on passive suicidal ideation

[405taker]

I think the hardest part of trying to get better has been combating the passive suicidal ideation, especially since all my life I've almost used it as a refuge from the past, present, and future.
I want to stay alive. I have things I am looking forward to. People I love. The world is an infinitely beautiful place and I am so lucky and privileged that I get to experience it. All that crap.
But every time I am confronted by any slight inconvenience, it's the first thought on my mind. I sometimes ruminate on quite insignificant yet negative memories and my reaction to them is to say that I am going to kms. It gets to a point, yk?
I'm really writing this because I want to see if anyone has this hacked? talk therapy isn't my thing but I am medicated. any tips or tricks? Idk. I wonder if it'll get better. probably. everything does get better eventually.

 

[MessyNonsense]

How long has the suicidal ideation been passive? In other words, since you stopped actually wanting to kys, for how long have you been going to those thoughts anyway?

 

[405taker]

How long has the suicidal ideation been passive? In other words, since you stopped actually wanting to kys, for how long have you been going to those thoughts anyway?

They've been passive since my last attempt in '23. I've always had them but they vary in frequency and intensity I'd say. more frequent recently due to some free time allowing me to ruminate and overthink. it's super fun!

 

[MessyNonsense]

Oh man i feel you about the rumination and overthinking, definitely the most fun lol. The reason i asked is, could it be possible that your brain just like, learned to go there when bad stuff happens? I mean you know what they say about neural pathways forming and stuff. There's even a saying i've heard people use: "neurons that fire together wire together". In other words it's possible that even though *you* know you no longer want to kys, your actual neurons essentially don't know that, hence the thoughts inadvertently coming in whenever the slightest inconvenience comes up

 

[405taker]

Oh man i feel you about the rumination and overthinking, definitely the most fun lol. The reason i asked is, could it be possible that your brain just like, learned to go there when bad stuff happens? I mean you know what they say about neural pathways forming and stuff. There's even a saying i've heard people use: "neurons that fire together wire together". In other words it's possible that even though *you* know you no longer want to kys, your actual neurons essentially don't know that, hence the thoughts inadvertently coming in whenever the slightest inconvenience comes up

Oh definitely using it as an escape. I have been using "i am going to kms / i should kms" as a vocal stim to abruptly stop ruminating because it's very good at taking me somewhere else. The neuron pathway thing makes sense, it feels almost like an escape because it's a safe familiar thought.

 

[never mind me]

This sounds familiar, I can relate. I had chronic suicidality from 17 till 20 with varying degrees of intensity, because of intense self-hatred that stemmed from growing up with an abusive father. Then I got better and was actually happy for months at a stretch but still had periods with intense suicidal ideation in my early 20s when I started processing the trauma I had experienced. Eventually I healed and somewhere between my early and mid 20s I got to a point of actually enjoying life and being grateful for being alive. I certainly didn't want to kill myself anymore. Still every time I faced a somewhat difficult situation (even if it was solvable) I had thoughts about killing myself. And depending on the severity of the situation I couldn't be bothered to actually deal with the situation unless I was sure I had a method for ctb and realized I didn't actually want to go through with it. Only then could I be bothered to solve the problem at hand, because at least I knew I was alive by choice and not by lack of a way out. To be honest I haven't ever seen it as a problem. I think that I just got used to think about ctb whenever in a bad situation, it's simply a habit I established. But I don't see any harm in it.
Is there a reason why you consider it harmful for yourself? You wrote that it stops you ruminating about stuff, so it sounds like it is a coping mechanism. So I don't really understand why you want to fight your suicidal ideation? Maybe it's easier to simply accept it as a way you sometimes think and focus your energy on more important things.

 

[HaibaneRakka]

Feel it long enough it becomes a part of who you are thats how I feel atleast like every story needs a end and mines already been written