Thank God for that. I tried to show her my love before her death. But honestly I would have died a thousand deaths. My relatives younger than me talking about their career goals and bringing their partners with them. I actually don't know how my relatives look today. Seemingly one of them saw me quite often at my former university but I never saw them. I am not sure how much they know about the mental abyss I am in.
I talked with my mom and she told me I don't have to go to the funeral when it makes me this uncomfortable. Honestly, I never want to see these people in my life again. Theoretically I would agree that I don't care what happens with me after my death. Though, I would like to exclude my family from funeral except my parents. I think they will be talking so much shit how selfish I was for doing that to my parents and my friends had to listen to that.
Maybe I will hate myself for not attending the funeral. Maybe I will have nightmares. But that's not guaranteed. Whereas the last funeral made so fucking uncomfortable. Crawling in my skin. I think funerals are overrated.
I talked with my mom and she told me I don't have to go to the funeral when it makes me this uncomfortable. Honestly, I never want to see these people in my life again. Theoretically I would agree that I don't care what happens with me after my death. Though, I would like to exclude my family from funeral except my parents. I think they will be talking so much shit how selfish I was for doing that to my parents and my friends had to listen to that.
Maybe I will hate myself for not attending the funeral. Maybe I will have nightmares. But that's not guaranteed. Whereas the last funeral made so fucking uncomfortable. Crawling in my skin. I think funerals are overrated.
