Venting Sleeping all day

[cry.lily]

I was in a relationship with a guy I really liked for about 5 months. He broke up with me and his reason is that I killed his feelings for me by refusing to get out of bed. I am really struggling with guilt and regret for not trying harder to change while we were together. Last time we talked, which was about a week and a half ago, he told me that he is hung up on another woman that he has known for years. That left me feeling like he was thinking about someone else the whole time we were together, regardless of the fact that he wasn't talking to her while we were in a relationship. I want to reach out to him, tell him that I miss him and I'm sorry for not being better for him. I have recently self diagnosed myself with BPD. One minute I feel like I'm going to be okay and I'm ready to start focusing on myself, and the next minute I feel a wave of despair and sadness that just engulfs me. I can't stop thinking about him. I did absolutely nothing today except for sleep. I haven't left the house once. I have no friends, and instead of being alone after my ex left me, I've been staying with my other ex that I don't even want to be with, I just feel like I can't be alone. I want to start working out again so that I can at least feel like I accomplish something positive throughout my day, but I hate myself and my body so much I just struggle to leave the house. I think I sleep so much because I don't have to deal with my thoughts while I'm asleep. It's like an addiction. But now I'll be up all night spiraling. Hopefully I can distract myself. At first I thought my ex was the shitty person for leaving me and telling me he wants someone else that he knew before he even met me. He got me a promise ring and love bombed me very quickly into the relationship. But I stupidly believed him and believed he would put up with me sleeping so much and being depressed. I just need to try to change. I'm 29 and feel like I'm too old to still be struggling like this. I have things and people to live for, yet I think about wanting to die every day. I need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist, but talking about myself and my feelings/experiences is very hard for me. God, I'm just full of excuses. This is just a rant and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to read this.