Idk I think I just have a need to share some thoughts with someone who might actually understand where I'm coming from? I feel so fucking lonely, like no one really gets the depth of what's going on inside of me.
Last year my 16 year old stepsister commited suicide by firearm. She left no note, there was no explanation, it truly seemed out of the blue. She was the kind of person who wouldn't hide her feelings, she weren't able to really. You could always tell if she was unhappy or mad at you, she was never afraid to express herself. She felt everything very deeply, and at first I thought maybe that's why she killed herself - maybe a fight/argument/rejected by some guy or whatever, and she got overwhelmed by her feelings. But nope, there's still no explanation.
I haven't really lost anyone before, so I guess this was a quite brutal first meeting with death. I spiraled into a huge existensial crisis, and a major depression. What the hell is the point? I don't want to do this. Love people, only for them to be taken away forever some day. Everyone I love could be gone tomorrow. It's so meaningless, and I just don't understand how «everyone else» are able to live on, accept this. How??? I was admitted against my will a few weeks after her death, and it was fucking torture. I wanted to die, all I wanted was to die. I felt desperate, I considered trying to choke myself with a shoe lace I had available at the psych ward. But I also knew the risk of being «saved» was too big, and I had decided that I want to die instantly, no chance at surviving, no time to change my mind. I was going to hang myself. I can't say 100% sure but I'm 99% sure that if I had had access to a gun I would've done it at that point. Despite the fact that I didn't want to injure my body as much as my step sister did, because that was fucking grotesque. I didn't care at that point.
Ever since, I've been stuck in this «existensial crisis». I can't get out of it, nothing about this life makes sense to me. I feel like we're all just brainwashed to believe that this life is so valuable, and a self-selected death is just not an option. Who decided that life is worth living, and why the fuck does everyone just blindly accept that? I'm no longer at that point where there's no doubt in my mind that I just want to die instantly and NOW, but holy fuck I want nothing more than getting back to that state of mind. Fearless. Determined. No doubt, no guilt. But I can't seem to get back there and I hate it.
Last year my 16 year old stepsister commited suicide by firearm. She left no note, there was no explanation, it truly seemed out of the blue. She was the kind of person who wouldn't hide her feelings, she weren't able to really. You could always tell if she was unhappy or mad at you, she was never afraid to express herself. She felt everything very deeply, and at first I thought maybe that's why she killed herself - maybe a fight/argument/rejected by some guy or whatever, and she got overwhelmed by her feelings. But nope, there's still no explanation.
I haven't really lost anyone before, so I guess this was a quite brutal first meeting with death. I spiraled into a huge existensial crisis, and a major depression. What the hell is the point? I don't want to do this. Love people, only for them to be taken away forever some day. Everyone I love could be gone tomorrow. It's so meaningless, and I just don't understand how «everyone else» are able to live on, accept this. How??? I was admitted against my will a few weeks after her death, and it was fucking torture. I wanted to die, all I wanted was to die. I felt desperate, I considered trying to choke myself with a shoe lace I had available at the psych ward. But I also knew the risk of being «saved» was too big, and I had decided that I want to die instantly, no chance at surviving, no time to change my mind. I was going to hang myself. I can't say 100% sure but I'm 99% sure that if I had had access to a gun I would've done it at that point. Despite the fact that I didn't want to injure my body as much as my step sister did, because that was fucking grotesque. I didn't care at that point.
Ever since, I've been stuck in this «existensial crisis». I can't get out of it, nothing about this life makes sense to me. I feel like we're all just brainwashed to believe that this life is so valuable, and a self-selected death is just not an option. Who decided that life is worth living, and why the fuck does everyone just blindly accept that? I'm no longer at that point where there's no doubt in my mind that I just want to die instantly and NOW, but holy fuck I want nothing more than getting back to that state of mind. Fearless. Determined. No doubt, no guilt. But I can't seem to get back there and I hate it.
