Venting No point in living

[Painless_end]

I should have done something about my career long ago that I didn't do. Unfortunately, that activity was time-bound and I can't do it now. My career is in ruins.

To be fair, I knew I was somewhat of a goner when depression first hit me while I was working my first full-time job. I suffered not only depression, but extreme existential angst. It took all I had to not just jump off from any high place that I could find.

What really has broken me, is knowing that even without any depression or existential angst, I am completely useless as a human being. My brain is just sort of very closed and averse to growing. I dislike any kind of productive activity. I eat to live. I live with my parents, because my lack of interest in anything in the world is so pervasive that I mentally refuse to get a job or upgrade my skills or learn something new. I refuse to grow. Growth is pain. There is no happiness for me in any monetary rewards or external success. Only how I feel internally matters to me. I am so unhappy about myself that I wish my unhappiness could kill me.

I am trying to understand why I can't kill myself and it's primarily fear of pain. I just can't bring myself to kill myself yet.

All these years, I was hoping that I would be able to kill myself if the pain crossed a certain threshold, but that event never happened. The pain was extreme, but I withstood it somehow.

But now, I just don't want to live any longer. I just want to curl up and die.

Please universe, please let me die. Please. Have mercy on me and end my misery. Please.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is very difficult, as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. More than anything I wish it was easier to leave. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake, as it would mean I would not have to ctb myself. Life is very unfair, I'm sorry you are in this situation. I understand it is dreadful when everything is hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[niki wonoto]

I can totally relate & agree with everything OP said above (it even makes me think: "Wow, are you me?")
Life sucks, isn't it? (or in my own words I usually said: Reality is boring, very limiting, sh*tty, & depressing)

- from Indonesia -

 

[jackie_boy1337]

I should have done something about my career long ago that I didn't do. Unfortunately, that activity was time-bound and I can't do it now. My career is in ruins.

To be fair, I knew I was somewhat of a goner when depression first hit me while I was working my first full-time job. I suffered not only depression, but extreme existential angst. It took all I had to not just jump off from any high place that I could find.

What really has broken me, is knowing that even without any depression or existential angst, I am completely useless as a human being. My brain is just sort of very closed and averse to growing. I dislike any kind of productive activity. I eat to live. I live with my parents, because my lack of interest in anything in the world is so pervasive that I mentally refuse to get a job or upgrade my skills or learn something new. I refuse to grow. Growth is pain. There is no happiness for me in any monetary rewards or external success. Only how I feel internally matters to me. I am so unhappy about myself that I wish my unhappiness could kill me.

I am trying to understand why I can't kill myself and it's primarily fear of pain. I just can't bring myself to kill myself yet.

All these years, I was hoping that I would be able to kill myself if the pain crossed a certain threshold, but that event never happened. The pain was extreme, but I withstood it somehow.

But now, I just don't want to live any longer. I just want to curl up and die.

Please universe, please let me die. Please. Have mercy on me and end my misery. Please.

The universe is an asshole.

We genuinely feel for ya though.... for what it's worth.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and I hope things have gotten better since you posted this

 

[knightxenon]

I can feel you.. life becomes a burden and we dont feel anything happy anymore just sadness and depression:(