Venting I don't want to care!!

[BleedMeAnOcean]

I'm just so fucking livid right now. I don't know why I care so much about this right now, I never have. I don't have a mother, she's not dead or absent but she's not a mother. Every memory I have with her is unpleasant. From screaming at me so much I hate the sound of my first name (I have to go by a nickname now), to beating me to let out her frustration, to threatening to abandon my sisters and I, to having to basically raise myself and my sisters, to neglecting to feed me so badly it stunted my growth, to destroying or hiding beloved objects of mine, to taking the door off of my bedroom and our bathroom to prevent me from hiding from her, to telling me to my face she knew all along I was suicidal and didn't care after CPS ratted to her everything I told them.

Yeah I know wahhh wahhhh I was abused. When I was done being a brain dead teen I just accepted the fact that it couldn't be helped. I didn't care, I never cared.

That was until a few nights ago, that guy I'm with wanted to have sex, but I wasn't really in the mood cause my sisters told me our mom fucking fed one of my childhood plushies to her dog. So we just kinda ended up laying in bed together and talking. He was digging into me about my suicidal ideation and ig just trying to understand why? He brought up my mom and I just kinda shut down. Then he said "anyone would be proud to have you as their kid, ik my mom and step mom love you"

Idk why that fucking broke me. I just started sobbing like a retard and I've been thinking about it since. Why do I care now? I hate fucking caring! I don't want to care that she hates me! I don't want to care!!!

I just wanna get drunk and bleed, idk what the fuck I'm even saying anymore I don't think I'm even coherent

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm just so fucking livid right now. I don't know why I care so much about this right now, I never have. I don't have a mother, she's not dead or absent but she's not a mother. Every memory I have with her is unpleasant. From screaming at me so much I hate the sound of my first name (I have to go by a nickname now), to beating me to let out her frustration, to threatening to abandon my sisters and I, to having to basically raise myself and my sisters, to neglecting to feed me so badly it stunted my growth, to destroying or hiding beloved objects of mine, to taking the door off of my bedroom and our bathroom to prevent me from hiding from her, to telling me to my face she knew all along I was suicidal and didn't care after CPS ratted to her everything I told them.

Yeah I know wahhh wahhhh I was abused. When I was done being a brain dead teen I just accepted the fact that it couldn't be helped. I didn't care, I never cared.

That was until a few nights ago, that guy I'm with wanted to have sex, but I wasn't really in the mood cause my sisters told me our mom fucking fed one of my childhood plushies to her dog. So we just kinda ended up laying in bed together and talking. He was digging into me about my suicidal ideation and ig just trying to understand why? He brought up my mom and I just kinda shut down. Then he said "anyone would be proud to have you as their kid, ik my mom and step mom love you"

Idk why that fucking broke me. I just started sobbing like a retard and I've been thinking about it since. Why do I care now? I hate fucking caring! I don't want to care that she hates me! I don't want to care!!!

I just wanna get drunk and bleed, idk what the fuck I'm even saying anymore I don't think I'm even coherent

Well you care because you wanted a real connection with anything resulting in a genuine motherly relationship. I don't think it's your mom's specifically