Gomomon
The Mentally Loud Overthinker
- Feb 24, 2026
- 51
Hello everyone, this will probably go unnoticed but im gonna leave it here for some online social anxiety workout, I think it helps to get my feelings out there because I dont talk to a single soul about anything.
INCOMING RANT. Very cringe I switch POVS a lot and ramble :D
Hi notes app, I won't talk long. I am dying, every day I stay up past 5am and do who knows what. Basically just feel anxious, headachey, like shit, depressed, jittery, agitated, tired. Like everything u can think of. I just stare at walls pick my face like crazy or irritate me pericing. Or shovel food into my tummy but lowkey recently nothing tastes that good and I only eat once a day. I doordash now to make some money for Japan, its aight but the stress of each order is actually crazier than you'd think. Idk if im just unlucky but it feels like each order has some weird hurrdle. It's probably cause this is the worst possible job for adhd. Like remembering the person's name, taking a Pic of the receipt. Oh! They're closed rn at the front gotta wait at the drive through. Yeesh its taking a while where's that order!? Oh BTW there's a gate code and you need to show ur drivers ID. Dont carry that with you while you drive too bad!, directions taking you not to exactly where the house is and glitching out. And phone is overheating and dying at light speed each drive with a chance of it richoceting out of the phone holder on every food and the food with it. Also, you might have to knock, greet, get a secret code from people who knows! I had to go to a hospital once and give what I assume was a dying old lady her jack n the box. It was honestly kinda sad, she didnt look well. Maybe that was her last meal idk. I sure as hell wouldn't choose jack in the box. Am I monster for using the money my dead aunt gave me to immediately go to Japan? I think so, especially since I didnt treat her that great my whole life and didnt even see her when she died. She wrote so many notes to me at her funeral it was overwhelming, but I didnt even cry, I can only care about myself rn for some reason. Now that gets me crying a storm.
Anyway, update on life I guess. Are things better, well I guess its hard to say since these notes are getting closer in date to one another so not much happens in all honesty. Just realized I forgot the appointment date for the psychiatrist. I dont know why they let me free, i'm mentally in hell but its probably cause im not a danger to others or in psychosis. Those people r worse and more rightfully deserve to be locked up because they could endanger others. I mean idk a lot about the health system in general cause I'm kinda an indiot so maybe thats not what psychosis is. Insane in the brain people like me who are clawing at their own skin tryn die aren't worth it, unless its a financial liability ofc!
I played a game I related to recently, needy streamer overload. And if you know what that is and your like oh gosh, ofc you did u incel. And like okay my life isnt really exactly the the K-angel girlie. Like think of it as if she were a real person. Shes in Japan and society is different there especially with mental illnesses that's kinda what the games all about, how addicted young people are to screens, idols, streamers social images and just latch on to drugs, sex, fake social lives as a desperate means for love and affection from someone. The game is actually pretty funny its good commentary, like a lot of the things in the game were more so funny than sad to me because of how real it was. K-angel is like me tryn mask as even a semblance of a normal functioning person in society.
Forget the anime crap I got tomodachi life! And am lokey chudding out on it every moment of my life and am on auto pilot. Do I completely indulge in short term dopamine, yes. Do I lose all hope in getting better because every day i waste away doing stuff thats not important and worth my time and also waste money in the process, ding ding ding. Haha.
I yap a lot more to my friends now, I run in loops say the same shit ive said and honestly kinda act more desperate now. I never gave myself that desperation before, never allowed myself to admit I was lonely and sad and wanted to hang out. And well, im still kinda not "admitting" it but its very obvious. It's not like "...mpph I wish someone were here next to mee" its more subtle and progressively annoying like "Oh! Saturday doesnt work, haha, what about Sunday haha (ill kms if you dont come!)"
Er...sorry if your ever reading this after I die, I dont really intend for yall to read this crap but its only if im gone and idk u wanna hear. Forget my tangent, moving on.
When I get bored of writing something or lose my train of thought im just gonna push on through.
I want to die.
So the medicine ive been takinggg I dunno, I dunno anything. Nothing feels like it works and I overthink everything. I dont think lymictal is even rlly supposed to do nothing actually, it just is like a placeholder safe drug for Adderall but like shit isnt rlly good enough for someone like me. I've apparently been told its supposed to make the Lows not as low and highs not as high and just feel kinda okay with everything. That couldnt be more opposite of me. While I dont feel my emotions heavily outside they're very prominent and persistent inside, to the extent that I dont think i feel anything but crushing weight, guilt, sadness and yada yada that shit feeling.
Well, maybe one way the medicine is doing anything whatsoever is making me stay up even more. I dont ever sleep now, if I do sleep its long and hard but if I dont I just stay up and who the fuck knows waste time typically. Sit in my room all day, avoid roomates, eat chud dinner, go on discord with my friends all night and talk about doing work and never do it and then goon and then tomodachi and then goon and then breakfast and avoid roomates. I never feel great doing a single one of these activities, or even sleeping. Sleeping is never enough rest im in a constant state of fatigue and fixation on useless crap.
Will anything save me from my hell hole, I think...you cant sit around waiting for anyone to do it for you no matter how much you want to. People are only gonna be there for people who are worth the effort and time, you have to do it yourself. And like I know that but
I dont fucking have the will to make my situation better i try every single minute of my life and see no improvement you couldnt possibly understand. I try in the way u would'nt expect, a different kind of way. Think....like it might even be the most simple mundane ass thing, let's get up and move my leg to the right and actually take a piss instead of holding it in for no reason. Or let's try and show up for one of my few classes that my parents are paying hella money for, for me to not go to anything rlly or not try hard enough put enough time into assignments and get really disheartening critique that makes me lose even more drive.
What do you even do if you were me really? I know i said I wouldn't type a storm but its 5 am and its not like I'm going to do anything better. Might as well write my memoir for my death. Which is either going to be fast, loud, out of the blue and hasty or slow agonizing and over the span of a few more months/years. But its sure as hell coming. It's an inevitable thing really. Anyway, I feel so envious of everything and everyone. I mean like....its not like I snap a pencil in anger and think about others downfall thinking about how great other people's lives might be v.s mine, it just sends me further into a sad depressed rut of hopelessness. I just wish I could be anyone, anything else at all. I dont want this...obviously lol, noone really really truly gets me. I cant feel love, I have never felt it. I dont think thats a misinterpretation. I pretty much only care about myself in some weird way. This is probably how bad people do bad things, they dont feel the things normal people are supposed to feel and r in a constant state of irritation and discomfort. I mean not to excuse anyone. There r a large variety of bad people, they all have different intentions, some r seriously mentally ill and lost/detached from everything around them. I wonder if id ever get to that point, I am curious.
I would always relate to the villian characters in shows and media. Like the heros were great and everything but can we agree they had no depth? No trauma or emotional journey and comeback. Villian characters have always been more engaging. So like why would I root for the bland boring main character guy when I could root for the girl boss baddy girl with a backstory or something.
This is probably what an evil chuds diary looks like. Let's not head in that direction. I wanna make it clear no matter what I dont have interest in anything, and that includes killing anyone or doing anything sickening in that nature. If I dont get pleasure from it why do it and also its wrong. Uhh, first point because its wrong. I mean we could go back and forth about the true meaning or wrong or right because they're kinda subjective to some degree but like im gonna say everything I do is based on gut feelings and I read situations well. So like im never doing that shit okay? If u ever catch me doing that shit lock her up thats someone stealing my identity.
I have been watching too much horrible shit clearly.
Gah as much as I hate to admit anything to my mom at all. She is somewhat right about u becoming what u consume. We are what we eat, we become what we think, its all about what we choose to do, and i've never been a do-er. Im more of a please please please I dont wanna do that! Id rather sit at home on my ass and watch mlp.
It's an amazement im not morbidly obese with some discord kitten or something. Maybe thats another reality me, she wouldn't be far off. I love that video of the reddit guy in a trenchcoat recently thats hitting the bell, cracked me the fuck up. When the Onion "news" just starts becoming reality cause reality is fucked. But the "reality" of reality is really a lie, none of this shit matters. It doesnt, it all doesnt exist and exists at the same time. that was cringe to even type out.
We made up this entire thing to keep us what? Sane, I don't feel sane? Organized, unified, happy? Defineeetlyy not happy!
Forget that, yesterday I was so sick. Or well I guess yesterday's yesterday I was so sick. I dunno why, it mightve been the food or something my head was pounding so bad from doing and assignment. See I do one fucking peice of work and my brain punishes me for it and then I cant work at all afterwords. What the fuck am I supposed to do just keep pushing through it and feeling like shit even more. I felt so ill I thought I was gonna vomit 3 times, serious migraine.
It could be the medicine or anything really. I like talking about drugs and documenting changes. Really I shouldve been in the medical feild maybe, but like I dunno. I dont rlly want anything I dont care. My therapist says I do care, at least about what I want to do in life, be and animator and everything. But honestly im just trying to latch on to something cause somethings better than nothing, nothing = death, in my case. Not acheiveing anything or being good at anything means your existence is meaningless. Id kill myself the minute there wasnt an ounce of purpose in my life. But I do nothing to justify that "want", i ignore, push away, do things last minute even if I "want" to do them. I really dont care, it mighve been my dream as a kid, but so was a lot of dumb other stuff. I just wanted to be successful and happy and good at litteraly anything because ive been bad at everything my entire life and failed in every way imaginable. Is it so hard to ask for a small win. Small wins dont happen to people who expect everything will go wrong, but I dont believe its possible to change that wire in my brain, and I dont think I want to for some reason. It's everything I am.
My sister and mother r bothering me lately. When it comes to my family I want nothing to do with them. Of course anyone for that matter cause they all make me mad but like some people make me more pissed for no reason than others and thad be my family and strangers. My friends have me tamed or something they dont piss me off as much, or like my brother I guess. I feel embarassed talking to him and on a safe mode filter but Def not irritated. It's just like, they're trying to reach out to me and ik that but. Im doing exactly what I thought id do right out the hospital and shuffle everything under the rug, I dont care about u to the same degree u do about me so give the fuck up. And you could be like "gah thats your family they'll never give up on you what do you expect? Thats what family is for!" Or some shit, but like idfk! Im a horrible person. Im not lying out my ass I can hear you talking rn saying like oh you're just projecting or wanting everyone else to think you're a horrible person but you're not, I AM. You idiots
I dont feel gratitude and appreciation for anyone so what do you expect? Da doii. All I do is complain on phone calls with my sisrer and view it as a chore, because she'll just criticize me under the cover of like wanting me to be better but like preaching to me doesnt help with shit. You think I care about cleaning my period pads when im out here ordering SN from Ukraine trying to off myself, sorry for that tmi bit. thats the last of my fucking problems I couldn't give a rats ass about any of that shit. And my mom's over here giving me evey remedy on earth, every unfunny, propaganda ai ass conspiracy voo-doo reel telling me the poke i love to eat that makes me feel a semblance of better has parasites and is gonna kill me. oh my lord.
I lowkey lied to them in the hospital, its funny how I can lie and tell the truth simultaneously. It's like I tell the truth and then also make a lie at the same time in that same sentence. Everything's a cover story with me, I have no real personality because I dont even know what that is? So everything is always an act cause im acting the part, im playing the role. You want the role of someone who's gonna regret their actions and want to work on not killing herself? I'll give it to you, for my own selfish reasons. To get out of here and try again. I never cared about you, its always been about me. Even my therapist thinks I'm in the clear and isnt worried about me that much anymore.
It's like I said! Im egotistical, till death. I hate myself and the way that I am thats why im trying to bring me down. I can never get these small wins actually because ill never allow myself too. I dont deserve it, you can say I do. But it doesnt matter coming from you, it only matters if it comes from me.
I dont know what I think, it always changes and makes no sense and runs off or yk contradicts other things ive said probably. I do feel sadness, I feel sad thinking about a possibility of you reading the horrible things ive said and being sad. But, at least it's honesty. I think honesty and hard facts are more important, but a white lie will save people that emotional turmoil. It's what God is essentially. A white lie to protect people from the truth, the dark cold and ugly reality of humanities pointlessness and blantant nature of cruelty.
Sometimes I write and im like....all I do is talk with and and then put three big words together in hopes they share some sort of similarity to accurately describe what im trying to say. This is what you get when you get someone who's been using chat gbt to write her essays for the past few years and always cheated in english reguardless/pre-ai. Haha
I like talking about my friends and stringing things out of everything. I dont know what to call it other than analyze excessively for no reason "stringing things out". Like getting to the roots of things, cause I struggle to understand everything but I always understand more than others a lot of the time, or maybe more in-debthly. Certainly more convolutedley, if thats a word. Obviously it bothers almost everyone and is pointless but I have a addictive fascination with it.
Really stringing out the ins and outs of the way people think, act, do things, interact with others. Our brains are the most complex and stupid things ever. Why do I exist to constantly question my existence and feel sad? Its only right to think punishment from some higher being - if you were a dumbass ofc. Yeah thats right I think all religon is "insert worst word imaginable" shoot me in the head i dont care, and no that does not include being an atheist it doesnt count. It's stupid to think it does, it's honestly shouldn't even have a label but people label everything. Being an atheist is not a belief, its a lack thereof. It has no structure in the same way these organizations cults do. I guess its around science but thats just straight facts that cand be denied. If you look at statistics of humanity (ikr nerd) or like trends and patterns i mean of how society goes, people usually get obsessive with a new god because a new group discovered questioning existence, they fight other people for being different and thinking there is a different god.
New faiths get dropped left and right and so do people. But religon is slowly disappearing thats for sure. I mean people can always latch on to their delusions but the world will get smarter. We're only expanding after all, and old coping strategies won't have a place in a modern society. They only hinder us, I wish people could see that. I mean its not up to me what others think though, and in the end I dont care that much. They are happier so it doesnt really matter. I mean after all humanity has fought one another for so long having different beliefs, maybe we're just never destined to get along if anyone is slightly different from one another. Im starting to think the hive mind/communist strategy isn't so bad. Tho redditors say otherwise and I trust them cause they do more digging then I have fucks to give
My pinkie hurts, bye. Nvm I'm still typing, I found this website recently and I was skeptical about the website at first because it was the first one ive seen praising the choice of suicide,sort of, at least provides ample honest support and not a hotline in my face at every question. Honest real conversations happen here where people stop spewing bullshit and finnaly just drop straight answers, that's enough for me. I just post my vents out into the world and noone will read them but sometimes I get a little hug emoji reactions so eh thats good enough I suppose. I dont reallt want active attention anyway its too demanding for me, id have to put in work and effort. Feeeedbackkk looop.
I actually got tired, should I sleep tho I have do much work to do sigh. Tomodachi time. Im def not dying until.afyer my Japan trip. It'll be fun to experience new things with my friends. Thats quite litteraly all I want to do in life but life doesnt work that way and people r also hard to work with. If I could weave things together like tomodachi life we'd all be happier for it!
Sorry about all the dates and plans I made that wont happen, I was just making them to kinda give me some hope, or yk like motivation to do anything rlly. It hardly works. Tho the things I'm gonna miss the most would actually be those events, like Sonic movie 4 I really wanted to see what happened. Just write me how it went idk, will soul bond or something. (I dont beleive in that shit haha
INCOMING RANT. Very cringe I switch POVS a lot and ramble :D
Hi notes app, I won't talk long. I am dying, every day I stay up past 5am and do who knows what. Basically just feel anxious, headachey, like shit, depressed, jittery, agitated, tired. Like everything u can think of. I just stare at walls pick my face like crazy or irritate me pericing. Or shovel food into my tummy but lowkey recently nothing tastes that good and I only eat once a day. I doordash now to make some money for Japan, its aight but the stress of each order is actually crazier than you'd think. Idk if im just unlucky but it feels like each order has some weird hurrdle. It's probably cause this is the worst possible job for adhd. Like remembering the person's name, taking a Pic of the receipt. Oh! They're closed rn at the front gotta wait at the drive through. Yeesh its taking a while where's that order!? Oh BTW there's a gate code and you need to show ur drivers ID. Dont carry that with you while you drive too bad!, directions taking you not to exactly where the house is and glitching out. And phone is overheating and dying at light speed each drive with a chance of it richoceting out of the phone holder on every food and the food with it. Also, you might have to knock, greet, get a secret code from people who knows! I had to go to a hospital once and give what I assume was a dying old lady her jack n the box. It was honestly kinda sad, she didnt look well. Maybe that was her last meal idk. I sure as hell wouldn't choose jack in the box. Am I monster for using the money my dead aunt gave me to immediately go to Japan? I think so, especially since I didnt treat her that great my whole life and didnt even see her when she died. She wrote so many notes to me at her funeral it was overwhelming, but I didnt even cry, I can only care about myself rn for some reason. Now that gets me crying a storm.
Anyway, update on life I guess. Are things better, well I guess its hard to say since these notes are getting closer in date to one another so not much happens in all honesty. Just realized I forgot the appointment date for the psychiatrist. I dont know why they let me free, i'm mentally in hell but its probably cause im not a danger to others or in psychosis. Those people r worse and more rightfully deserve to be locked up because they could endanger others. I mean idk a lot about the health system in general cause I'm kinda an indiot so maybe thats not what psychosis is. Insane in the brain people like me who are clawing at their own skin tryn die aren't worth it, unless its a financial liability ofc!
I played a game I related to recently, needy streamer overload. And if you know what that is and your like oh gosh, ofc you did u incel. And like okay my life isnt really exactly the the K-angel girlie. Like think of it as if she were a real person. Shes in Japan and society is different there especially with mental illnesses that's kinda what the games all about, how addicted young people are to screens, idols, streamers social images and just latch on to drugs, sex, fake social lives as a desperate means for love and affection from someone. The game is actually pretty funny its good commentary, like a lot of the things in the game were more so funny than sad to me because of how real it was. K-angel is like me tryn mask as even a semblance of a normal functioning person in society.
Forget the anime crap I got tomodachi life! And am lokey chudding out on it every moment of my life and am on auto pilot. Do I completely indulge in short term dopamine, yes. Do I lose all hope in getting better because every day i waste away doing stuff thats not important and worth my time and also waste money in the process, ding ding ding. Haha.
I yap a lot more to my friends now, I run in loops say the same shit ive said and honestly kinda act more desperate now. I never gave myself that desperation before, never allowed myself to admit I was lonely and sad and wanted to hang out. And well, im still kinda not "admitting" it but its very obvious. It's not like "...mpph I wish someone were here next to mee" its more subtle and progressively annoying like "Oh! Saturday doesnt work, haha, what about Sunday haha (ill kms if you dont come!)"
Er...sorry if your ever reading this after I die, I dont really intend for yall to read this crap but its only if im gone and idk u wanna hear. Forget my tangent, moving on.
When I get bored of writing something or lose my train of thought im just gonna push on through.
I want to die.
So the medicine ive been takinggg I dunno, I dunno anything. Nothing feels like it works and I overthink everything. I dont think lymictal is even rlly supposed to do nothing actually, it just is like a placeholder safe drug for Adderall but like shit isnt rlly good enough for someone like me. I've apparently been told its supposed to make the Lows not as low and highs not as high and just feel kinda okay with everything. That couldnt be more opposite of me. While I dont feel my emotions heavily outside they're very prominent and persistent inside, to the extent that I dont think i feel anything but crushing weight, guilt, sadness and yada yada that shit feeling.
Well, maybe one way the medicine is doing anything whatsoever is making me stay up even more. I dont ever sleep now, if I do sleep its long and hard but if I dont I just stay up and who the fuck knows waste time typically. Sit in my room all day, avoid roomates, eat chud dinner, go on discord with my friends all night and talk about doing work and never do it and then goon and then tomodachi and then goon and then breakfast and avoid roomates. I never feel great doing a single one of these activities, or even sleeping. Sleeping is never enough rest im in a constant state of fatigue and fixation on useless crap.
Will anything save me from my hell hole, I think...you cant sit around waiting for anyone to do it for you no matter how much you want to. People are only gonna be there for people who are worth the effort and time, you have to do it yourself. And like I know that but
I dont fucking have the will to make my situation better i try every single minute of my life and see no improvement you couldnt possibly understand. I try in the way u would'nt expect, a different kind of way. Think....like it might even be the most simple mundane ass thing, let's get up and move my leg to the right and actually take a piss instead of holding it in for no reason. Or let's try and show up for one of my few classes that my parents are paying hella money for, for me to not go to anything rlly or not try hard enough put enough time into assignments and get really disheartening critique that makes me lose even more drive.What do you even do if you were me really? I know i said I wouldn't type a storm but its 5 am and its not like I'm going to do anything better. Might as well write my memoir for my death. Which is either going to be fast, loud, out of the blue and hasty or slow agonizing and over the span of a few more months/years. But its sure as hell coming. It's an inevitable thing really. Anyway, I feel so envious of everything and everyone. I mean like....its not like I snap a pencil in anger and think about others downfall thinking about how great other people's lives might be v.s mine, it just sends me further into a sad depressed rut of hopelessness. I just wish I could be anyone, anything else at all. I dont want this...obviously lol, noone really really truly gets me. I cant feel love, I have never felt it. I dont think thats a misinterpretation. I pretty much only care about myself in some weird way. This is probably how bad people do bad things, they dont feel the things normal people are supposed to feel and r in a constant state of irritation and discomfort. I mean not to excuse anyone. There r a large variety of bad people, they all have different intentions, some r seriously mentally ill and lost/detached from everything around them. I wonder if id ever get to that point, I am curious.
I would always relate to the villian characters in shows and media. Like the heros were great and everything but can we agree they had no depth? No trauma or emotional journey and comeback. Villian characters have always been more engaging. So like why would I root for the bland boring main character guy when I could root for the girl boss baddy girl with a backstory or something.
This is probably what an evil chuds diary looks like. Let's not head in that direction. I wanna make it clear no matter what I dont have interest in anything, and that includes killing anyone or doing anything sickening in that nature. If I dont get pleasure from it why do it and also its wrong. Uhh, first point because its wrong. I mean we could go back and forth about the true meaning or wrong or right because they're kinda subjective to some degree but like im gonna say everything I do is based on gut feelings and I read situations well. So like im never doing that shit okay? If u ever catch me doing that shit lock her up thats someone stealing my identity.
I have been watching too much horrible shit clearly.
Gah as much as I hate to admit anything to my mom at all. She is somewhat right about u becoming what u consume. We are what we eat, we become what we think, its all about what we choose to do, and i've never been a do-er. Im more of a please please please I dont wanna do that! Id rather sit at home on my ass and watch mlp.
It's an amazement im not morbidly obese with some discord kitten or something. Maybe thats another reality me, she wouldn't be far off. I love that video of the reddit guy in a trenchcoat recently thats hitting the bell, cracked me the fuck up. When the Onion "news" just starts becoming reality cause reality is fucked. But the "reality" of reality is really a lie, none of this shit matters. It doesnt, it all doesnt exist and exists at the same time. that was cringe to even type out.
We made up this entire thing to keep us what? Sane, I don't feel sane? Organized, unified, happy? Defineeetlyy not happy!
Forget that, yesterday I was so sick. Or well I guess yesterday's yesterday I was so sick. I dunno why, it mightve been the food or something my head was pounding so bad from doing and assignment. See I do one fucking peice of work and my brain punishes me for it and then I cant work at all afterwords. What the fuck am I supposed to do just keep pushing through it and feeling like shit even more. I felt so ill I thought I was gonna vomit 3 times, serious migraine.
It could be the medicine or anything really. I like talking about drugs and documenting changes. Really I shouldve been in the medical feild maybe, but like I dunno. I dont rlly want anything I dont care. My therapist says I do care, at least about what I want to do in life, be and animator and everything. But honestly im just trying to latch on to something cause somethings better than nothing, nothing = death, in my case. Not acheiveing anything or being good at anything means your existence is meaningless. Id kill myself the minute there wasnt an ounce of purpose in my life. But I do nothing to justify that "want", i ignore, push away, do things last minute even if I "want" to do them. I really dont care, it mighve been my dream as a kid, but so was a lot of dumb other stuff. I just wanted to be successful and happy and good at litteraly anything because ive been bad at everything my entire life and failed in every way imaginable. Is it so hard to ask for a small win. Small wins dont happen to people who expect everything will go wrong, but I dont believe its possible to change that wire in my brain, and I dont think I want to for some reason. It's everything I am.
My sister and mother r bothering me lately. When it comes to my family I want nothing to do with them. Of course anyone for that matter cause they all make me mad but like some people make me more pissed for no reason than others and thad be my family and strangers. My friends have me tamed or something they dont piss me off as much, or like my brother I guess. I feel embarassed talking to him and on a safe mode filter but Def not irritated. It's just like, they're trying to reach out to me and ik that but. Im doing exactly what I thought id do right out the hospital and shuffle everything under the rug
, I dont care about u to the same degree u do about me so give the fuck up. And you could be like "gah thats your family they'll never give up on you what do you expect? Thats what family is for!" Or some shit, but like idfk! Im a horrible person. Im not lying out my ass I can hear you talking rn saying like oh you're just projecting or wanting everyone else to think you're a horrible person but you're not, I AM. You idiots I dont feel gratitude and appreciation for anyone so what do you expect? Da doii. All I do is complain on phone calls with my sisrer and view it as a chore, because she'll just criticize me under the cover of like wanting me to be better but like preaching to me doesnt help with shit. You think I care about cleaning my period pads when im out here ordering SN from Ukraine trying to off myself, sorry for that tmi bit. thats the last of my fucking problems I couldn't give a rats ass about any of that shit. And my mom's over here giving me evey remedy on earth, every unfunny, propaganda ai ass conspiracy voo-doo reel telling me the poke i love to eat that makes me feel a semblance of better has parasites and is gonna kill me. oh my lord.
I lowkey lied to them in the hospital, its funny how I can lie and tell the truth simultaneously. It's like I tell the truth and then also make a lie at the same time in that same sentence. Everything's a cover story with me, I have no real personality because I dont even know what that is? So everything is always an act cause im acting the part, im playing the role. You want the role of someone who's gonna regret their actions and want to work on not killing herself? I'll give it to you, for my own selfish reasons. To get out of here and try again. I never cared about you, its always been about me. Even my therapist thinks I'm in the clear and isnt worried about me that much anymore.
It's like I said! Im egotistical, till death. I hate myself and the way that I am thats why im trying to bring me down. I can never get these small wins actually because ill never allow myself too. I dont deserve it, you can say I do. But it doesnt matter coming from you, it only matters if it comes from me.
I dont know what I think, it always changes and makes no sense and runs off or yk contradicts other things ive said probably. I do feel sadness, I feel sad thinking about a possibility of you reading the horrible things ive said and being sad. But, at least it's honesty. I think honesty and hard facts are more important, but a white lie will save people that emotional turmoil. It's what God is essentially. A white lie to protect people from the truth, the dark cold and ugly reality of humanities pointlessness and blantant nature of cruelty.
Sometimes I write and im like....all I do is talk with and and then put three big words together in hopes they share some sort of similarity to accurately describe what im trying to say. This is what you get when you get someone who's been using chat gbt to write her essays for the past few years and always cheated in english reguardless/pre-ai. Haha
I like talking about my friends and stringing things out of everything. I dont know what to call it other than analyze excessively for no reason "stringing things out". Like getting to the roots of things, cause I struggle to understand everything but I always understand more than others a lot of the time, or maybe more in-debthly. Certainly more convolutedley, if thats a word. Obviously it bothers almost everyone and is pointless but I have a addictive fascination with it.
Really stringing out the ins and outs of the way people think, act, do things, interact with others. Our brains are the most complex and stupid things ever. Why do I exist to constantly question my existence and feel sad? Its only right to think punishment from some higher being - if you were a dumbass ofc. Yeah thats right I think all religon is "insert worst word imaginable" shoot me in the head i dont care, and no that does not include being an atheist it doesnt count. It's stupid to think it does, it's honestly shouldn't even have a label but people label everything. Being an atheist is not a belief, its a lack thereof. It has no structure in the same way these organizations cults do. I guess its around science but thats just straight facts that cand be denied
. If you look at statistics of humanity (ikr nerd) or like trends and patterns i mean of how society goes, people usually get obsessive with a new god because a new group discovered questioning existence, they fight other people for being different and thinking there is a different god.New faiths get dropped left and right and so do people. But religon is slowly disappearing thats for sure. I mean people can always latch on to their delusions but the world will get smarter. We're only expanding after all, and old coping strategies won't have a place in a modern society. They only hinder us, I wish people could see that. I mean its not up to me what others think though, and in the end I dont care that much. They are happier so it doesnt really matter. I mean after all humanity has fought one another for so long having different beliefs, maybe we're just never destined to get along if anyone is slightly different from one another. Im starting to think the hive mind/communist strategy isn't so bad. Tho redditors say otherwise and I trust them cause they do more digging then I have fucks to give
My pinkie hurts, bye. Nvm I'm still typing, I found this website recently and I was skeptical about the website at first because it was the first one ive seen praising the choice of suicide,sort of, at least provides ample honest support and not a hotline in my face at every question. Honest real conversations happen here where people stop spewing bullshit and finnaly just drop straight answers, that's enough for me. I just post my vents out into the world and noone will read them but sometimes I get a little hug emoji reactions so eh thats good enough I suppose. I dont reallt want active attention anyway its too demanding for me, id have to put in work and effort. Feeeedbackkk looop.
I actually got tired, should I sleep tho I have do much work to do sigh. Tomodachi time. Im def not dying until.afyer my Japan trip. It'll be fun to experience new things with my friends. Thats quite litteraly all I want to do in life but life doesnt work that way and people r also hard to work with. If I could weave things together like tomodachi life we'd all be happier for it!
Sorry about all the dates and plans I made that wont happen, I was just making them to kinda give me some hope, or yk like motivation to do anything rlly. It hardly works. Tho the things I'm gonna miss the most would actually be those events, like Sonic movie 4 I really wanted to see what happened. Just write me how it went idk, will soul bond or something. (I dont beleive in that shit haha
