kind of an introduction i suppose

[ilovecats1]

im new here and in forums in general i have only used reddit or image boards before this so i apologize in advance for if im doing this wrong. also im kinda writing this like how i kinda think and i try to articulate whats in my head as i go and english isnt my native language so it might be hard to read.

im a trans woman and it seems so silly and first world problemy but my main reasons for ctb has always been regarding me being trans. this time specifically its more about employment and how my ability to save for my surgery depends on a singular exam that only happens every two years. i am 21 and there is a possiblity i could get it in two years if everything goes smoothly and i get a job at a not so expensive province but if i fail that gets set back maybe 4-5 years more and i dont know if i can wait that long and the situation here seems dire for trans/lgbt people in general and i might lose access to hormones soon with no possiblity of international shipping happening to my country. also it seems i am incapable of studying for these sorts of things for whatever reason and its the same thing with the uni entrance ones. but its also weird for me how since i was like 14 i have thought of ctb in some way or another. i always told myself it was that evening i would take the jump from our apartment every day since i woke up until i back up from the roof and go to sleep every day back then.

i have been periodically getting better with my transition but i feel like the high of that has worn off and im back to my old self again and the feeling of worthlesness and selfishness(which i hate the most) has come back. im also trying to babysit my niece while im even writing this and thats mentally taxing to me because trying to act all happy and childish is really hard right now.

i also wanted to just talk with people even though i do have friends that i talk online but i cannot talk with them without feeling like im seeking attention and i do not want to make them worry and/or they wouldnt even believe me because i do not have any mh diagnosis or any previous attempts.

my plan right now is waiting for the exam in october and waiting for the results in a month or two more and ctb with sn in a forest here. i did also consider partial suspension for a while but sn seems the better choice for me and its sold here on mainstream shopping sites with 98% purity(the smallest i could find was a kilogram so i dont know if i can hide it very well i do not have much privacy in this house) with the antiemetics also being otc.

 

[meowpuppy]

hi also trans girl hope you're well

being trans is also not a first world problem, since a first world problem is a struggle for people in the first world, but trans people are oppressed everywhere.. please be kind to yourself!

also i empathize a lot i think i'm an attention seeker 24/7 because of how inattentive my parents have been all my life, i think we just have to find other people who are both willing to constantly give and ask for attention, though idk if you're willing to constantly give attention..

anyways, an mh diagnosis isn't equal to not having mental problems, because an mh diagnosis is descriptive, not prescriptive. also, most professionals tend to underdiagnose minorities

 

[Mr.Ruben]

I would move out if you want to live, but seeing how things are a pain in the ass, both housing and family, it's sucks.
Also good luck with uni/college, I messed up my entrance exams again, thoughts of ctb are constant, but the false hope that things will be alright in my head still shines, Im also really lucky to have good friends, and eyes, I love art and I thinker's the main reason I live.
also people here are pretty nice, mistakes can happen all the time

 

[Theresnoescape]

im new here and in forums in general i have only used reddit or image boards before this so i apologize in advance for if im doing this wrong. also im kinda writing this like how i kinda think and i try to articulate whats in my head as i go and english isnt my native language so it might be hard to read.

im a trans woman and it seems so silly and first world problemy but my main reasons for ctb has always been regarding me being trans. this time specifically its more about employment and how my ability to save for my surgery depends on a singular exam that only happens every two years. i am 21 and there is a possiblity i could get it in two years if everything goes smoothly and i get a job at a not so expensive province but if i fail that gets set back maybe 4-5 years more and i dont know if i can wait that long and the situation here seems dire for trans/lgbt people in general and i might lose access to hormones soon with no possiblity of international shipping happening to my country. also it seems i am incapable of studying for these sorts of things for whatever reason and its the same thing with the uni entrance ones. but its also weird for me how since i was like 14 i have thought of ctb in some way or another. i always told myself it was that evening i would take the jump from our apartment every day since i woke up until i back up from the roof and go to sleep every day back then.

i have been periodically getting better with my transition but i feel like the high of that has worn off and im back to my old self again and the feeling of worthlesness and selfishness(which i hate the most) has come back. im also trying to babysit my niece while im even writing this and thats mentally taxing to me because trying to act all happy and childish is really hard right now.

i also wanted to just talk with people even though i do have friends that i talk online but i cannot talk with them without feeling like im seeking attention and i do not want to make them worry and/or they wouldnt even believe me because i do not have any mh diagnosis or any previous attempts.

my plan right now is waiting for the exam in october and waiting for the results in a month or two more and ctb with sn in a forest here. i did also consider partial suspension for a while but sn seems the better choice for me and its sold here on mainstream shopping sites with 98% purity(the smallest i could find was a kilogram so i dont know if i can hide it very well i do not have much privacy in this house) with the antiemetics also being otc.

I can't really offer any advice, the way I am lately I don't think I'm in a position to.

You're still young, but you sound like you at least have some things to aim for with the exam and your surgery. I would at least give the exam your best shot and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck.

 

[ilovecats1]

hi also trans girl hope you're well

being trans is also not a first world problem, since a first world problem is a struggle for people in the first world, but trans people are oppressed everywhere.. please be kind to yourself!

also i empathize a lot i think i'm an attention seeker 24/7 because of how inattentive my parents have been all my life, i think we just have to find other people who are both willing to constantly give and ask for attention, though idk if you're willing to constantly give attention..

anyways, a mh diagnosis isn't equal to not having mental problems, because an mh diagnosis is descriptive, not prescriptive. also, most professionals tend to underdiagnose minorities

omg hi. one of the main reasons i feel selfish is also because i feel like i cannot give people close to me much attention right now. i am not really good with words to describe my feelings so i feel like i cannot give attention to people or im too stressed to say the wrong things i mostly live in my own head since a long time.

for the first one i think that for other people but for me it seems i am creating problems from nothing to feel bad about for me. i feel like this in almost anything even things that are negative like this i feel i am not "enough" or faking it all the time.

its also very hard for me to be truly honest to people even the ones that are closest to me. this is the most honest i can get on places like these so its nice <3

I would move out if you want to live, but seeing how things are a pain in the ass, both housing and family, it's sucks.
Also good luck with uni/college, I messed up my entrance exams again, thoughts of ctb are constant, but the false hope that things will be alright in my head still shines, Im also really lucky to have good friends, and eyes, I love art and I thinker's the main reason I live.
also people here are pretty nice, mistakes can happen all the time

i cannot really move out i do not have a job and i have graduated from a two year program that was very easy but the actual way to get a job that will allow me to save for the surgery and not just barely get by is behind that exam. the jobs i can get with my degree will 100% pay me minimum wage even if a place even manages a trans person which is kinda hard for my degree since i will be working in a hospital with people. i do not actually know the main reason i live right now... i like books but thats more to cope for me since i would be cut off from the real world while reading. also i agree people are really nice here! <3

 

[meowpuppy]

omg hi. one of the main reasons i feel selfish is also because i feel like i cannot give people close to me much attention right now. i am not really good with words to describe my feelings so i feel like i cannot give attention to people or im too stressed to say the wrong things i mostly live in my own head since a long time.

for the first one i think that for other people but for me it seems i am creating problems from nothing to feel bad about for me. i feel like this in almost anything even things that are negative like this i feel i am not "enough" or faking it all the time.

its also very hard for me to be truly honest to people even the ones that are closest to me. this is the most honest i can get on places like these so its nice <3

i don't think being trans is a problem created out of nothing..

 

[ilovecats1]

I can't really offer any advice, the way I am lately I don't think I'm in a position to.

You're still young, but you sound like you at least have some things to aim for with the exam and your surgery. I would at least give the exam your best shot and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck.

thank you! i know i am young but thats also why im so stressed about this. i just want to not hate my body but thats behind paywalls i cant even imagine to pay right now and i do not know if i can wait until my thirties for it.

 

[Gomomon]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I also still don't really know how to use this site properly, but I'm getting used to it lolol.

I don't think being trans is a first-world problem. It's hard not to feel at home in your own body, and a lot of people feel this way; people in developing countries just can't even address it because of other issues at the forefront of their lives. I could see that causing a lot of turmoil in someone, especially the fear of losing access to care or help. In my country, the shithole U.S, Trans rights/LGBTQ/Women/Human rights have gone so downhill because of the Trump administration that even I feel like one day I'll lose access to resources I need, or be hate-crimed in some way.

I am always open to talking on this forum, so feel free to reach me , and I also come here to not concern my friends too; I put them through a lot of unnecessary horseshit that I'm frankly tired of doing. Talking somewhat anonymously to online users like me helps me feel understood better. People in my life always push that damn hotline in my face when I even so much as stray off of being "okay" or "happy" for one god damn microsecond, and it makes me feel pitied and worthless.

I wanted to ask, too, does everything hang on this exam? Would you ever be okay with pursuing a different major as a backup plan? I tried to end my life after not being happy at a big university doing a STEM major, but I've since done a gap year and gone back to a different college for art instead. I thought it was over after "downgrading" to an easier Major. It's good you have access to SN, though, as a relatively painless way to leave in case it ever gets to a point, you never want to be in a place where every method available to you involves a high degree of pain. I lost the ability to own a gun, and SN/Antiemetics are really hard to get in this country, and I've failed at obtaining them numerous times, so I'm scared of what I'll resort to in a time of crisis.

I hope you enjoy the site and find a little more comfort and acceptance here, best of luck :)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

 

[ilovecats1]

i don't think being trans is a problem created out of nothing..

i also do not think so but im really dumb and i do not believe myself on almost everything so thats why i kinda said that. im sorry if that sounded rude i was only talking about how im feeling for myself :c

 

[Mr.Ruben]

omg hi. one of the main reasons i feel selfish is also because i feel like i cannot give people close to me much attention right now. i am not really good with words to describe my feelings so i feel like i cannot give attention to people or im too stressed to say the wrong things i mostly live in my own head since a long time.

for the first one i think that for other people but for me it seems i am creating problems from nothing to feel bad about for me. i feel like this in almost anything even things that are negative like this i feel i am not "enough" or faking it all the time.

its also very hard for me to be truly honest to people even the ones that are closest to me. this is the most honest i can get on places like these so its nice <3

i cannot really move out i do not have a job and i have graduated from a two year program that was very easy but the actual way to get a job that will allow me to save for the surgery and not just barely get by is behind that exam. the jobs i can get with my degree will 100% pay me minimum wage even if a place even manages a trans person which is kinda hard for my degree since i will be working in a hospital with people. i do not actually know the main reason i live right now... i like books but thats more to cope for me since i would be cut off from the real world while reading. also i agree people are really nice here! <3

we could consider a lot of things as coping, every enjoyable thing that is not positive for our future, but it's not, it's simply things we enjoy. I'd recommend finding cool people, maybe hard to find in a hospital, but even outside of it, cool people tend to give us a better time in life

 

[meowpuppy]

i cannot really move out i do not have a job and i have graduated from a two year program that was very easy but the actual way to get a job that will allow me to save for the surgery and not just barely get by is behind that exam. the jobs i can get with my degree will 100% pay me minimum wage even if a place even manages a trans person which is kinda hard for my degree since i will be working in a hospital with people. i do not actually know the main reason i live right now... i like books but thats more to cope for me since i would be cut off from the real world while reading. also i agree people are really nice here! <3

oh my gosh i love books too!! (read signature lol). i think the entire point of existence, for the human, at least, is to cope with how generally awful life is in a lot of aspects, cf. kant on this in the first part of the critique of pure reason.

im sorry for being a nerd but generally its okay to cope with the real world by doing this not in the real world, because the real world isn't that great anyways, and trying to constantly be real in the real world that is real while everything else is fake sounds to me like watered-down platonism

 

[ilovecats1]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I also still don't really know how to use this site properly, but I'm getting used to it lolol.

I don't think being trans is a first-world problem. It's hard not to feel at home in your own body, and a lot of people feel this way; people in developing countries just can't even address it because of other issues at the forefront of their lives. I could see that causing a lot of turmoil in someone, especially the fear of losing access to care or help. In my country, the shithole U.S, Trans rights/LGBTQ/Women/Human rights have gone so downhill because of the Trump administration that even I feel like one day I'll lose access to resources I need, or be hate-crimed in some way.

I am always open to talking on this forum, so feel free to reach me , and I also come here to not concern my friends too; I put them through a lot of unnecessary horseshit that I'm frankly tired of doing. Talking somewhat anonymously to online users like me helps me feel understood better. People in my life always push that damn hotline in my face when I even so much as stray off of being "okay" or "happy" for one god damn microsecond, and it makes me feel pitied and worthless.

I wanted to ask, too, does everything hang on this exam? Would you ever be okay with pursuing a different major as a backup plan? I tried to end my life after not being happy at a big university doing a STEM major, but I've since done a gap year and gone back to a different college for art instead. I thought it was over after "downgrading" to an easier Major. It's good you have access to SN, though, as a relatively painless way to leave in case it ever gets to a point, you never want to be in a place where every method available to you involves a high degree of pain. I lost the ability to own a gun, and SN/Antiemetics are really hard to get in this country, and I've failed at obtaining them numerous times, so I'm scared of what I'll resort to in a time of crisis.

I hope you enjoy the site and find a little more comfort and acceptance here, best of luck :)

im also from a "developing" country but i dont feel like it because i have friends i talk to from places like saudi arabia that have it much worse and it doesnt even feel like a comparison at times. everything doesnt really hang on this exam really but it moves the timeline where i can even begin saving money for it further and im starting to get hopeless. my degree is in a weird position as its a two year program and only government hospitals pay good money that would allow me and also thats weirdly the only place i wouldnt be in much danger as a trans people to lose my job. its very hard to even get fired if you tried from government jobs here.

it also sucks that you do not have a relatively painless method available there i thought the us was good with things like international shipping somewhat but western countries are more sensitive and aware of things happening that they do more regulations on everything :c

oh my gosh i love books too!! (read signature lol). i think the entire point of existence, for the human, at least, is to cope with how generally awful life is in a lot of aspects, cf. kant on this in the first part of the critique of pure reason.

im sorry for being a nerd but generally its okay to cope with the real world by doing this not in the real world, because the real world isn't that great anyways, and trying to constantly be real in the real world that is real while everything else is fake sounds to me like watered-down platonism

omgg yeah i think that as well but people think im overdoing it sometimes. since high school every media i consume be it books/other media i only care about things happening there rather than real life. its cool that you read philisophy i could never read it i mostly read scifi or fantasy books but i just picked up a goethe book and i like the romanticism in that regarding nature and stuff because i like to find little beauty in things like a cool summer night breeze or watching clouds move it feels bittersweet that even though i feel like i do not matter i can forget i exist and enjoy those. i hate how i cant even see the stars anymore because of light pollution these days though :c

 

[Gomomon]

im also from a "developing" country but i dont feel like it because i have friends i talk to from places like saudi arabia that have it much worse and it doesnt even feel like a comparison at times. everything doesnt really hang on this exam really but it moves the timeline where i can even begin saving money for it further and im starting to get hopeless. my degree is in a weird position as its a two year program and only government hospitals pay good money that would allow me and also thats weirdly the only place i wouldnt be in much danger as a trans people to lose my job. its very hard to even get fired if you tried from government jobs here.

it also sucks that you do not have a relatively painless method available there i thought the us was good with things like international shipping somewhat but western countries are more sensitive and aware of things happening that they do more regulations on everything :c

That's unfortunate about the surgery. Would there ever be other options available to you to raise the money? Like a healthcare plan? My sibling is trans, and their top surgery was free on our insurance, but I know that's not possible in a lot of places; it's circumstantial.

Yeah, the U.S is doing major crackdowns on SN usage because it used to be sold on Amazon, and there is an increasing amount of young people in this country ordering it and CTB. There have been multiple court cases. I have ordered SN twice, and it failed to get past customs. The price is also too high for me to ship internationally, but it is what it is; some people succeed with it.

 

[ilovecats1]

That's unfortunate about the surgery. Would there ever be other options available to you to raise the money? Like a healthcare plan? My sibling is trans, and their top surgery was free on our insurance, but I know that's not possible in a lot of places; it's circumstantial.

Yeah, the U.S is doing major crackdowns on SN usage because it used to be sold on Amazon, and there is an increasing amount of young people in this country ordering it and CTB. There have been multiple court cases. I have ordered SN twice, and it failed to get past customs. The price is also too high for me to ship internationally, but it is what it is; some people succeed with it.

its hard in turkey and also bottom surgery is much more complicated. it is technically covered by the government but there are 0 surgeons in government hospitals that do that and even if there was one that claimed to do i wouldnt trust it since it would probably mean life long complications much worse. my best option would be in thailand and it would cost me in total 20k usd to do and minimum wage is around 600 dollars and that is barely enough or sometimes impossible to even get by with. i would also need to get confirmation from a psychiatrist here that tells me im safe of mind and have dysphoria and can get it and i do not know if i can even get that or even if i can right now they are trying to pass laws that make getting these surgeries abroad jail time illegal.

now that ive written it it seems kind of funny that my life is worth around 20 grand american

 

[meowpuppy]

im also from a "developing" country but i dont feel like it because i have friends i talk to from places like saudi arabia that have it much worse and it doesnt even feel like a comparison at times. everything doesnt really hang on this exam really but it moves the timeline where i can even begin saving money for it further and im starting to get hopeless. my degree is in a weird position as its a two year program and only government hospitals pay good money that would allow me and also thats weirdly the only place i wouldnt be in much danger as a trans people to lose my job. its very hard to even get fired if you tried from government jobs here.

it also sucks that you do not have a relatively painless method available there i thought the us was good with things like international shipping somewhat but western countries are more sensitive and aware of things happening that they do more regulations on everything :c

omgg yeah i think that as well but people think im overdoing it sometimes. since high school every media i consume be it books/other media i only care about things happening there rather than real life. its cool that you read philisophy i could never read it i mostly read scifi or fantasy books but i just picked up a goethe book and i like the romanticism in that regarding nature and stuff because i like to find little beauty in things like a cool summer night breeze or watching clouds move it feels bittersweet that even though i feel like i do not matter i can forget i exist and enjoy those. i hate how i cant even see the stars anymore because of light pollution these days though :c

yeah its okay i use books in place of a personality


i still don't think it's very good to compare your suffering to others because i've very rarely seen it lead to a positive outcome. it just makes people sad. i remember that if you want to convince somebody to join your cause, you have to talk about the good things that you'll do together, not how bad the world presently is. you're basically doing that to yourself so it's no wonder you're kind of stuck. i was also pretty stuck in self-hatred and comparison and loathing around 2024-2025-ish. i hope you can get out of what i think you're suffering in..

good luck on the exam, obvi

 

[ilovecats1]

yeah its okay i use books in place of a personality


i still don't think it's very good to compare your suffering to others because i've very rarely seen it lead to a positive outcome. it just makes people sad. i remember reading in some essays and pamphlets and stuff that if you want to convince somebody to join your political party or whatever, you have to talk about the good things that you'll do together, not how bad the world presently is. you're basically doing that to yourself so it's no wonder you're kind of stuck. i was also pretty stuck in self-hatred and comparison and loathing around 2024-2025-ish. i hope you can get out of what i think you're suffering in..

good luck on the exam, obvi

tyy <3 i think i go in and out of this state but it seems like they are the only constant in my life and are the prominent state im in sadly.