Pre-attempt thoughts thread (attempt date oct 1)

[jakerjays]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

 

[MissAbyss]

Same, October 1st. It will be my second attempt. First attempt I was calm and determined, now I feel nervous whole day! I try to distract myself as much as possible.

What about you?

 

[PI3.14]

Sorry it had come to this. What's your story? If you don't mind me asking ofc

 

[jakerjays]

Same, October 1st. It will be my second attempt. First attempt I was calm and determined, now I feel nervous whole day! I try to distract myself as much as possible.

What about you?

I was so so nervous during my first attempt honestly! For my second one, something had come up on the day which kind of threw me off and I think ultimately it was the reason I backed out.
I'm definitely trying to distract myself. My other two attempts I figured it would be nice to kind of... sit at my spot for a while and ponder, but I actually think that worked against me.

How are you feeling about it?

Sorry it had come to this. What's your story? If you don't mind me asking ofc

God, it's much less interesting than I'm sure other peoples are.

I'll try my best to summarise things! I'm a student artist, I've studied art formally for 8 years now and its kind of... my thing? No other hobbies really stuck and art has kind of become my life, it's definitely what kept me going for a while, it upset me the thought that if I died, I'd have to leave it behind. I have lots of pets too and I've really been getting into comics recently.
There's not really any clear or tragic exterior circumstances that I think have made me suicidal, just kind of an unfortunate and slow building combination of being alienated and also having no support. I think, in a way, I just feel incompatible with life, likely largely due to having autism and bipolar disorder. It's hard to live functionally knowing that at any minute things could kind of... come crashing down again. I've been fixated on suicide since I was really young ( I suspect that my suicidal ideology may be chronic ) and I suppose recently it kind of struck me that it doesn't just have to be an idea...? Like, I'm not 13 anymore, I really can just let it all go.

Hopefully that was sort of what you wanted! I really appreciate your reply :)

 

[MissAbyss]

I was so so nervous during my first attempt honestly! For my second one, something had come up on the day which kind of threw me off and I think ultimately it was the reason I backed out.
I'm definitely trying to distract myself. My other two attempts I figured it would be nice to kind of... sit at my spot for a while and ponder, but I actually think that worked against me.

How are you feeling about it?

Well, everything is arranged and setup in place.

First attempt, I was gasping for air. I hope/want to lose consciousness soon, so I backed out. Now I have the right knot, slides better. So this time it should work.

But suddenly, the feeling of the "unknown" creeps in. I initially thought about doing it impulsively this time to avoid SI but unfortunately, I'm a control freak, so that's not going to work.

 

[itsgone2]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

just wanted to say that other than this plan your day doesn't sound so bad. But I'm not in your shoes. What do you mean when you say things could come crashing down again? Because of the bpd?

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

I'm planning on doing it soon too. I wish everything goes as planned for you and that you find peace<3

 

[jakerjays]

I'm planning on doing it soon too. I wish everything goes as planned for you and that you find peace<3

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

just wanted to say that other than this plan your day doesn't sound so bad. But I'm not in your shoes. What do you mean when you say things could come crashing down again? Because of the bpd?

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do.

Well, everything is arranged and setup in place.

First attempt, I was gasping for air. I hope/want to lose consciousness soon, so I backed out. Now I have the right knot, slides better. So this time it should work.

But suddenly, the feeling of the "unknown" creeps in. I initially thought about doing it impulsively this time to avoid SI but unfortunately, I'm a control freak, so that's not going to work.

I'm the exact same. I know that doing it impulsively would probably work much better, but I'd be held up by being worried that theres things I should do first that I might have forgotten and generally being unprepared would probably make me just as uneasy as facing SI head on.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do.

I understand your worry. You've mentionned you were planning on sittimg in front of a train? I was just wondering, doesn't it make more riskier in the sense that the driver might see you on the tracks too early?

 

[jakerjays]

I understand your worry. You've mentionned you were planning on sittimg in front of a train? I was just wondering, doesn't it make more riskier in the sense that the driver might see you on the tracks too early?

It typically would, yes. Fortunately, the specific spot I have in mind is in a wooded area and comes shortly after a blind corner.
If I position myself where I intend to, then the driver won't see me until the train is around 10 meters infront of me (at most). Either way, trains take a very long time to stop. The driver would have to see me very prematurely to end up stopping (or slowing enough that my condition would be more... salvagable) before it gets to me.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

It typically would, yes. Fortunately, the specific spot I have in mind is in a wooded area and comes shortly after a blind corner.
If I position myself where I intend to, then the driver won't see me until the train is around 10 meters infront of me (at most). Either way, trains take a very long time to stop. The driver would have to see me very prematurely to end up stopping (or slowing enough that my condition would be more... salvagable) before it gets to me.

The way you describe it, it seems managable indeed. I'm thinling of the train as a last resort. The annoying part is, you only get infos by yourself since your method will highly depend on the country, city and region you're in
I just wish it was easier yk.

How are you feeling now? I feel like i only get weirdly more excited to each step getting me closer to ctb

 

[itsgone2]

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do

I feel very badly for you then. My life is bad in many ways so I just want to escape it. It's more tragic for you, having the opposite but still wanting to pass on from this place. I have known good times and how good life can be. Bpd is truly awful then.

 

[jakerjays]

The way you describe it, it seems managable indeed. I'm thinling of the train as a last resort. The annoying part is, you only get infos by yourself since your method will highly depend on the country, city and region you're in
I just wish it was easier yk.

How are you feeling now? I feel like i only get weirdly more excited to each step getting me closer to ctb

Yeah, I've also found it annoying that there aren't really many train suicide guides... I guess it's self explanatory, you just stand there and it hits you, but I'm such an extensive planner. I want to see all the reports on successful attempts, info about speed and types of trains.

I'm feeling okay I guess! I'm definitely leaning towards more excited than scared.
I'm in that phase of feeling a lot of relief. I have so much constant anxiety and worries for my future and relationships and just the thought that it'll all go away is amazing. The only time I really get upset is when I think of my mum, I don't really have anyone else I care about, but at the end of the day I'll be dead. She'll be devastated, but... that's not really something I have to worry about (as selfish as it sounds). I can't just keep living a life I don't want in order to not upset her.

I feel very badly for you then. My life is bad in many ways so I just want to escape it. It's more tragic for you, having the opposite but still wanting to pass on from this place. I have known good times and how good life can be. Bpd is truly awful then.

It's sort of why I've started to come to the conclusion that something about the way I am just isnt compatible with... functioning. My life isn't perfect but I've got it pretty good and yet I still want to die. I don't want to get better or change, I genuinely just want to get worse or die. It's quite sad. I'm sorry life has been rough on you, genuinely.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best, I hope you find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[Alexandra_]

I wish you all the best. When I went to the railway, I just put my neck on the tracks and arched it. I think this is the most appropriate pose

 

[jakerjays]

I wish you all the best. When I went to the railway, I just put my neck on the tracks and arched it. I think this is the most appropriate pose

I experimented with this pose for my second attempt (physically laying on the tracks in that way whilst I knew no train was scheduled) but obviously didn't end up going through with it. Decapitation is absolutely the most effective method, I just doubt I'd be able to get my body to do that

 

[Corovaner]

Same, October 1st. It will be my second attempt. First attempt I was calm and determined, now I feel nervous whole day! I try to distract myself as much as possible.

What about you?

I'm sorry, but what was your method in first attempt?

 

[MissAbyss]

I'm sorry, but what was your method in first attempt?

Full suspension hanging.

 

[jakerjays]

I spoke about my most recently completed painting today and I really enjoyed it.

I'm starting to get more and more nervious about my attempt, but all I can do is pray that I dont end up horribly disfigured or something.
I have been thinking more about the possibility of getting sucked under the train and losing limbs or being alive for minutes or hours before I die, but that doesn't scare me. My fear comes more from... if I'll be able to force myself to stand on the tracks and also the impact my death will have on my mum.

I'm gonna spend tonight helping myself come to terms with things, hopefully in order to ease that internal discussion with myself tomorrow.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Yeah, I've also found it annoying that there aren't really many train suicide guides... I guess it's self explanatory, you just stand there and it hits you, but I'm such an extensive planner. I want to see all the reports on successful attempts, info about speed and types of trains.

I'm feeling okay I guess! I'm definitely leaning towards more excited than scared.
I'm in that phase of feeling a lot of relief. I have so much constant anxiety and worries for my future and relationships and just the thought that it'll all go away is amazing. The only time I really get upset is when I think of my mum, I don't really have anyone else I care about, but at the end of the day I'll be dead. She'll be devastated, but... that's not really something I have to worry about (as selfish as it sounds). I can't just keep living a life I don't want in order to not upset her.

It's sort of why I've started to come to the conclusion that something about the way I am just isnt compatible with... functioning. My life isn't perfect but I've got it pretty good and yet I still want to die. I don't want to get better or change, I genuinely just want to get worse or die. It's quite sad. I'm sorry life has been rough on you, genuinely.

Yeah, I've also found it annoying that there aren't really many train suicide guides... I guess it's self explanatory, you just stand there and it hits you, but I'm such an extensive planner. I want to see all the reports on successful attempts, info about speed and types of trains.

I'm feeling okay I guess! I'm definitely leaning towards more excited than scared.
I'm in that phase of feeling a lot of relief. I have so much constant anxiety and worries for my future and relationships and just the thought that it'll all go away is amazing. The only time I really get upset is when I think of my mum, I don't really have anyone else I care about, but at the end of the day I'll be dead. She'll be devastated, but... that's not really something I have to worry about (as selfish as it sounds). I can't just keep living a life I don't want in order to not upset her.

It's sort of why I've started to come to the conclusion that something about the way I am just isnt compatible with... functioning. My life isn't perfect but I've got it pretty good and yet I still want to die. I don't want to get better or change, I genuinely just want to get worse or die. It's quite sad. I'm sorry life has been rough on you, genuinely.

I think we both think in quite a similar way. Just like you i consider myself to be quite priviliged and having objectively a good life. Yet i still want to ctb, and i came to the same conclusion, i guess i'm just not fit to live life like others are. I can't perceive the experience of being alive as enjoyable at all, even though a lot of people seem to do it just fine, which is doesn't really make sense in my mind.
Anyways, i also think you have a good way of dealing with your situation with your mom. I feel bad for her, the same i feel bad for my friends, but a the the end of the day, it's not my fault if i don't want to live and was born unfitted for life, the same way that my friends nor i chose for hs to become friends. Life just made it's thing and brought us to where we are, if i could, i'd rather have never met them so they wouldn't have to go through my grief, but i never chose to meet them in the first place.
That's why to me, one's shouldn't feel guiltu about making their close ones sad, most of the time it isn't their fault. We all are victims of having to be forced to be born in the first place.

I don't know why i got myself to share that many thoughts I just think you have an interesting way of viewing things and wanted to share my take on it.

 

[jakerjays]

Oh, something kinda crazy happened today.

I'm reasonably spiritual and it does impact obviously my perspective on life and my suicidality. Back in July, I was in a much more distressed and desperate mindset, I didn't want anything more than to die, so I begged God for some sort of sign, one way or another. Whether I should live or whether I should die. Whilst leaving uni that day, some old guy on the bus stopped me to ask about my portfolio case and told me that, next time we saw eachother, he wanted to see my artwork again.

Now, my attempt date is tomorrow and the exact same thing happened again! Except it was an old lady. She was really inquisitive and knowledgable an told me that next week she'd want to see my art again.
These are the only two times where this has happened.

I do truly believe these are more than just coincidences, they must mean something deeper. I don't think they'll change anything, but it is beautiful that maybe theres a force out there that wants to keep me alive. Does that make sense?


On a different note, what the fuck am I supposed to do tonight?
The fact that I'm feeling no particular way about tomorrow is so strange to me, considering previous attempts.
If I think about backing out, I need to remember: I will always want to kill myself, I genuinely just believe it's a part of who I am, so whether I do it now, tomorrow, or in 5 years doesn't matter, and there will never be a PERFECT time. Things will always be messy.
Not wanting other people to experience tradgedy can also in no way outweigh the relief of my stress being alleviated. I need to focus on whether I'm living for myself or for other people, and the answer currently is the latter. A life lived for other people is not one worth persuing unless you intend to change, and I do not.

I felt like such a helpless failure last time I survived. I truly hope that does not happen again.

I think we both think in quite a similar way. Just like you i consider myself to be quite priviliged and having objectively a good life. Yet i still want to ctb, and i came to the same conclusion, i guess i'm just not fit to live life like others are. I can't perceive the experience of being alive as enjoyable at all, even though a lot of people seem to do it just fine, which is doesn't really make sense in my mind.
Anyways, i also think you have a good way of dealing with your situation with your mom. I feel bad for her, the same i feel bad for my friends, but a the the end of the day, it's not my fault if i don't want to live and was born unfitted for life, the same way that my friends nor i chose for hs to become friends. Life just made it's thing and brought us to where we are, if i could, i'd rather have never met them so they wouldn't have to go through my grief, but i never chose to meet them in the first place.
That's why to me, one's shouldn't feel guiltu about making their close ones sad, most of the time it isn't their fault. We all are victims of having to be forced to be born in the first place.

I don't know why i got myself to share that many thoughts I just think you have an interesting way of viewing things and wanted to share my take on it.

I understand what you mean entirely. I do see the appeal of wanting to be alive sometimes, like, I'd love to live life as somebody else. It's just something about ME thats wrong.
I feel really... neutral about life in general. Sure theres nice moments, but to me they're not worth experiencing the bad things for. I don't really find things beautiful anymore, or fun, or worth being alive for. I'm just going through the motions.

I hear you. I genuinely do feel terrible about what will happen to my mum after I die, but I don't feel bad for my friends. I have a really hard time forming personal connections witth people so (despite knowing eachother for 7 years) I just can't bring myself to truly consider the impact of my death on them on a personal, emotional level. I know they'll be devastated but... life goes on. They won't die because I died, they won't lose eachother, or their jobs or their families or their classes. It all goes on.
As you said, its not my fault that I'm unfit for... all this. Its not my mums either, or my friends, its just me. At the end of the day, grief is their battle and not mine, so I'm not going to let it stop me.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Oh, something kinda crazy happened today.

I'm reasonably spiritual and it does impact obviously my perspective on life and my suicidality. Back in July, I was in a much more distressed and desperate mindset, I didn't want anything more than to die, so I begged God for some sort of sign, one way or another. Whether I should live or whether I should die. Whilst leaving uni that day, some old guy on the bus stopped me to ask about my portfolio case and told me that, next time we saw eachother, he wanted to see my artwork again.

Now, my attempt date is tomorrow and the exact same thing happened again! Except it was an old lady. She was really inquisitive and knowledgable an told me that next week she'd want to see my art again.
These are the only two times where this has happened.

I do truly believe these are more than just coincidences, they must mean something deeper. I don't think they'll change anything, but it is beautiful that maybe theres a force out there that wants to keep me alive. Does that make sense?


On a different note, what the fuck am I supposed to do tonight?
The fact that I'm feeling no particular way about tomorrow is so strange to me, considering previous attempts.
If I think about backing out, I need to remember: I will always want to kill myself, I genuinely just believe it's a part of who I am, so whether I do it now, tomorrow, or in 5 years doesn't matter, and there will never be a PERFECT time. Things will always be messy.
Not wanting other people to experience tradgedy can also in no way outweigh the relief of my stress being alleviated. I need to focus on whether I'm living for myself or for other people, and the answer currently is the latter. A life lived for other people is not one worth persuing unless you intend to change, and I do not.

I felt like such a helpless failure last time I survived. I truly hope that does not happen again.

I understand what you mean entirely. I do see the appeal of wanting to be alive sometimes, like, I'd love to live life as somebody else. It's just something about ME thats wrong.
I feel really... neutral about life in general. Sure theres nice moments, but to me they're not worth experiencing the bad things for. I don't really find things beautiful anymore, or fun, or worth being alive for. I'm just going through the motions.

I hear you. I genuinely do feel terrible about what will happen to my mum after I die, but I don't feel bad for my friends. I have a really hard time forming personal connections witth people so (despite knowing eachother for 7 years) I just can't bring myself to truly consider the impact of my death on them on a personal, emotional level. I know they'll be devastated but... life goes on. They won't die because I died, they won't lose eachother, or their jobs or their families or their classes. It all goes on.
As you said, its not my fault that I'm unfit for... all this. Its not my mums either, or my friends, its just me. At the end of the day, grief is their battle and not mine, so I'm not going to let it stop me.

I truly think your story beaitiful. I believe in God too.
I think the matter of "what to do" or "what to think" before ctb is quite common. Personally i've prepared a little bucket list, nothing extravagant but it gives me a small lists of tasks to accomplish so i don't feel too much "empty handed" before doing it. Among this list there are things like taking myself to eat in a restaurant to eat good food, prepare a small birthday letter to a friend of mine since it won't be too long after my planned date, etc.
Just to keep my mind active, so maybe thinking a bit about what you'd like to do could work. And remember that it's your last time, you can literally do whatever you want and put absoultely 0 pressure on yourself to do them, just based on wether you feel like doing it or not. Sometimes just finding something to think about, or a symbolic task, like gathering old pictures of yourself, etc. Could be a nice way to spend your time before the moment. :)

 

[jakerjays]

I truly think your story beaitiful. I believe in God too.
I think the matter of "what to do" or "what to think" before ctb is quite common. Personally i've prepared a little bucket list, nothing extravagant but it gives me a small lists of tasks to accomplish so i don't feel too much "empty handed" before doing it. Among this list there are things like taking myself to eat in a restaurant to eat good food, prepare a small birthday letter to a friend of mine since it won't be too long after my planned date, etc.
Just to keep my mind active, so maybe thinking a bit about what you'd like to do could work. And remember that it's your last time, you can literally do whatever you want and put absoultely 0 pressure on yourself to do them, just based on wether you feel like doing it or not. Sometimes just finding something to think about, or a symbolic task, like gathering old pictures of yourself, etc. Could be a nice way to spend your time before the moment. :)

I definitely plan to be busy all day. I have uni until 12, going shopping for some comics until around 2, grab boba, drop my shit off at home, clean my room, feed my pets, and then I'll leave to go and eat out/ have some drinks n then... do it, I guess. The train comes at 8. I made the mistake last time of letting myself stew in my thoughts. I don't want to do that again, but it is frustrating to not be able to pinpoint a feeling beyond neutrality. Maybe it's a good thing to not let myself overthink.

Thank you for talking to me, by the way. It's really nice to occupy myself with things to respond to and I'm interested in what you have to say just as much as it seems you're interested in what I have to say.

 

[jakerjays]

Got boba :) I also bought a bottle of vodka to help a bit. I haven't had more than the equivalent of 4 shots on one night (and I drink very infrequently) so I figure if I drink more than that I should be reasonably affected.

Uhh. I'm not really feeling anything in particular, I think just because I'm so busy. I'm not even home yet from town and it's almost 4 (the train comes at 8). I figure I'll stay at home until 6 n then head out since the bus will take me at least half an hour. I don't usually stay out very late so I don't have want to leave too late and have my parents question me too much

I also have to spend a little bit of time writing a short note detailing who I am (so that contacting my family will be easier aside) on the unlikely occasion that somebody other than my parents finds me, though I'll have to tape it to my bag or something because it'll probably be destroyed if my body is dragged under the tracks.
I also want to write down a few names of people I want to be notified of my death that my parents might not think of along with something saying who I'd like my laptop to me given to.
I'm really punctual so my mum will know something is wrong the minute I don't reply and they're able to track me on Life360.

 

[MissAbyss]

Hope, everything will work out for you.

️ I wish you eternal peace ️

 

[jakerjays]

Hope, everything will work out for you.

️ I wish you eternal peace ️

I hope so too.
Thank you

 

[Irisse]

I wish for your departure to be as peaceful as possible.

 

[jakerjays]

I wish for your departure to be as peaceful as possible.

Thank you Irisse. I see you around here a lot. I really hope things go well for you.

 

[grey.skye]

Just checking in, I'm thinking of you today. It sounds like it's been a pretty calm morning. Is there anything you'd like to talk about or process? Is there something you want to do while you're still here? Please know we're here for you

 

[jakerjays]

Just checking in, I'm thinking of you today. It sounds like it's been a pretty calm morning. Is there anything you'd like to talk about or process? Is there something you want to do while you're still here? Please know we're here for you

This is a really considerate message and I really appreciate that.
I honeslty don't know. I'm a little worried about the fact that I kind of don't feel a particular way about… killing my self in two hours? Like, does that mean my body is secretly planning to back out? I remember how horrible and embarassing it was last time to have to get the bus home alive.

Ive had about 4 shots so far and I've left the house now. I spoke to my mum for a bit about our dog as I left to try and give her a longer goodbye I suppose. I didn't clean my room as much as I wanted to but I honestly didn't care which, again, not sure if that's good or bad. Acceptance or denial.

There's nothing I'd particularly like to do while I'm still here, since there is only an hour and a half left, I just want people to either pray for my death or a survival without suffering. My method risks me becoming disabled in irreversible ways and I can only hope that God will show me some kind of mercy