Last week I helped my sister a lot with finding a proper medication. I am sure she would not have found that without my help. Now she is pretty happy because she has no more side effects. We had the same childhood, but different outcomes. We both have become ill but I am a way more severe case. She has everything a good education, probably a very well paid job and a partner. After I helped her (I received no thank you) she asked me how I am doing. I told her a second time about my hopeless situation. 2 therapists and me think I gonna ctb due to poverty and my bipolar illness.
We talked about welfare which I gonna receive in some years. She told me she thinks that's enough money that should not be a reason for ctb. I insisted that I've made a lot of research and yes it resembles living hell. One time we talked about poverty she has left hints she will be hesitant to help me financially. I would like to have a real answer of her and not just hints. I have asked my 3 closest friends if they would help me. 1 said absolutely not, 2 said maybe yes.
My parents will live for some years I guess but I worry A LOT about my future. I am pretty sure my life will end by suicide. However I am not sure how low my life will get till I finally do it. I have some red lines which will likely be crossed. I will be extremely desperate when I ctb. Sometimes I think I should ctb before I sink extremely low. The latest point I can imagine when I finally ctb is when my parents are dead. I am just unable to function in this world. I hope I have done it before I turn homeless. My life for the moment is sometimes even okay. My biggest problem is the future. I just don't have any solutions for my problems.
I think I won't gonna beg to my sister so that she gives me money. My psychologist told me think about the other people (also my sister) being hurt by my suicide. For me this is not really a problem. It is going to be contemplation about my life. My parents have abused they are clearly not the reason for staying alive. My sister does not give a shit. My friends are well prepared...I cannot do more for them...
We talked about welfare which I gonna receive in some years. She told me she thinks that's enough money that should not be a reason for ctb. I insisted that I've made a lot of research and yes it resembles living hell. One time we talked about poverty she has left hints she will be hesitant to help me financially. I would like to have a real answer of her and not just hints. I have asked my 3 closest friends if they would help me. 1 said absolutely not, 2 said maybe yes.
My parents will live for some years I guess but I worry A LOT about my future. I am pretty sure my life will end by suicide. However I am not sure how low my life will get till I finally do it. I have some red lines which will likely be crossed. I will be extremely desperate when I ctb. Sometimes I think I should ctb before I sink extremely low. The latest point I can imagine when I finally ctb is when my parents are dead. I am just unable to function in this world. I hope I have done it before I turn homeless. My life for the moment is sometimes even okay. My biggest problem is the future. I just don't have any solutions for my problems.
I think I won't gonna beg to my sister so that she gives me money. My psychologist told me think about the other people (also my sister) being hurt by my suicide. For me this is not really a problem. It is going to be contemplation about my life. My parents have abused they are clearly not the reason for staying alive. My sister does not give a shit. My friends are well prepared...I cannot do more for them...
