PsychedeliaSuicide
Suiciding to get isekai'd to the 60s
- Jun 29, 2026
- 19
OMFG A benevolent God would NEVER-EVER make OCD or OCPD!!! I know I have OCD, the intrusive thoughts fuck me every day, but I've never been sure of I had a co-morbidity of OCPD. Honestly for the longest time, I kept telling myself I can't have it because that's "too many" mental disorders for one person to have, and that I was just seeking attention. I just didn't let myself have it because I wasn't allowed in my head. Maybe I genuinely don't have it but I decided to relook at the symptoms and it sounds just like me. I have such bad perfectionism that I can't do tasks, since they aren't perfect enough, and that stresses me out, so I can't finish. I look at everyone's beautiful art and see their mistakes; I used to watch Bob Ross and see his "happy accidents", and it makes me cry because I WISH I could have that mentality. I have been straight up telling my friends I am a person who is just incapable of having fun, because I am bound to the rigidity of perfectionism. My friend kept trying to tell me the secret of art is to accept your mistakes to improve but my BRAIN just cannot understand that insanely obvious advice. She kept saying why do mistakes matter? And I can't answer her because it just sounds so obvious to me, of course they do, but rationally, do they? Yet, I can't let it go. It's been this way since I was a child. Anything "FUN" I immediately rule over, like a tyrant, and strip it out of it's enjoyability quickly when I structure it.
Yet the cycle of perfectionism not letting me complete things makes me feel imperfect, and it drives me insane. When I do anything that can involve perfectionism, I have been starting to get headaches and avoidance issues, because I just can't do it anymore. Not to mention the whole "can't delegate tasks to others" is SO ME. I have to do everything myself, and if I feel like someone else is trying to do it too or help me, I feel out of control and I can't take it. Everything has to be done by my hands or it's not right. Not even just right, it just has to be ME for some reason. I can't half-ass anything I have to do it with complete details or else it's Wrong Wrong Wrong, even if it's the tiniest thing, even when others just don't care and they can function like a regular person and not fixate on everything so they can actually complete things. I prioritize things over my friends, which is probably why I feel disconnected from them. I've gotten better with this but I just realize that mentality.
Not to mention I have ADHD, which OMFG. I can't focus so everything gets to take even Longer, and I'm a Mess, my brain will retaliate from the order I try to impose on myself but then I will retaliate if there's not enough order and how the fuck am I supposed to recover when it's a trap either way. Genuinely last time I managed to get my dopamine to an appropriate level to focus I was an insane workaholic. I didn't even fucking realize, since that term just sounds so serious for me. I literally feel mentally tortured by myself and I'm so fucking exhausted by my mentality.
Though, it triggers a lot of anxiety in me, which I understand OCPD isn't really about anxiety. I have panic attacks and I started crying over something that triggered my perfectionism. Prozac makes me numb and doesn't help, Zoloft the same. I was experimenting with some Gabapentin (not prescribed), 300mg, and that made me feel so good. I was intending to see how it would affect my ADHD (since I saw this was an unusual way, and just decided to give it a shot), though it only helped a little; I could draw but I couldn't read De Anima without zoning out blankly, and eventually I blacked out in my bed from how good I felt. For my anxiety I never felt so relaxed... yet of course for the past two days during anxiety attacks I tried to take it and it magically stopped working. I don't even understand how since I was taking 3x less then the daily dose, and I only have taken four. So maybe since OCPD isn't about anxiety this isn't it, but whatever it is... God I want to kill myself so bad. I can't take this anymore.
Yet the cycle of perfectionism not letting me complete things makes me feel imperfect, and it drives me insane. When I do anything that can involve perfectionism, I have been starting to get headaches and avoidance issues, because I just can't do it anymore. Not to mention the whole "can't delegate tasks to others" is SO ME. I have to do everything myself, and if I feel like someone else is trying to do it too or help me, I feel out of control and I can't take it. Everything has to be done by my hands or it's not right. Not even just right, it just has to be ME for some reason. I can't half-ass anything I have to do it with complete details or else it's Wrong Wrong Wrong, even if it's the tiniest thing, even when others just don't care and they can function like a regular person and not fixate on everything so they can actually complete things. I prioritize things over my friends, which is probably why I feel disconnected from them. I've gotten better with this but I just realize that mentality.
Not to mention I have ADHD, which OMFG. I can't focus so everything gets to take even Longer, and I'm a Mess, my brain will retaliate from the order I try to impose on myself but then I will retaliate if there's not enough order and how the fuck am I supposed to recover when it's a trap either way. Genuinely last time I managed to get my dopamine to an appropriate level to focus I was an insane workaholic. I didn't even fucking realize, since that term just sounds so serious for me. I literally feel mentally tortured by myself and I'm so fucking exhausted by my mentality.
Though, it triggers a lot of anxiety in me, which I understand OCPD isn't really about anxiety. I have panic attacks and I started crying over something that triggered my perfectionism. Prozac makes me numb and doesn't help, Zoloft the same. I was experimenting with some Gabapentin (not prescribed), 300mg, and that made me feel so good. I was intending to see how it would affect my ADHD (since I saw this was an unusual way, and just decided to give it a shot), though it only helped a little; I could draw but I couldn't read De Anima without zoning out blankly, and eventually I blacked out in my bed from how good I felt. For my anxiety I never felt so relaxed... yet of course for the past two days during anxiety attacks I tried to take it and it magically stopped working. I don't even understand how since I was taking 3x less then the daily dose, and I only have taken four. So maybe since OCPD isn't about anxiety this isn't it, but whatever it is... God I want to kill myself so bad. I can't take this anymore.
