dissociatedmess
a little past due
- Apr 30, 2022
- 34
Someone the other day said they felt like a fraud on this site, and I mentioned I felt the same way. I'm still alive. I don't intend to kill myself at the current moment. But I'm still feeling suicidal all of the time. I feel so numbed out and disconnected from everyone. My friendships have fallen apart. I live alone.
But I have a partner (long distance) who would be so traumatized if I killed myself, or even cut myself.
I stopped cutting five years ago, maybe a little more. I'm not kidding, one day it just stopped. Now today and yesterday all I can think about is wanting to hurt myself and I have nowhere to express it. I miss being able to sit in a bath and cut myself up and that's fucking morbid but it was the only thing that made me calm.
I can't cope with the emptiness, and the loneliness, the claustrophobia, the feeling that people only love whatever mask I'm wearing that day, but nobody loves me.
And when I can't cope with all of that, I spiral even more, and then my body and my brain start to shut down.
Feeling severe panic when you literally cannot receive help... I don't know a worse feeling.
My partner feels like a total stranger to me right now, and I can't feel anything even though I love him. I have no interest in responding to him laughing about a zombie movie because nobody ever has any interest in tending to my needs. Maybe that's selfish. I just feel like I'm expected to give care to everybody else until I have nothing left and get nothing in return. Transactional? I'm not sure. I'm not supposed to look at relationships as transactional, but damn, would be nice if someone just asked me how I was doing once in a while without needing the answer to be, "Great thanks, how are you!?"
I'm scared I'm gonna have to go to the hospital. Sometimes my panic attacks have gotten so bad my entire body tingles and starts going numb and I can't move. Sometimes the DP/DR causes it. Sometimes the voices. Sometimes the confusion that I'm in the wrong place or the wrong time. Sometimes it's the sinking realization that I feel like I'm in danger and no one is coming. Like I'm stuck in my bedroom and I'm 6 years old and they won't let me out and I'm screaming and screaming and screaming for hours and nobody comes.
What's left after that? What's left?
I can't do anything. I can't help myself and I can't get help and the only option is to disintegrate.
So I guess I'll go lie in bed and pray something kills me in my sleep, like I do every night, so I don't have to feel the survival instincts kick in, and so I don't have to feel the guilt of taking my own life.
Really I'm just a coward. I've tried so many times in life to push through, to hang myself, to cut through that artery, to take all those pills, and the fear is too strong.
So I just live life without a will to live it.
But I have a partner (long distance) who would be so traumatized if I killed myself, or even cut myself.
I stopped cutting five years ago, maybe a little more. I'm not kidding, one day it just stopped. Now today and yesterday all I can think about is wanting to hurt myself and I have nowhere to express it. I miss being able to sit in a bath and cut myself up and that's fucking morbid but it was the only thing that made me calm.
I can't cope with the emptiness, and the loneliness, the claustrophobia, the feeling that people only love whatever mask I'm wearing that day, but nobody loves me.
And when I can't cope with all of that, I spiral even more, and then my body and my brain start to shut down.
Feeling severe panic when you literally cannot receive help... I don't know a worse feeling.
My partner feels like a total stranger to me right now, and I can't feel anything even though I love him. I have no interest in responding to him laughing about a zombie movie because nobody ever has any interest in tending to my needs. Maybe that's selfish. I just feel like I'm expected to give care to everybody else until I have nothing left and get nothing in return. Transactional? I'm not sure. I'm not supposed to look at relationships as transactional, but damn, would be nice if someone just asked me how I was doing once in a while without needing the answer to be, "Great thanks, how are you!?"
I'm scared I'm gonna have to go to the hospital. Sometimes my panic attacks have gotten so bad my entire body tingles and starts going numb and I can't move. Sometimes the DP/DR causes it. Sometimes the voices. Sometimes the confusion that I'm in the wrong place or the wrong time. Sometimes it's the sinking realization that I feel like I'm in danger and no one is coming. Like I'm stuck in my bedroom and I'm 6 years old and they won't let me out and I'm screaming and screaming and screaming for hours and nobody comes.
What's left after that? What's left?
I can't do anything. I can't help myself and I can't get help and the only option is to disintegrate.
So I guess I'll go lie in bed and pray something kills me in my sleep, like I do every night, so I don't have to feel the survival instincts kick in, and so I don't have to feel the guilt of taking my own life.
Really I'm just a coward. I've tried so many times in life to push through, to hang myself, to cut through that artery, to take all those pills, and the fear is too strong.
So I just live life without a will to live it.
