Venting Realizing that intrinsic values are physically impossible is suicide fuel for me

[Saponification]

I considered myself a nihilist for years but I think I only realized what it actually means just now. Intrinsical values are physically impossible. It is impossible for anything in this universe to have value in and of itself. Nothing will validate your existence. In other words, the world just doesnt and cannot care about you.

But this applies to other people aswell. It's all ego. For example, when others think you're annoying/cringe/weird they're thinking about how you make them feel. They're thinking about how they'd hate to be you. Or how you remind them of one of their insecurities. They are not thinking about "you". It applies to when people think positively of you aswell. I just don't think it's possible for anyone to actually think about something other than themselves. That's how ego works. It's all about how it affects "you". Values don't exist outside of how it affects an ego.

I'll never understand how absurdists/existentalist find these type of thoughts liberating. It's so depressing, I'm pretty sure it's the most pure suicide fuel I've ever thought about. As if I realized reality is all in my head or nothing in the world cares or will ever care about me. Because that's literally how it is.