Venting PDA Autism makes me the most unlikable man alive

[herbiecide]

I would never wish this disease on anybody. I wish that I could be normal. I wish that I could have relationships and actual friends, which is something I've NEVER had all the way up through school. But it'll never happen. The only life for me is a life completely alone, driftng in a toxic void, watching other people have all the things I never will.

This disease has turned me into a closed-off, spiteful, utterly apathetic shell of a human being. I think about violence a lot. Almost every day, every time I see someone doing something I find immoral or asking something of me I don't want to do, the thoughts come in to beat their face to a pulp (although I'm not strong enough to ever do it). If there was a button or the Death Note around, there would be a literal trail of bodies everywhere I went. My mom would be dead 1000x over, my dad a few dozen times over.

Of course, as you can imagine, I've never had a girlfriend. Never had a true friend, not helped by the fact that due to my mom and dad being unable to drive, meaning that any chance to jive with anyone outside of school was completely impossible anyway. Not that I deserve one anyway, due to my mental state. I might as well be a walking domestic abuser hidden in an ugly nerd's body. No girl on Earth could somehow avoid all my trip wires.

You know the funny thing, though? My autism has my brain twisted in so many knots that I am, just barely, happy. Treading water with my copes of internet, learning, and some porn on the side to satisfy my testosterone whining at me. If I didn't have the internet, I would've certainly killed myself before age 20. (better for the rest of the world to be honest)

I'm 25 now.
60+ more years of mental hell to go.

As soon as my dad dies and NEETing is no longer viable, I'll probably commit myself to the psych ward. I'm too chickenshit to rope or jump off a building or SN or whatever else, and having to actually go to work and deal with the demands of life would probably drive me into total psychosis. I actually did ""work"" once, for literally two days a month, at a place where all I did was clean things completely alone. The literal easiest, least demanding job imaginable, and I was already crying and feeling that tension all the way through my body. I was already wanting to kill people.

My few good things in life will all fall away, and I'll be locked in some form of cage with not a single crumb of happiness for the rest of my days. I deserve this. I should've never been born.

 

[herbiecide]

replying only becuase it took so long to approve this post that I don't think anyone saw this. I don't know how many other people have PDA-style autism but man do I wish I had some comfort

 

[SergantWallbridge]

First time coming across the term, it appear to fit me as well (although I don't put too much faith in it - you know, horoscope effect and stuff). I am 29 year old neet. I guess I help my parents with their farm? Which amount to working couple hours a day, at most.

Regardless. My own hatered for humanity/myself/parents has reduced sigbificantly once I started taking venlafaxine. My emotional spectrum is pretty narrow while I am on meds, but its for the best.

If you add together all the time I held any actual job it amounts to...2 years? Maybe 2.5. I was doing decently as a nightshift clerk at a gas station but still could only work there for ~6 months before having a meltdown.

Do you have a degree? I managed to get into a fairly decent uni to study law, only to drop out pretty much immediatelly, lol. Since then i no longer really participate in society.

 

[Chabrychek]

As a girl with autism, I really understand your pain and frustration. It's a terrible disorder. Feeling like an alien, always out of place, always rejected and hated. And I truly understand your aggression. But please, don't take it out on other people, especially your loved ones. Philosophy, especially Camus and existentialism, helped me cope with this terrible frustration. I mean, here I am, planning ctb, but a change of approach helps me cope with the cruelty of everyday life.

 

[herbiecide]

First time coming across the term, it appear to fit me as well (although I don't put too much faith in it - you know, horoscope effect and stuff). I am 29 year old neet. I guess I help my parents with their farm? Which amount to working couple hours a day, at most.

Regardless. My own hatered for humanity/myself/parents has reduced sigbificantly once I started taking venlafaxine. My emotional spectrum is pretty narrow while I am on meds, but its for the best.

If you add together all the time I held any actual job it amounts to...2 years? Maybe 2.5. I was doing decently as a nightshift clerk at a gas station but still could only work there for ~6 months before having a meltdown.

Do you have a degree? I managed to get into a fairly decent uni to study law, only to drop out pretty much immediatelly, lol. Since then i no longer really participate in society.

Unfortunately no degree. I completed high school but never went to college at all. Probably for the best since I would've went into CS, which has a huge job crunch right now, thanks AI. And honestly I'm not sure I could've even tolerated that though with how much I don't like being told what to do and being forced to be at work for hours and hours.

As a girl with autism, I really understand your pain and frustration. It's a terrible disorder. Feeling like an alien, always out of place, always rejected and hated. And I truly understand your aggression. But please, don't take it out on other people, especially your loved ones. Philosophy, especially Camus and existentialism, helped me cope with this terrible frustration. I mean, here I am, planning ctb, but a change of approach helps me cope with the cruelty of everyday life.

I don't actually physically abuse anyone, but that insane tension ends up coming out as verbal attacks. Constant verbal abuse against anyone and everyone, because I just cannot keep it on the inside. The alternative for me is having a full meltdown and beating them up, like that one kid who tried to kill a teacher because she took away his Nintendo Switch. I would be that kind of person.

I try my best to be understanding and not get super mad, but having to deal with someone with an extended period of time is guaranteed to drain away all my patience. Mom and Dad, any future wife or kid or even close friend. Unless they were somehow perfect beings that never pissed me off... Maybe meds would help, but I've looked up people with my conditions and similar conditions like ODD and Conduct Disorder... life outcomes aren't great. My future might legitimately be prison.

 

[SergantWallbridge]

Now that I think about I do wonder whether the label applies to me. Would you mind exhanging a concise accounts of how our internal states tend to feel like as well as what we tend to struggle with? Just to verify whether there are overlaps in our respective pathologies. If you feel uncomfortable with sharing that it's fine, no pressure, but I will do it anyway.

I've been passivelly suicidal since pretty much forever (early childhood). I am constantly anxiety ridden. I had panic attack together with mild perceptual distortions in childhood. I am above average inteligence, low consciensciousness, high neuroticism, high introversion, above average openness. In many ways I've been doing great in school (that's how I managed to enroll in a good uni) but my math skills suck. I tend to be pretty forgetfull; I benefit from having a "handler" that reminds me of stuff, while simultaneusly hating having to cooperate and being ashamed of failing to be independend. I am frequently occupied with escapist fantasies; building a cabin in the woods, writing a bestseller novel and retreating from society etc.

My social skills suck. I default to thinking on a pretty abstract level and have trouble emotionally connecting with others. I never had a girlfriend and I am not particularly bothered by it. I've been bullied in middle school, but there was a period in highschool where I was pretty popular, among nerds atleast.

Employment of any kind is pretty much literal hell. I dissociate, I hate myself, I hold deep resentment for having to adjust to other people. I have a pathological and nonsensical need for freedom; I don't want there to be any expectations or obligations I am beholden to. It so insane that I often refuse to even say "hello" to people, just because I am aware I am expected to do that :D as a result, yeah, I am pretty unlikable. There is a fragile part of me that desires approval and stuff, but I mostly detach from it.

I am easly overwhelmed by noisy, intense enviroments.

(At the moment I am lost as to what else to add/what else is relevant.)

 

[itsgone2]

. I might as well be a walking domestic abuser hidden in an ugly nerd's body. No girl on Earth could somehow avoid all my trip wires.

Well said. I'm sorry you dealt with this. I hate having had so many trip wires. Such a shame

 

[pepperfarmer]

Autism genuinely sunk me so far down as a person I would legitimately do and say horrible shit to gain approval from the worst people you could think of as a teen at the expense of others. Now I have to live with the guilt.

I'm glad I'll die someday. Nothing makes sense and I'm tired of trying to make it make sense.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I don't think psych wards really keep people indefinitely anymore except for when they don't have much choice. You must know this already (?). It's a revolving door, people who would've been permanently institutionalized in bygone eras (with nowhere else to go) now live on the street. Just one of the harsh realities of the modern world.

 

[herbiecide]

Now that I think about I do wonder whether the label applies to me. Would you mind exhanging a concise accounts of how our internal states tend to feel like as well as what we tend to struggle with? Just to verify whether there are overlaps in our respective pathologies. If you feel uncomfortable with sharing that it's fine, no pressure, but I will do it anyway.

I've been passivelly suicidal since pretty much forever (early childhood). I am constantly anxiety ridden. I had panic attack together with mild perceptual distortions in childhood. I am above average inteligence, low consciensciousness, high neuroticism, high introversion, above average openness. In many ways I've been doing great in school (that's how I managed to enroll in a good uni) but my math skills suck. I tend to be pretty forgetfull; I benefit from having a "handler" that reminds me of stuff, while simultaneusly hating having to cooperate and being ashamed of failing to be independend. I am frequently occupied with escapist fantasies; building a cabin in the woods, writing a bestseller novel and retreating from society etc.

My social skills suck. I default to thinking on a pretty abstract level and have trouble emotionally connecting with others. I never had a girlfriend and I am not particularly bothered by it. I've been bullied in middle school, but there was a period in highschool where I was pretty popular, among nerds atleast.

Employment of any kind is pretty much literal hell. I dissociate, I hate myself, I hold deep resentment for having to adjust to other people. I have a pathological and nonsensical need for freedom; I don't want there to be any expectations or obligations I am beholden to. It so insane that I often refuse to even say "hello" to people, just because I am aware I am expected to do that :D as a result, yeah, I am pretty unlikable. There is a fragile part of me that desires approval and stuff, but I mostly detach from it.

I am easly overwhelmed by noisy, intense enviroments.

(At the moment I am lost as to what else to add/what else is relevant.)

It's different for everyone, so I'll just be safe and volunteer stuff from my own life:
- I had trouble being potty-trained as a kid, it took until 4 years old, and after that I still had trouble being willing to shower and wetting the bed for a bunch more years afterwards
- School was fine, but only because I was naturally smart, and it was low-stress. Had no friends, basically ever. Definitely not a girlfriend.
- Also forgetful, my short term memory is pretty bad a lot of the time

The need for control is the one that sticks, though. I always have to hide what I'm doing on a computer from whoever walks by, even if nobody looks at me. I hate, hate, hate being watched, whatsoever, by anyone. Any interruption, anyone timing me or judging me for whatever I do, I just can't tolerate it. There's some kind of in-built fear of being forced or even pressured to change anything. And I also barely show any emotion either, other than tons and tons of annoyance when things don't go my way.

And I'm an extremely stubborn piece of shit about it too. Once, because I didn't want to have to set food out for a cat every single day, I literally poured dish soap over that food so she couldn't set it out, which pissed my mom off to hell, but honestly I didn't care. Another time, she wanted to walk on crutches twice a day to help walk better (she's physically handicapped) and I literally let her 'fall' to the ground instead of putting a chair behind her she could sit on. Which led to her crying and saying she was ashamed of having me as a son. But you know what? I didn't give a single fuck. Her crying barely registered to me.

It makes me always, always negative, even though objectively I have a very easy life with few demands actually placed on me. Those few demands though, already push me into a meltdown. I'm not officially diagnosed with anything right now because my intelligence let me slip through the cracks, but I believe that PDA Autism makes the most sense for me. Possibly some ADHD alongside. If you had the early childhood stuff like I had, that's a huge pointer towards autism, which honestly is the main reason I think I have it.

 

[SergantWallbridge]

Somewhat recently I tried to obtain ADHD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, but getting assessed for it as an adult in my country is an expensive shitshow. There are some meds that don't require explicit assesment but help atleast some people; this monday I intend to ask for atomoxetine specifically, alongside the extension on my venlafaxine prescription.

With regards to pathological stubborness/intense need for privacy, I recognize myself in your descriptions but I actually think I mellowed out a bit in the recent years (and I think it reflects in the improved relationship with my immediate family). It seems that I am a bit more neurotic/anxious than you though? I always suspected myself to have avoidant personality disorder. Hmm.

 

[herbiecide]

Somewhat recently I tried to obtain ADHD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, but getting assessed for it as an adult in my country is an expensive shitshow. There are some meds that don't require explicit assesment but help atleast some people; this monday I intend to ask for atomoxetine specifically, alongside the extension on my venlafaxine prescription.

With regards to pathological stubborness/intense need for privacy, I recognize myself in your descriptions but I actually think I mellowed out a bit in the recent years (and I think it reflects in the improved relationship with my immediate family). It seems that I am a bit more neurotic/anxious than you though? I always suspected myself to have avoidant personality disorder. Hmm.

Me having to live with my parents (especially my mom) might make it worse on the family front. My mom is missing a few screws, I'll say, and it's incredibly annoying for that lower intelligence to manifest for me. It's a constant assault of having to pick up for her and that definitely contributes. On the other hand my dad asks nothing of me, but he also has an aide to do a lot of the grunt work for him, and he's essentially chairbound. I still end up being short with him despite that.

I'm in the USA so honestly I have no idea, if I were to get diagnosed, what medicines I could even get or how I would pay for anything. It's not the best on the healthcare front, especially mental healthcare. I think a lot of my bad behaviors come from having a neglectful childhood. Never physical abuse, but my dad was away trucking, and after that since he'd been a manual labor guy for years, couldn't do anything, my mom was handicapped from birth and could barely leave the house...

Combine that with the autism shattering any real chance of making true friends, and yeah it's probably no surprise I grow up alone, bitter, spiteful at the world, on and on and on... probably something so deep in it'll never go away at this point.

 

[cowlover1252]

I would never wish this disease on anybody. I wish that I could be normal. I wish that I could have relationships and actual friends, which is something I've NEVER had all the way up through school. But it'll never happen. The only life for me is a life completely alone, driftng in a toxic void, watching other people have all the things I never will.

This disease has turned me into a closed-off, spiteful, utterly apathetic shell of a human being. I think about violence a lot. Almost every day, every time I see someone doing something I find immoral or asking something of me I don't want to do, the thoughts come in to beat their face to a pulp (although I'm not strong enough to ever do it). If there was a button or the Death Note around, there would be a literal trail of bodies everywhere I went. My mom would be dead 1000x over, my dad a few dozen times over.

Of course, as you can imagine, I've never had a girlfriend. Never had a true friend, not helped by the fact that due to my mom and dad being unable to drive, meaning that any chance to jive with anyone outside of school was completely impossible anyway. Not that I deserve one anyway, due to my mental state. I might as well be a walking domestic abuser hidden in an ugly nerd's body. No girl on Earth could somehow avoid all my trip wires.

You know the funny thing, though? My autism has my brain twisted in so many knots that I am, just barely, happy. Treading water with my copes of internet, learning, and some porn on the side to satisfy my testosterone whining at me. If I didn't have the internet, I would've certainly killed myself before age 20. (better for the rest of the world to be honest)

I'm 25 now.
60+ more years of mental hell to go.

As soon as my dad dies and NEETing is no longer viable, I'll probably commit myself to the psych ward. I'm too chickenshit to rope or jump off a building or SN or whatever else, and having to actually go to work and deal with the demands of life would probably drive me into total psychosis. I actually did ""work"" once, for literally two days a month, at a place where all I did was clean things completely alone. The literal easiest, least demanding job imaginable, and I was already crying and feeling that tension all the way through my body. I was already wanting to kill people.

My few good things in life will all fall away, and I'll be locked in some form of cage with not a single crumb of happiness for the rest of my days. I deserve this. I should've never been born.

If I weren't autistic I don't think I'd be on this site right now. It really is torture.