drag201
Member
- Oct 15, 2023
- 79
I always come back here, because the thoughts always come back, I've been in equally bad and good places in life. I've been truly miserable and right now I have things going for me but I am never satisfied and frankly these things mean nothing to me. In those miserable times I thought: I can't do it yet, because there are things I haven't experienced yet. I'll feel content when I feel like I've done all the things that made me curious enough to keep living. Now I've done them all, so I don't know.
My life feels more pointless than sad, as I don't feel sad and I can feel like I'm having a good time most days. But I have no ambitions, none of the things I own or have are important to me, I have absolutely no sense of self and I don't know how to move forward regarding any of this so all I can do is keep living each day aimlessly.
I have been passively thinking about CTB since childhood through my teenage years through my adult years now. I don't see this act as something tragic as some people might but rather the best way out since it's mostly under our control. But I wouldn't mind something out of my control happening, like an accident or a disease. I want to cease because I am just too mentally ill.
For us who have these thoughts, I think it will be permanent. I hope this doesn't come off as negative but rather as realistic. Especially if you've had these thoughts for a long time and without a proper event or sequence of events that triggered your ideation. I think there is no way out no matter how much happiness surrounds us. I wish I could express this feeling as something associated with freedom rather than it being depressing, because it shouldn't be.
I always knew deep in my heart I'd die young. I don't see why my feelings have to come across as a problem that has to be fixed, I assume none of us judge people who want to live, whether they are neurotypical or struggle and want to recover.
I don't talk about this because other people's support means absolutely nothing to me. I don't care for the same words I keep hearing; that "I am here for you" and such. It really doesnt matter. My problems are my own and I can't support myself emotionally, I was born too emotionally incapacitated, it's not my fault, I didn't ask for it. But society makes us feel guilty about it all, about coming on this website, about seeking ways to end everything, about even thinking about it. That's cruel.
My life feels more pointless than sad, as I don't feel sad and I can feel like I'm having a good time most days. But I have no ambitions, none of the things I own or have are important to me, I have absolutely no sense of self and I don't know how to move forward regarding any of this so all I can do is keep living each day aimlessly.
I have been passively thinking about CTB since childhood through my teenage years through my adult years now. I don't see this act as something tragic as some people might but rather the best way out since it's mostly under our control. But I wouldn't mind something out of my control happening, like an accident or a disease. I want to cease because I am just too mentally ill.
For us who have these thoughts, I think it will be permanent. I hope this doesn't come off as negative but rather as realistic. Especially if you've had these thoughts for a long time and without a proper event or sequence of events that triggered your ideation. I think there is no way out no matter how much happiness surrounds us. I wish I could express this feeling as something associated with freedom rather than it being depressing, because it shouldn't be.
I always knew deep in my heart I'd die young. I don't see why my feelings have to come across as a problem that has to be fixed, I assume none of us judge people who want to live, whether they are neurotypical or struggle and want to recover.
I don't talk about this because other people's support means absolutely nothing to me. I don't care for the same words I keep hearing; that "I am here for you" and such. It really doesnt matter. My problems are my own and I can't support myself emotionally, I was born too emotionally incapacitated, it's not my fault, I didn't ask for it. But society makes us feel guilty about it all, about coming on this website, about seeking ways to end everything, about even thinking about it. That's cruel.
