Venting Procrastination

[SmallPika]

Well. I finally decided that Thursday was it. Wrote my note the night before, figured out the exact method (bedsheet noose attached to my closet hanger-rod, slung over the closet door). I was prepared. The day comes, I wake up bright and early (relative to my usual day, it was actually noon). I send off a scheduled email with my note. I set everything up, which is a lot more physically taxing than I expected. I finally get the tension right. I get up there, and work up the courage to kick the chair. My feet touch the ground. FUCK. I mean, I tried to suffocate myself anyway but my body wasn't having it. After all that physical and emotional labour I give up for the day. Delete my email I sent.
Friday, I wake up too late. My mom was already home from work, no way in hell I could do it with her around without being caught. Now it's the weekend and she's home. If I don't do it on Monday this shit is never gonna get done. ARGH. I just want to rest in peace since living in peace doesn't seem like an option.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Living can be hard, as I'm sure you know. Dying can be hard, too, as you are now understanding. I'm sure if you are set on ctb, you will find a way, if that's what you really want (not dismissing your intentions, but desires can change). Did you only send your email message to your mom? Are you sure that she didn't get to read it before you deleted it? She doesn't have one of those apps on her phone that pops up and tells her she's received a new message when one comes in? The message you sent can't just somehow mysteriously reappear? You know how electronic crap is. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, and a whole bunch of peace, too.

 

[SmallPika]

Living can be hard, as I'm sure you know. Dying can be hard, too, as you are now understanding. I'm sure if you are set on ctb, you will find a way, if that's what you really want (not dismissing your intentions, but desires can change). Did you only send your email message to your mom? Are you sure that she didn't get to read it before you deleted it? She doesn't have one of those apps on her phone that pops up and tells her she's received a new message when one comes in? The message you sent can't just somehow mysteriously reappear? You know how electronic crap is. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, and a whole bunch of peace, too.

thanks for the concern about the email but im pretty sure I'm good. I sent it to my friend who lives in another state. If it didn't delete properly, they probably would've said or done something by now.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

thanks for the concern about the email but im pretty sure I'm good. I sent it to my friend who lives in another state. If it didn't delete properly, they probably would've said or done something by now.

That's all cool, long as you're good. Maybe a better idea, at least one I would use, is set your message to go out on a delay, maybe 24 hours or something, just in case something happens again where you're unable to ctb, or you back out, or whatever. At least that way, maybe you would have time to stop the message from going out at all. You may not be that lucky again to head it off, and then you'd have even more issues. Just a thought.

 

[SmallPika]

That's all cool, long as you're good. Maybe a better idea, at least one I would use, is set your message to go out on a delay, maybe 24 hours or something, just in case something happens again where you're unable to ctb, or you back out, or whatever. At least that way, maybe you would have time to stop the message from going out at all. You may not be that lucky again to head it off, and then you'd have even more issues. Just a thought.

Oh, maybe I wasn't clear, that's what I did! it was a scheduled email for like 5pm or so (right before my mom gets home, so my friend could tell her whats up)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I send off a scheduled email with my note.

Oh, maybe I wasn't clear, that's what I did! it was a scheduled email for like 5pm or so (right before my mom gets home, so my friend could tell her whats up)

Well, that's good then. Personally, I'd have it scheduled to be sent AFTER the time I planned to ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is so difficult after all and I understand the feeling of just wishing that everything would end. Dying should be much easier, I can imagine that it must have been frustrating what you went through. I have never attempted hanging personally as it sounds like such a difficult method but I do envy those with the courage for it. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.