Passive suicidality is torture

[burninghill]

Every day I want to smash my head in and rip my hair out.

Why can't I be suicidal enough to actually do it? I'm living a life where every single day I'm looking for something to push me over the edge. Trust me, if I could do it now then I would. I have tried.

I've never described my life as torture but it's starting to feel that way, I wish I died back in November when I really wanted to. If God loves me then he will kill me and end all of this. I wasn't built for being alive.

 

[CatLvr]

I know exactly how you feel. It is in the back of my mind CONSTANTLY but I can't go now. (Long story I've told before.) If only my one if my serious attempts had worked. But now I'm just kinda stuck for now.

 

[Sammyweevil]

It's awful yeah...
Im way too scared to actually go through with it most of the time, and I spend so much time trying to find a plan that I won't some how fuck up, and I just spend every moment wishing I didn't exist it sucks...

I hope everything goes ok for you.

 

[guiltyparty]

it's very difficult to want something so bad but to feel stuck and powerless in a sense to achieving it.

 

[Defenestration]

Every day I want to smash my head in and rip my hair out.

Why can't I be suicidal enough to actually do it? I'm living a life where every single day I'm looking for something to push me over the edge. Trust me, if I could do it now then I would. I have tried.

I've never described my life as torture but it's starting to feel that way, I wish I died back in November when I really wanted to. If God loves me then he will kill me and end all of this. I wasn't built for being alive.

Yes i know this feeling
Horrible

 

[Ben 111]

Every day I want to smash my head in and rip my hair out.

Why can't I be suicidal enough to actually do it? I'm living a life where every single day I'm looking for something to push me over the edge. Trust me, if I could do it now then I would. I have tried.

I've never described my life as torture but it's starting to feel that way, I wish I died back in November when I really wanted to. If God loves me then he will kill me and end all of this. I wasn't built for being alive.

I'm sorry you feel this way...it reaches a point where sleep is actually becoming just a tease..waking up and just thinking 2 end it all

 

[mirrorlize]

Feel you bro. It sucks.
If I meet a shooter on the street, I would run into him.

 

[burninghill]

Feel you bro. It sucks.
If I meet a shooter on the street, I would run into him.

Genuinely

 

[IQLESS]

yeah, literal flesh prison. I'm just trying by putting the noose around my neck each night and going further and further with my partial hanging until i have the courage to drop. excited for today's attempt, maybe I don't have to go to work tomorrow lol

 

[Z0002]

Yeah I'm thinking about ending it all for 13 years already and my life is horrible, I hope I'll finally be able mentally to ctb

 

[needtofindrightway]

no I get it. It's a half a life I'm living. Not wanting to live, not being able to actually kill mysel. Being in this state of hell, of purgatory is pure torture and I lived almost the last ten years like this.

 

[itsgone2]

I've never described my life as torture but it's starting to feel that way, I wish I died back in November when I really wanted to. If God loves me then he will kill me and end all of this. I wasn't built for being alive.

I wasn't built for it either, and I also wish God would intervene. It's torture for me for certain. Wish it was over with already. Tired of constantly thinking about it

 

[daemos]

Same thing for me, fucked up sleep, smoking, excessive nicotine usage (near the LD50 daily), same goes for caffeine (gram a day is not that uncommon for me), but then again, I may or may not have issues with AD(H)D, trouble focussing and concentrating on stuff. I'm just waiting until I can get my hands on some stronger stuff to do it for me, as the psych diagnostics at age 18-19 is quite difficult here. I'm currently holding out hope for some form of dopamine meds, be that (ar)modafinil, bromantane, racetams, cyclazodone as it's truly fucked up how I can't get my hands on shit like vyvanse or ritalin. It's like I genuinely don't care for my life at all right now.

 

[shaggy_doo]

Every day I want to smash my head in and rip my hair out.

Why can't I be suicidal enough to actually do it? I'm living a life where every single day I'm looking for something to push me over the edge. Trust me, if I could do it now then I would. I have tried.

I've never described my life as torture but it's starting to feel that way, I wish I died back in November when I really wanted to. If God loves me then he will kill me and end all of this. I wasn't built for being alive.

I understand the way i live no purpose just waiting to go getting more sick no purpose only pain everyday waiting to die and im such a pussy to end it