My recovery journal

[Cloud Busting]

As many of you know, I was once pinkribbonscars.

My story is a sad one. As you would expect from someone here. And I was tired. Tired of existing and not being able to live.

I tried to hold on and everything kept getting worse. I couldn't function at all. I was ashamed. I was angry at the world, at systemic oppression, and I wanted my death to be heroic, a battle cry to help people like me abandoned and in need.

Now I just can't project that kinda pain and trauma onto the world anymore. Yet I can't live like this. I have three choices:

1. Be an addict
2. CTB
3. Recover

Not everyone has the privilege to recover. I understand to have the social supports I have, I am lucky and it makes it doable for me. Not everyone can be like me. It's also so hard. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. It's tiring. It's why social supports help, and once again, if you lack that, don't feel bad, and I don't blame you for anything you do. I am not better than you. You are you, and I am me.

I just know how much my story impacted people. I don't want a stained legacy. I don't want to think about that time with pain. I want to move on.

I'm healing. I'm lucky. If you want to heal, you can join me. Ask me anything.

Leaving the sanctuary. It's not conducive to my recovery. But my past actions are killing me.

I want to make it right.to everyone and everything.


Especially to myself.

 

[timf]

It can be difficult to summon the resolve to turn things around. However, in addition to resolve, it can be helpful to experiment with different things to see if one can discover a particular activity or approach that works better than another. The discovery of things that work can help sustain and build momentum towards recovery.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Hystearical

Just tagging you so you can know where I'm at and what I'm up to today. Hope you're well.

Hard day today. It hurts to admit I'm experiencing trauma, yet protecting myself from deep pain with dissociation and numbing, or lashing out, is not helping. Idk. Imma go. Life be shit. But imma get thru.

PTSD sucks no wonder I was in denial for so long I'm not even angry at myself anymore I'm happy I'm doing anything at all

@_AllCatsAreGrey_

Hello, wonder if you could relate. Anyone I tag is not obliged to respond. I will not take it personally if you don't. Just my way of checking in and saying hi <3

 

[RawRX3]

I relate to that a lot about the wanting to do something meaningful before things happen, especially for those that hadn't had the support and care they should've had

I hope you continue to progress and find your self more alive the next day than the one before <3

Thank you for sharing, it's always nice to hear good things too! ^^

 

[Cloud Busting]

I relate to that a lot about the wanting to do something meaningful before things happen, especially for those that hadn't had the support and care they should've had

I hope you continue to progress and find your self more alive the next day than the one before <3

Thank you for sharing, it's always nice to hear good things too! ^^

Be careful with that. It can become a savior complex where you need to save others in order to be worthy. For me it was a way to avoid my own problems, but really only you can save yourself. And the less you suffer, the less others suffer. It's hard not to get wrapped up in other's problems, or to feel like you're alienating them if you can't help. I try to now validate people's struggling and needs while being honest about my own limitations and needs.

Being vulnerable is horrifying, and impossible to do alone. It's a risk to be vulnerable, it will hurt you. However it hurts even more to remain silent and in hiding. I'm glad I am surrounded around amazing people. I'd continue to self destruct if I wasn't. I'm lucky

It's up and down. Sometimes I feel alive and excited to live, a lust for life. Other times I feel like I'm dead inside and can't go through this anymore. It's hard. Recovery fucking sucks ass lol.

Music is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Great discovery:




"You have to want it and see it so clearly, so when your heart breaks, you have what it takes to push on and get through the pain when you're weary."

It's not about things going good, but knowing you can find strength if you want it and don't have it inside yourself. You can push through and succeed even when it hurts.

 

[RawRX3]

Be careful with that. It can become a savior complex where you need to save others in order to be worthy. For me it was a way to avoid my own problems, but really only you can save yourself. And the less you suffer, the less others suffer. It's hard not to get wrapped up in other's problems, or to feel like you're alienating them if you can't help. I try to now validate people's struggling and needs while being honest about my own limitations and needs.

Being vulnerable is horrifying, and impossible to do alone. It's a risk to be vulnerable, it will hurt you. However it hurts even more to remain silent and in hiding. I'm glad I am surrounded around amazing people. I'd continue to self destruct if I wasn't. I'm lucky

It's up and down. Sometimes I feel alive and excited to live, a lust for life. Other times I feel like I'm dead inside and can't go through this anymore. It's hard. Recovery fucking sucks ass lol.

Music is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Great discovery:




"You have to want it and see it so clearly, so when your heart breaks, you have what it takes to push on and get through the pain when you're weary."

It's not about things going good, but knowing you can find strength if you want it and don't have it inside yourself. You can push through and succeed even when it hurts.

I don't feel guilty for not saving people, but I also can't stand watching so many people suffer. I definitely self sacrifice in a lot of ways for it and I totally agree it's often one way I avoid my own problems, I even do it more when I think there's no hope for me to make it out because if things go south enough one day I want to have tried my best to help others escape that feeling even if I couldn't.

I'd probably say rather than a savior complex I have a martyrdom complex XD

I hope I can follow your advice more though, it def applies fully <3 And I waited a long time for someone to notice I was drowning and no one ever did. I'm the only one that can save me, whether I can do it or not is hard to tell but I know I have to make the choice, no one else can or will for me. ^^

Thank you for sharing to help me <3 <3

 

[Cloud Busting]

I hate therapy. Holy fuck. I absolutely hate it. To me it's brutal, a sad reflection of our society, a necessary evil that should just be a basic right… but is not sadly.

I'm sorry but all it is is developing a relationship with someone who provides you healthy and supportive boundaries, someone who listens (if you get a good one… many prefer to dole out advice, opinions, and homework ) They help you build up enough trust and confidence and clarity and insight and educate you on options you were perhaps unaware of. Then you can use these basic needs the therapist gave you that you sadly lacked in real life to be independent and help yourself.


Why are they treated like messiahs. If we praise therapists more than clients themselves, there's a problem. Ppl literally worship them like powerful almighty beings for sure, and some sure see themselves that way. Knew teachers who were like that too. I don't want to be treated like a weakling needed a high quality expert to show me the way. I hate being controlled, I dislike the power imbalances of the mental health field, don't even get me started.

And guess what? I'm venting to deflect from the problem. I yelled at my therapist and hung up on her within 5 minutes. Therapy is horrible. It's made me unlock memories I forgot about and I lashed out instead of being honest I was scared. I feel guilty. Like i don't deserve her. I am scared to write her an email. I'm embarrassed

 

[RawRX3]

I know it feels embarrassing but it's an honestly pretty understandable reaction when you're working through high emotion and potentially traumatic things. I don't think you should feel shame or guilt and your therapist is equipped to understand and handle this kind of thing, it happens <3

It'll be okay, promise! Support and care <3 <3