So I have close to zero responsibilities. Because I am a mental wreck that is overwhelmed by everything. I still have some savings.
Theoretically I could go travelling (I think with my mental health this isn't a good plan. It costs so much money and I needed emergency medication all the time. And my brain is way too sensitive when it comes to time zones.) , I could go to the cinema (the people in my self-help group talked about it. I don't get the appeal I prefer streaming in my home, way less extreme stimulation,, I could go to a sex worker (maybe too many ethical concerns with that...and I would like to be honest with a potential significant other, and well many women would have a problem with that.)
I could go to a restaurant and eat something really delicious (too expensive, I prefer my regualr reptitive food I am autistic and I like my routines, too many calories I count them).
You know I could extend this list for a long time. But I end up every single evening on a pro-choice suicide forum (that is despised by the rest of the internet) to share how much I hate my life, how much I am suffering and that suicide is inevitable. You know people say suicide isn't rational. And they say being on this forum isn't good for you. For some people this might be true. Though, as long as I consider some rules being on here is like an escape for me. A place where the social norms don't apply.
I noticed I postpone reading a book recently. I am not sure if the book isn't catching me. Or if chatbots destroyed my attenstion span. Theoretically I could try so much. One might has to add my mental health disaster makes it impossible to enjoy these activities. But there is also a part of me that doesn't like the activities most other people enjoy. I think this has to do how I was socialized. I have an autistic friend that loves travelling. (which is really expensive). Maybe if this became my habit and routine maybe I would find joy in that. But realitstically I don't even want to try to enjoy this because I know it is unsustainable without a job.
I like listening to my emo rap And the rappers talk about how much they hate their lives, they talk about the abuse they have been through and so on.
I have clear routines. In the morning watching Secular Talk on Youtube. I did this now for years but I want to change that habit. It is informative but also really sensationalistic. It gives me good ideas which stories to share on here. But actually I would like to consume politics with higher standards. But maybe this is a problem in itself. I started to read really sophisticated essays in a journal. They are very complex. And maybe they make me envious that I never will reach such a level. And then I hate myself for not understanding the essays in-depth. But the essays are wirtten by researchers with a high reputation who dedicate many years to do research on such topics and writing in general. Maybe it is not healthy to compare myself with them. And I am pretty exhausted when a listen to a 40 minutes long essay with very high complexitiy. It takes a lot of energy. Then I watch German news shows on higher speed. Then i read up to 30 articles from 4-5 different German newspapers. I came to the conclusion I have to reduce this number. In the past it was like 30 articles per day. Currently it is more like 15-20. Then after I listened to the news articles I read more sophisticated articles. But honestly recently I am so overwhelmed by my psyche that I waste a lot of time venting on here. I have the feeling all of this is totally worthless. Or the wrong approach. But going to college was a living hell. It made me almost kill myself. I feel uncomfortable to leave my routines. And actually I feel worse when I leave them. But doing this for the rest of my life. I don't know.
I told my friends I really crave death. Not having to worry anymore. It is so exhaustive. Bro I wouldn't know what to do if SaSu was down forever. I already lost my ability to open up towards therapists. I think it is not good for my health not verbalizing my inner tensions. I don't realize how bad my mental state is. The only thing I can do is take more emergency medication. Which will fuck me up in the longrun.
I considered to write to my psychiatrist in order to ask her for help. I think wearing that night guard is screwing my sleep and thus my current mental state. I really really really hate the dillema either to sacrifice my teeth or mental health. Compromises also don't work. And I become increasinlgy worse. And the AI feedback doesn't make a huge difference.
I started to ramble but I am really desperate. I thought I eventually found a way how to sleep better. But this night guard totally fucks it up. I was free of these addictive pills for such a long time. I was really proud and now I am so desperate.
I notice I am overwhelmed with this dilemma. In such situations I only freeze. I hate being a burden to my psychiatrist or to my way too attractive dentist. I hate that I overthink so much about her. That's unhealthy. I think only they can save me. I hate having to go there again. But personally I see this path is going downwards pretty fast. Going to the dentist again will make me so fucking uncomfortable. And I might have to open up I have bipolar disorder. I only talked about sleeping disorders. It is true I never tried sleeping with the night guard. Because I knew my sleep is way too sensitive. Now I am trying it for like a month and I am on the road to y hypomanic episode.
Theoretically I could go travelling (I think with my mental health this isn't a good plan. It costs so much money and I needed emergency medication all the time. And my brain is way too sensitive when it comes to time zones.) , I could go to the cinema (the people in my self-help group talked about it. I don't get the appeal I prefer streaming in my home, way less extreme stimulation,, I could go to a sex worker (maybe too many ethical concerns with that...and I would like to be honest with a potential significant other, and well many women would have a problem with that.)
I could go to a restaurant and eat something really delicious (too expensive, I prefer my regualr reptitive food I am autistic and I like my routines, too many calories I count them).
You know I could extend this list for a long time. But I end up every single evening on a pro-choice suicide forum (that is despised by the rest of the internet) to share how much I hate my life, how much I am suffering and that suicide is inevitable. You know people say suicide isn't rational. And they say being on this forum isn't good for you. For some people this might be true. Though, as long as I consider some rules being on here is like an escape for me. A place where the social norms don't apply.
I noticed I postpone reading a book recently. I am not sure if the book isn't catching me. Or if chatbots destroyed my attenstion span. Theoretically I could try so much. One might has to add my mental health disaster makes it impossible to enjoy these activities. But there is also a part of me that doesn't like the activities most other people enjoy. I think this has to do how I was socialized. I have an autistic friend that loves travelling. (which is really expensive). Maybe if this became my habit and routine maybe I would find joy in that. But realitstically I don't even want to try to enjoy this because I know it is unsustainable without a job.
I like listening to my emo rap And the rappers talk about how much they hate their lives, they talk about the abuse they have been through and so on.
I have clear routines. In the morning watching Secular Talk on Youtube. I did this now for years but I want to change that habit. It is informative but also really sensationalistic. It gives me good ideas which stories to share on here. But actually I would like to consume politics with higher standards. But maybe this is a problem in itself. I started to read really sophisticated essays in a journal. They are very complex. And maybe they make me envious that I never will reach such a level. And then I hate myself for not understanding the essays in-depth. But the essays are wirtten by researchers with a high reputation who dedicate many years to do research on such topics and writing in general. Maybe it is not healthy to compare myself with them. And I am pretty exhausted when a listen to a 40 minutes long essay with very high complexitiy. It takes a lot of energy. Then I watch German news shows on higher speed. Then i read up to 30 articles from 4-5 different German newspapers. I came to the conclusion I have to reduce this number. In the past it was like 30 articles per day. Currently it is more like 15-20. Then after I listened to the news articles I read more sophisticated articles. But honestly recently I am so overwhelmed by my psyche that I waste a lot of time venting on here. I have the feeling all of this is totally worthless. Or the wrong approach. But going to college was a living hell. It made me almost kill myself. I feel uncomfortable to leave my routines. And actually I feel worse when I leave them. But doing this for the rest of my life. I don't know.
I told my friends I really crave death. Not having to worry anymore. It is so exhaustive. Bro I wouldn't know what to do if SaSu was down forever. I already lost my ability to open up towards therapists. I think it is not good for my health not verbalizing my inner tensions. I don't realize how bad my mental state is. The only thing I can do is take more emergency medication. Which will fuck me up in the longrun.
I considered to write to my psychiatrist in order to ask her for help. I think wearing that night guard is screwing my sleep and thus my current mental state. I really really really hate the dillema either to sacrifice my teeth or mental health. Compromises also don't work. And I become increasinlgy worse. And the AI feedback doesn't make a huge difference.
I started to ramble but I am really desperate. I thought I eventually found a way how to sleep better. But this night guard totally fucks it up. I was free of these addictive pills for such a long time. I was really proud and now I am so desperate.
I notice I am overwhelmed with this dilemma. In such situations I only freeze. I hate being a burden to my psychiatrist or to my way too attractive dentist. I hate that I overthink so much about her. That's unhealthy. I think only they can save me. I hate having to go there again. But personally I see this path is going downwards pretty fast. Going to the dentist again will make me so fucking uncomfortable. And I might have to open up I have bipolar disorder. I only talked about sleeping disorders. It is true I never tried sleeping with the night guard. Because I knew my sleep is way too sensitive. Now I am trying it for like a month and I am on the road to y hypomanic episode.
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