On the verge of CTB

[LenkaX]

So yesterday I performed carefully a purity test of my SN. It showed that it is indeed pure. I was even feeling very good while I was doing the test. I thought that the next day, which should have been today, I would CTB in the morning thanks to the long night fasting.

But I didn't do it and now I feel like a crap.

Tomorrow morning is my last chance. Just waking up, taking meto + tagamet, waiting 40 minutes and then drinking the SN.

If I don't do it tomorrow then my life will be even a worse hell because my mother will return from a journey together with her boyfriend and she wants to throw me away from her apartment. She already found a flat for me, but I don't have money to live like that because I'm a poor NEET, taking only a low invalidity pension for my schizoaffective disorder. She doesn't want to hear this, she just want me away from her flat.

I feel like crap now. My head hurts from the 20 years of depression and despair. I know that I must do it tomorrow morning, but the survival instinct is kicking me from the other side. Why did my mother bring me to this world? Perhaps only for the reason that se can laugh about my downfall and that I will soon end like homeless probably. I hate this bad fake mother. I hate her so much!!! Tomorrow I must do it. I must CTB no matter what!!! It's over.

 

[logan]

I can understand you well and what your mother wants to do is not okay.

But please don't take your life because of it!

 

[LostSoul1609]

I think hope is always there if you want to seize it. Change can be terrifying at times, I've been there, but is also what shapes you future self. Try to think about even the uncomfortable possibilities before you do anything that is permanent. In case you don't rethink I wish you to be lifted from your suffering <3

 

[motel rooms]

I think hope is always there if you want to seize it.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very cruel, and there is only so much we can cope with until we reach our limit. If this is the option you want then I wish you peace.

 

[LenkaX]

I think I will wait... I will move to the """new""" flat (it's a hovel, really) and I will rot there. I need to feel on myself how expensive it will be for me. I think I will barely have money left for food. I need to experience this all in order to be really existentially desperate. To be truly at the deepest bottom. Then I will CTB.

 

[logan]

I think it's good that you try it.
Sometimes positive things come up that you wouldn't have thought possible.