Aphid
Pentecad
- Apr 30, 2026
- 172
There's the phrase about insanity doing it over and over again but with nothing to show for it. I've tried all my life to be a better person and outgrow my past, to right the wrongs of others and myself, the past version of me that should never have existed. When i went into inpatient i thought id be at least doing a little better. Now that im out i realize that ive been failing everyone even worse than i realized. I repeat the same old habits, and the same old mistakes over and over again. Recognizing you're horrible is part of the battle but fixing is the other. When you regress into the same shit of making others uncomfortable and nervous around you or like they can't be themselves near you or anything at all. Even criticism is hard for others to give to me because they're scared I'm going to hurt myself. I need to focus on getting better but this just makes me not want to. Seeing this pattern so engraved in my bones, my very tissue, and watching it get replaying for the 50th time you'd forgive me for thinking i am truly insane. im only holding on for others now. I sit and know reserved that i deserve to die, that i should die soon that i should have died last Wednesday but i didnt. And now the world gets to suffer me a little bit longer.
Wonderful. I can't wait to die.
Wonderful. I can't wait to die.
