dr3amw4lking
Member
- Nov 11, 2020
- 7
hi everyone 
ive been lurking on this forum for over a year now and i finally feel as though im reaching the end of my journey. after many failed attempts during this year i finally have access to all the things I need to CTB with SN. i just wanted to use this thread to really reflect on all of my thoughts before my planned date (16th-18th).
i think the main thing i'm feeling right now is both emotionally and mentally exhausted. it's really been a long road getting to this point in my life but i've never been so sure of doing something till now. to be honest, i think this was always how i thought i would've eventually died ever since i was kid. it's really hard to see a future for yourself when you never had any idea to begin with. the main thing is, i recognize that i have happy moments but they are incomparable to the amount of mental turmoil i have had every single day nearly ever waking moment. it just doesn't feel all that worth the fight anymore. i just want to rest.
i think the most interesting part of this is that at the beginning of my journey, the thought of CTBing was utterly terrifying in it's own way. not to say that i still didn't crave it, but the territory was so new and uncharted. i don't think i was really all that ready to go then. it's totally different now though. whenever i think of leaving this place i can't help but feel a bit relieved. my reaction to it is nowhere near as volatile as it used to be. i don't break down anymore, i just feel calm and ready. like all of this was really all meant to be. i still have a that tinge of uneasiness but it immediately subsides once imagine finally being able to truly be at peace. to finally just be not here i guess lmao.
anyways thanks for reading this lengthy vent, i just wanted to get some of my thoughts out there.
ive been lurking on this forum for over a year now and i finally feel as though im reaching the end of my journey. after many failed attempts during this year i finally have access to all the things I need to CTB with SN. i just wanted to use this thread to really reflect on all of my thoughts before my planned date (16th-18th).
i think the main thing i'm feeling right now is both emotionally and mentally exhausted. it's really been a long road getting to this point in my life but i've never been so sure of doing something till now. to be honest, i think this was always how i thought i would've eventually died ever since i was kid. it's really hard to see a future for yourself when you never had any idea to begin with. the main thing is, i recognize that i have happy moments but they are incomparable to the amount of mental turmoil i have had every single day nearly ever waking moment. it just doesn't feel all that worth the fight anymore. i just want to rest.
i think the most interesting part of this is that at the beginning of my journey, the thought of CTBing was utterly terrifying in it's own way. not to say that i still didn't crave it, but the territory was so new and uncharted. i don't think i was really all that ready to go then. it's totally different now though. whenever i think of leaving this place i can't help but feel a bit relieved. my reaction to it is nowhere near as volatile as it used to be. i don't break down anymore, i just feel calm and ready. like all of this was really all meant to be. i still have a that tinge of uneasiness but it immediately subsides once imagine finally being able to truly be at peace. to finally just be not here i guess lmao.
anyways thanks for reading this lengthy vent, i just wanted to get some of my thoughts out there.
