Venting insomnia since suicide date is near unless i postpone again

[eggsausagerice]

i'm going to watch some movies in the theater next week, then i don't have any real plan and can do my sn protocol once i've settled everything between friends. i'll never have everything ready and i won't be able to sell everything i own as intended to avoid having nothing in my room if i survive my attempt and have to do it a second time if something fails or i get caught by someone.

is anyone else dealing with this, or do they actually feel calm? i've just been thinking about it in the back of my mind and it makes me more and more restless, since any time i feel like i'm torn between how hopeless my life feels and how i have to act like everything's fine so i'm not 51/50ed by anyone i know. it fucking sucks. i don't even get have a way to destress so i just lay comatose on my phone because i'm freaked out all the time. i'm always freaked out, so i zone out, so i'm not able to focus on anything otherwise i feel anxious about what's been stressing me out.

i'm also just worried about being replaceable because i've been spending more time with my friends to show them i liked them before i killed myself. but i know worrying about people that will forget about me in a few years and my situationships that left me for other people won't make me feel better. if i just think about being left behind and how much fun they'll have with the people they replace me with, i'll just feel worse about myself. i don't have any dreams or aspirations. i'm 21, i live in a suburb that makes me miserable, and i have no future because i have no money, talent, or smarts that would lead to me being successful. i can't drive and i'm too miserable and anxious to go back to college. people still look at me and think i'm a kid even though i'm 21 now, but high schoolers think i'm old enough to be called ma'am now. what i want the most is to not be anxious about what might happen in the future anymore, but i only feel like that if i'm on sleeping medication or drunk. i always have a look on my face that reads as afraid or nervous someone's going to yell at me. i don't want to stay here.

 

[Pluto]

 

[never mind me]

I think I could never feel calm, if I plan ctb so far in advance. It would be super stressful. At the most I would pick a date that is just like the next day or the day after and just do it. Everything else would be way too stressful. Why would I wish to have so much time to secondguess my decision? And if I really want to die why would I not try to do it asap?

 

[eggsausagerice]

I think I could never feel calm, if I plan ctb so far in advance. It would be super stressful. At the most I would pick a date that is just like the next day or the day after and just do it. Everything else would be way too stressful. Why would I wish to have so much time to secondguess my decision? And if I really want to die why would I not try to do it asap?

my method (sn) is something you need to prep for even if the shortest time is one day to fast and take antiemetics in advance. i also think it's natural for people to set a date in the future because they still have a life and obligations while dealing with their suicidal ideation. i used to think i would kill myself whenever i could when i felt extremely miserable, but i still have things i want to do like watch movies in a theater to be able to enjoy something before i die for real.

i think that no one can actually commit suicide asap or the next day because it inherently requires a lot of contemplation. it requires a lot of mental distress or intoxication to do a suicide attempt impulsively. if it were easy, people with a method or location in mind would already be dead. it's a process for everyone that deals with suicidal thoughts and i've talked about it with other people on the forum who have felt the same way as me and struggle with their choice. you're allowed to have your own opinion, but i hope you understand my mindset more after i explained it. i don't think that having a week or longer than that before i can go through my method is making me secondguess myself, since i have more time to be sure about my choice. one of the reasons i don't plan on making a goodbye thread or posting on the forum if i do attempt is because it's easy to be influenced by other people or feel guilt for not attempting.

i've been talking about this a bit with my friends and other fans. i still follow chiikawa news very closely so i had the same reaction as most US fans when i realized the movie's release wasn't coming to the US until it gets announced. i was also thinking about the madoka magica walipurgisnacht rising movie coming to the US in the fall, but i think it's too far in the future for me.

 

[Pluto]

i was also thinking about the madoka magica walipurgisnacht rising movie coming to the US in the fall, but i think it's too far in the future for me.