i have managed to make it a couple more weeks. things have only gotten worse. no one wants to hear how depressed i am, so i hide it, but when i hide it, i'm "not communicating". people continue to avoid accountability while demonizing me left and right for things i can't control and have apologized for. no matter what i do, i can't win.
life is so painful, i stopped sleeping during the night and just lay there for hours on end having an existential crisis.
no one cares. and the 2-3 who do, can't help. the "professionals" have failed me.
i'm setting up my method carefully, planning my will and burial/cremation (which i don't really want a funeral or wake, so people can't be fake and pretend they care), writing my notes. i texted my mom and told her very matter of factly that i'm going to end my life. it'll hurt her, but she'll be okay. she'll have her family and my brother to take care of her.
i just feel awful numb right now, but can still feel the pain deep down.
i've screamed for help, for love, for acknowledgement for the past 13 years. i'm done. i just hope the other side will be kinder or more peaceful. sigh.
if anyone wants a listening ear, to vent, to just shoot the shit in my final days, please let me know. all i've done is dedicate my life to helping everyone else, so i might as well go out that way doing what i love, helping others.
life is so painful, i stopped sleeping during the night and just lay there for hours on end having an existential crisis.
no one cares. and the 2-3 who do, can't help. the "professionals" have failed me.
i'm setting up my method carefully, planning my will and burial/cremation (which i don't really want a funeral or wake, so people can't be fake and pretend they care), writing my notes. i texted my mom and told her very matter of factly that i'm going to end my life. it'll hurt her, but she'll be okay. she'll have her family and my brother to take care of her.
i just feel awful numb right now, but can still feel the pain deep down.
i've screamed for help, for love, for acknowledgement for the past 13 years. i'm done. i just hope the other side will be kinder or more peaceful. sigh.
if anyone wants a listening ear, to vent, to just shoot the shit in my final days, please let me know. all i've done is dedicate my life to helping everyone else, so i might as well go out that way doing what i love, helping others.
unfortunately i am still here as i ran out of money for the month early this month so i couldn't purchase the means to CTB. i'm honestly considering a simpler method that's cost effective and will get me there. 
