Round Two
Gone
- Dec 10, 2021
- 66
Just a little introduction. A few weeks ago I was having suicidal thoughts from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. That lasted about a week, and surprisingly I'm still here. There comes a point where you really have to examine your quality of life. I try not to think about it, but it's difficult, you know? I feel like my life is just an assortment of symptoms at this point; I've been in diagnostics for a year and seen more doctors than I can recall and they still have no idea what's wrong with me. I've had time to adjust to all my new limitations over the past year, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what my childhood self would have done had she seen this future she had to look forward to. In my experience so far, life is pain. Almost entirely. There are good things here and there, and I suppose most normal people are able to focus on them to drown out the bad. Or, heck, maybe they just have it easy and there's not much bad, to begin with.
Tonight was a particularly rough night. So, I figured what better time to come make my first post here, right? Some random in a game I was playing came up and groped my character's tits. It was stupid and shouldn't really have been a big deal. But, to me, it was. It sent me spiraling into flashbacks of rape. I had to log out and go cry in the shower so my partner wouldn't worry about me more than she already does. I hate that I can't just feel things without also having to pretend that everything is fine. Having people in your life that care about you has its downsides, too.
I stumbled on this site during that special week. Thankfully I did. I think looking up arteries, in hindsight, was a very wise call. I thought back to a trans friend of mine who ended up trying to hit her corroded and failed, cutting her vocal cords instead. I didn't want that to be me. But, finding this place was also just comfort in and of itself. It's morbid, but I was glad to see I wasn't alone in how I was feeling. I wanted to create an account there and then, but I wasn't in the right headspace for it. I think I am now, though. I've had these thoughts off and on since I was nine, so I think I still belong here. I hope y'all think so, too.
~2
Tonight was a particularly rough night. So, I figured what better time to come make my first post here, right? Some random in a game I was playing came up and groped my character's tits. It was stupid and shouldn't really have been a big deal. But, to me, it was. It sent me spiraling into flashbacks of rape. I had to log out and go cry in the shower so my partner wouldn't worry about me more than she already does. I hate that I can't just feel things without also having to pretend that everything is fine. Having people in your life that care about you has its downsides, too.
I stumbled on this site during that special week. Thankfully I did. I think looking up arteries, in hindsight, was a very wise call. I thought back to a trans friend of mine who ended up trying to hit her corroded and failed, cutting her vocal cords instead. I didn't want that to be me. But, finding this place was also just comfort in and of itself. It's morbid, but I was glad to see I wasn't alone in how I was feeling. I wanted to create an account there and then, but I wasn't in the right headspace for it. I think I am now, though. I've had these thoughts off and on since I was nine, so I think I still belong here. I hope y'all think so, too.
~2
