The beginning
The early years not much happened so ill skip them. girst, my parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my father was putting me to bed and told me that he would be away for a while. I asked if he was going to come back, and he said he didn't know and then just left. I didn't hear from him for about 2 years. Since my mom was a stay at home mom and my father was the sole source of my family's income, when he left, my family was left with nothing. My mom had to scramble to get a job as a substitute teacher, and we were struggling to pay basic nessessities like food. This taught 7 year old me how important money is.
2nd to 5th grade
I renember in 2nd grade, we often got free canned food from Salvation Army and all of my clothes were handed me downs. My mom got a more stable job as a para professional when I was in 3rd grade and later became a reading specialist when I was in 4th grade. In second grade, I got really into pokemon and in third grade, I learned that pokemon is from Japan, which sparked my life long love for anime and Japanese culture. Well anyway, around 4th grade, maybe 3rd, my father came back into my life. My sibling and I began visiting our father every other weekend. At first, my father lived with his parents, but eventually he got an apartment with his girlfriend. Around this time I was also enrolled in a group therapy for children with seperated parents as court order. The program was called split bananas and was run by my elementary school. When my father was at his parents, when I came home my mom said I smelled of smoke. My father was very different from me mom, while my mom has over been over bearing, my father was the exact opposite, or at least started out like that. I remember once my father took my sibling and me out shopping I think and didn't get back till 2 am. There was school the next day. Eventually, my sibling started to refuse to come visit father. I for the most part kept coming but one time I refused and the police came. My mom said my father called the police and my father said the opposite. I remember being scared. The police asked me if I wanted to go with father to get ice cream and I said no. My mom then took me an River to one of her coorworker's houses where we stayed the night to hide. I heard my sibling curse for the first time that day. Both parents would try to get me on their side. I always being told contradicting things from either parents. I would often have to go to court as a little kid to represent myself for the custody battles and my mom would always tell me not to tell the court that things are "her fault" my mom has always feared about how others view her as a mother and loosing her kids. My father would bribe me into thinking that he is good and feed me lies about my mom to think that she is the bad guy. When my father got an apartment when I was in 5th grade I think, he would constantly come late to the meat-up spot to pick me up, sometimes we had to wait 2 hours. Sometimes he never showed up at all. At this time my sibling never came. At 5th grade, I also started outpatient therapy to try to mend my relationship with my father.
Concussion
One time in 5th grade, I was in my father's custody for the weekend and there was a bike. I never learned how to ride a bike, and I asked my father for a helmet, he said I dont need one and I demanded that I did need a helmet. After some back and forth, he convinced me to try to ride the bike without a helmet. I figured out how to move but not turn or stop, so I shakily road over a really big rock, practically a boulder, and fell on my back, my head slamming on the rock and the bike on top of me. It hurt a lot, and when I got up I couldn't walk straight and had an unbelievable headache. My father didn't do anything about it , not any medical attention or even pain medicine and i just watched A Silent Voice for the first time then went to bed. The next day, in the evening I think when I went back to my mom, my head was even worse and I really couldn't walk straight. When I talked I didn't make much sense. So Mom took me to the hospital and the hospital people asked me who my mom was and I could not answer. I also stumbled the opposite way that I was supposed to go. The doctors said I had a concussion and it took me somewhere between 2 weeks and a month to fully recover. I think my father not doing anything about my concussion that he caused by not letting me use a helmet was negligence.
First attempt
When I was in 6th grade, my mental health all of a sudden got really bad. I always would get upset easily, but at this time I was actively thinking about killing myself. My first attempt i was 11 in 6th grade. It was January and was 7 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I started my day waking up at midnight and watched anime for a few hours, I think it was season 2 of Tokyo Ghoul, I did that a lot back the. I waited until like 6am because my thought process was I didn't want to wake anyone and get caught. Leaving my house in the middle of the night would be strange but around 6am would be normal because I often took out my dog at that time. Well anyway, at around 6am, I snatched a bottle of my dog's pills and ran away. It was really cold, 7 degrees Fahrenheit, and all I had on was beige oversized sweatpants and a grey Whini the Poo sweater that said "99 acres left to go" I was outside in the cold for 2 hours, walking along the side of the road. At this time I was thinking I got far enough away from home to not be caught and was considering taking the pills hoping the overdose would kill me. I was also growing weak from the cold. Then a police car showed up and asked if Im me. I tried to run but didn't get very far. When I was put into the police car and the police lady was driving me home, she found out that I was planning to commit suicide. She was really nice and even game me a Stuffed animal rabbit that I still have all these years later. When I look at the rabbit now, I have mixed emotions. One, it was an act of kindness from a complete stranger at the time I needed it most. But it is also a reminder of one if the lowest points of my life. When I got home I was out in an ambulance and my mom asked who took me. She started crying when I said the truth. The ambulance said I had hiperthermia and took me to the hospital. If I would have ran away at midnight when I woke up, took the pills immediately, or ran off into the forest and not along the road, it is very likely that I would not be writing this, because I probably wouldn't have made it.
First hospital stay
The ambulance took me to the hospital and I was put in the psychiatric unit. My room was all grey with a concrete chair and a concrete bed frame with a thin stiff Matrass and one thin blanket. There was a TV on the wall that was behind dirty looking glass. I think it was bullet proof or something. Either Star wars or paw patrol was playing, I forget, but there was no sound. There was a nurse staring at me the whole time. They made me change into hospital scrubs but let me have my new rabbit stuffed animal. I had the stay in the bed the whole time. The food was cold and tastless. I was in there for a day or so. My family came to visit me. They were very sad and worried. My mom and grandma came and I was crying and grandma would wipe my tears. I dont renember if my father came. If he did it was briefly. After that day, they transferred me to the mental hospital. I was there for 8 days. I dont remember much from this stay, but I was in the 12 year old group and there was this kid that got put on cup restriction. When I got there they did a strip search immediately. I was in a room with 2 beds a chalk board, a long counter with open storage space and a tiny bathroom seperated by only a curtain. All I renember about this roommate is that her name started with a C and she had a lot of crayons. Most of the day was in whole group in this large room with heavy concrete chairs and tables. Girls were on one side and boys were on the other side of the room and the boys and girls weren't allowed to talk to each other. There was also a big room with pillars that we did stuff in. With nothing else to do, I learned origami. I was also obsessed with the anime Your Lie in April at the time and there was a music therapist with a keyboard so I learned piano and learned the first 2 or 4 measures to the opening song to your lie in April. And the beginning to a song from beatoven.
Aftermath
When I was reliesed form the hospital after 8 days, I returned to 6th grade. While I was away, news stories about covid vent viral, but covid at this time did not get to America. Even was asking me if I got covid and I had no idea what that even was. I said I was in the mental hospital. A bit after that, on March 13, 2020 covid happened and the world ended. It was a Friday. School closed and I got 2 weeks off I think. Then they made everyone do enjinuity which is online class. After 2 days of enjinuity mom had to go to the store, so she took me and my older sibling to price chopper but we were told to stay in the car so we wont get covid. I was had animal crossing New leaf on my DS, but I wasnt playing it. River asked me why am I not playing it, so i started playing it to not raise suspission Right after mom went into the store. I ran off. An alarm went off and River yelled my name. I ran down the road and someone asked if I was OK from their car. I didn't answer and kept running. I was going to go to one of those bridges with cars underneath and jump but I could not find it so I jumped off a tiny bridge over a creek instead and was completely fine . I was listening to music on my mp3 player and after I went in the creak, the music stopped working. Soon afterwards the police found me. This time it was 2 men and they were annoyed and not nice. When I was put in the ambulance, they had me change because my clothes were wet and I said I didn't want to change in front of men and they said that if I didn't comply they would use force. So I did as I was told and changed. At least they held up a towel to cover me. Oh, I just turned 12 at this time. Then I went to the psychiatric unit of the hospital again for a day or 2 and it was the same. Then I went to the mental hospital again but this time I was there for 2 months and 2 weeks.
Second hospital stay
This time, i was placed with the 7 to 10 year old group because the 11 to 14 i think group was too full because there was a staff shortage because of covid. So as a 12 year old, I was the eldest there. A lot of the little kids there had major behavioral problems and there was a fight at least every hour. I also didn't have any shoes, but we went outside often. The courtyards that we went outside to was a concrete floor surrounded by brick wall on all four sides. The only nature i could see was the blue sky and the occasional ant. To cope with the extreme things I was feeling, I began torturing the ants and other bugs. I dont know why I did it and deeply regret it. After a bit, the 12 year old group closed and merged into the 7 year old group. The girl that got on cup restriction last time was still there. I overheard the staff talking negatively about her and how she got worse. She i think used drugs and alcohol. I dont remember her name. I was only at the 7 year old group for a few days before they transferred me because of space. Now I was in the oldest age group. Besides 12 year old me, the youngest was my roommate, who ill call A who was 14. At one point there was a 19 year old. Either hear with the older teenagers, or my first hospitalization, I forget, at least half of the patients were LGBTQ and the staff was very homophobic and transphobic. One kid even had gender affirming surgery. I think he was 12 or 13. During my entire time here I had to go on the concrete with nothing on my feet. The entirety of the bottom of my feet blistered and all the skin peeled off. It hurt and nobody did anything about it. I didn't tell anyone either though. My roommate, A wanted me dead. She would tell me I should kill myself and even smuggled pills for me to take and overdose on. She tried to kill me. I think she ended up taking them and got caught, since the staff checks every 5 minutes and she was taken to the hospital and put on green which is a constant servalence. My room was then changed and from then on I freaked out whenever I saw A. For years, A's favorite song, Invincible, and her favorite movie, Pet Cemetery triggered me so much that I would have complete meltdowns whenever I even heard the names. I also would have meltdowns whenever I heard the name A. Shortly after the A incident, this 19 year old that ill call E came. She was only there for 5 days I think but she was very nice to me and I was always with her those 5 days. She said I was the coolest 12 year old ever. Her favorite candy was sour patch kids and she was going to a college to be a therapist but during her stay she decided she wanted to be a nurse instead. She said she wanted to help people like me. She was I think the only one there that was there voluntarily, she was having thoughts and needed a medication change. The day she left I made her an origami crane and she colored a picture for me that said "never give up". I have kept that coloring page to this day.
Actually, just before I started 12th grade, so when I was 17 5 years later, I was trying to email my case manager, Mr. M about a new coat policy and for some reason his email wouldn't show up. My school has its own Gmail extention and on the school email everyone on the district pops up. But for some reason none of the emails popped up and only two popped up but neither were from my school. One was from this boy that did a lot of bad stuff to me that I will get to later and the other was an AOL email that had E's first and last name. I was like... wait is that E from the mental hospital? So i emailed the address from my home account saying who i was and asking if she was the E I knew. I expected either no response or the person receiving it having no idea what I was talking about, but the next day I got a response. It was E. She remembered me and kept the crane I made her. She was also just talking about that 12 year old from the mental hospital. I got her number and she even showed me the crane she kept. I showed her the coloring page. Im still in contact with her.
Residential stay
For a week during the mental hospital stay, I was put on Green for self harm. For that week, adults were watching me the whole time, even when I would use the bathroom, change, or take a shower. And I had to take a shower during those weeks because they made me and said that if I didn't I would stay longer because I wouldn't be taking care of myself. I can't say how invalidated I felt, with adult strangers starting at me while I got dressed, even if they were female staff members and if it was for my safety. I think that this led to some trouble I got into later.
After 2 months and 2 weeks I was in the mental hospital, in which I missed my older sibling's birthday, I was transferred to a residential program that was owned by the same company. I was there for about 6 months It was an all girls' dorm and I had 3 roommates. One of them went to the same middle school as me, but I never saw her in high school so I don't know what happened to her.
The room was bigger, and there was 3 beds with damp wooden frames. 2 were on bunk beds. They was this wierd yellow stuff that kinda looked something like dry boogers all over the walls. There was a rewards system like PBIS where I got little rewards. One time one of my roommates, who was the youngest was put on green and everything was taken out of my room. Later, the bed frames were changed to plastic with concrete on the inside because the wooden bed frames were discussing.
Once, I had a clogged ear, and instead of going to a staff member, I rolled up a piece of tape and tried to use it as a Q-tip to get the ear wax out, but it got stuck. I got in really big trouble and was yelled at. I wasn't trying to get the tape stuck in my ear, my ear was just bothering me and I didn't know how else to get it to stop.
Another time, I was outside and on the bleachers was a weird looking bug, which I later foundout was a Milkweed assassin bug. I was going to rip it apart, which I deeply regret. I picked it up and it used a long red stinger on its mouth that looks like the thing butterflies use and bit me. It felt like my finger was being ripped off and was one of the most intense pain I felt, so I moved it to the other hand. Then it bit me on that hand and I yelped in pain and shaked it off crying. The staff took me to the nurse and I said I was bitten by a bug but had no idea what bug it was so the nurse gave me a crap ton of benadryl and used tweezers to remove the clear liquid the bug injected into my fingers. For the next day or 2 I was extremely tired and would fall asleep sitting up from all the benadryl. I was yelled at a lot again and not allowed outside.
There was 2 staff members who were nice one was young and vegan, dont remember anything else about her and the other was bigger and had a unique way of talking. She got a DVD of all the Ghibli movies for me and some other girls, although it was definitely pirated and not official, but I watched a lot of Ghibli movies there.
At one point towards the middle, I was pulled for a periodic meeting on my improvement and they just strait up said I had autism. I dont remember ever being tested though but it completely makes since because of my sensitivities to stimuli and my speech delay, along with other symptoms.
On the weekends, my parents would take turns visiting me for an hour or two and my father actually came at these times. I did a lot of playing Pokémon TCG with the visitors, and sometimes other card games like Uno. I also got a Sobble stuffed animal that I carried around everywhere.
I was discharged about 6 months after being admitted to the residential group home, just before 7th grade started. When I came home, I have accumulated over 200 self-inflicted cuts and scars, although most of them have faded by now. Almost all of them were never noticed by staff even though one was a foot long on my thigh and made my thigh completely covered in blood, and another, which I still have a noticeable scar from on my chest, would stain my bra and shirt with blood.
7th grade
I was discharged from the residential group home right before the start of 7th grade, and i was put into a partial hospitalization special education classroom. There was students from 4 seperate school districts in the classroom, but it was located in my middle school. I never interacted with or even saw any regular ed students that year though. There was also everyone from 6th to 8th grade and of all different levels so I learned absolutely nothing. The class mainly focused on mental health. I remember a lot of naming our feelings and rating the day and playing Protagy and being read Harry Potter to. I also remember there was 4 adults and about 8 or so kids. The teacher was old and one of the aids was homophobic, which was bad and around half of the class was LGBTQ. Mr. S left in the middle of the year, and the mainly bald guy was the one that read Harry Potter. I remember one of my pears would tell me to kill myself. It was during an event outside.
At this time my home life was also wierd. I was in my father's care for every other week and the other weeks I was with my mom. The custody was split 50/50. Since my father convinced me that all of my problems were from my mom by lying and manipulating me, so I would have a meltdown whenever I went to my mom's place. One time i was upset coming back to my father's place because someone in my class called me the R word, and he said that's because I am the R word. Towards the middle of the year my father was yelling at me for sitting on a chair wrong and that made me upset. He said that I'm becoming like my sibling like it was a bad thing. But I looked up to my sibling so that made me more upset. After I returned to my mom's care, 2 days later my father messaged my mom saying that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and that he got someone to replace me. I felt abandoned and now my father isn't legally allowed to see me anymore.
My mom was able to get me out of the special education and into regular education for my 8th grade year, bit I was placed in the lowest class.
Evil boy
In 8th grade, I met this boy I'll call C, and immediately became friends with him. I remember around Christmas time he would shower me with gifts, which i later reliesed was love bombing. I thought him to be a really nice guy and developed feelings for him. I confessed 2 days before winter break. Right after our first date, which was to a restaurant, he took me to his room and locked the door. I awkwardly sat at the corner of the bed and he told me to lay down, so I did. He then pinned me down and kissed me quite forcefully. He also had me take off my shirt.
He also looked up to his older half brother who was jailed at least 3 times. When I was in 9th grade, his brother He looked up to was jailed as suspect for attempted murder. When knowing him he would also make fun of my sibling's pronouns and tried to seperate me from my mom. He also would talk about about a future with me saying he wanted me to be a housewife and wanted full guardianship of me saying that I wasn't capable of making any decisions for myself because I had disabilities (autism and severe depression)
During the summer between 8th and 9th grade, for about 3 weeks, I was at C's house. One time he had to do the dishes and I wanted to help so he repetitively smacked me with a pillow. It didn't hurt and it was only a pillow but it was not playful. When I was sick with covid for a week and could not come. C said it was my mom's fault. When I was at his house in the beginning, he took me to his room and had me take off my clothes. I have never said no to him so I did it. He then took off his clothes and said he wanted to have set. I said no to him for the first time and gave the excuse that I didn't want a teenage pregnancy at 14, but I really didn't want to. He begged and got really close but didn't fully penetrate. The next day I came and he bought condoms and my excuse was void. I didn't want to the first time and was corosed. It might have been rape, I'm not sure. The 7 times after that I was still corosed but I ended up liking it, but looking back on it it disgusts me. In 9th grade, he would touch my chest area during class which made me uncomfortable and I didn't like.
Towards the summer between 9th and 10th grade, C texted me saying he wants to break up and that it is my mom's fault. Then he emailed me apologizing and begging me not to go, and i responded saying that I was feeling hurt, so he texts my mom threatening to kill me. I was very traumatized from that threat and hav still never gotten over it.
Misalanious stuff and stuff i forgot to add
During some time in high-school, I forget which grade, my mom got a notification from the school saying that I was to be pulled out of the district because I "lived in other town" and my mom would be fined $100 for each day I was "in the district illegally" I infact do not live in other town so my mom looked into it and found that it was my lame excuse for a father's address, and that my father somehow managed to change my address when he wasn't supposed to. Thankfully my mom changed it and i was not kicked out of the school or fined.
In 7th grade, when I was in my father's care, he lied to the doctors saying I had tics, when it was stimming because of my autism. So I was put on a medication for tics, but after only being put on it for a day, I suddenly started to gasp for breath. It felt like my throat was closing up and started coughing wierd. So I was taken to the hospital and was taken off the medication. They gave me oxygen and said that it was a reaction to the medication. It was probably because I didn't need the medication.
Throughout my life, I have never had many friends. In kindergarten through 3rd grade, I blindly followed the first girl that I met on this intro to kindergarten day, ill call J. In 4th grade, these 2 boys, L and D befriended me and I stopped following J. 4th and 5th grades were probably some of the best of my life considering everything. L, D and me were always together those two years. Im still in contact with D but he goes to the north high school in my district and I go to the south one.
For most of my life, I have experienced bullying. In elementary school, most of the girls would talk behind my back, and middle school there was incidents at different placements I wrote about before. In high school, spasifically 10th and 11th grade, people would bully me for having a fragrance allergy, they would say "spritz spritz" like the sound of a spray bottle and do the hand motion you do when you are spraying something around me. One girl even directly spayed perfume in my face in 10th grade. People in high school would also make fun of my autism and noise sensitivities, yelling or barking really loud in my ear in the hallway. One time, someone yelled in my ear in the hallway and I freaked out and fell down the stairs and got my leg caught between the stairs and the wall.
12 grade, I haven't experienced any bullying, or I just don't let it bother me. I even made some friends in the second semester. A, who is have known since 5th grade but was not that close before, and a new guy.
In most ways, my life has gotten better, my self-esteem has improved, I no longer think im a bad person, I have new friends, I haven't run into that guy from 8th grade at all this semester, I'm more confident, and I have a clear goal for the future, i want to teach English in japan as an ALT. drowning in my depression. I fear regressing. I have bad thoughts, they never went away,even after 7 years. but I'm afraid to tell anyone because I fear going back to the mental hospital. But I also feel like no mater what I do, no matter what improvements I make, the thoughts won't go away. It's not like I don't feel happy though, I feel happy often.
But i want to die. I know I'd be throwing away my future but I can't keep living. I'm planning on killing myself on August 31, 2026. either by drowning or hanging, not sure yet.
The early years not much happened so ill skip them. girst, my parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my father was putting me to bed and told me that he would be away for a while. I asked if he was going to come back, and he said he didn't know and then just left. I didn't hear from him for about 2 years. Since my mom was a stay at home mom and my father was the sole source of my family's income, when he left, my family was left with nothing. My mom had to scramble to get a job as a substitute teacher, and we were struggling to pay basic nessessities like food. This taught 7 year old me how important money is.
2nd to 5th grade
I renember in 2nd grade, we often got free canned food from Salvation Army and all of my clothes were handed me downs. My mom got a more stable job as a para professional when I was in 3rd grade and later became a reading specialist when I was in 4th grade. In second grade, I got really into pokemon and in third grade, I learned that pokemon is from Japan, which sparked my life long love for anime and Japanese culture. Well anyway, around 4th grade, maybe 3rd, my father came back into my life. My sibling and I began visiting our father every other weekend. At first, my father lived with his parents, but eventually he got an apartment with his girlfriend. Around this time I was also enrolled in a group therapy for children with seperated parents as court order. The program was called split bananas and was run by my elementary school. When my father was at his parents, when I came home my mom said I smelled of smoke. My father was very different from me mom, while my mom has over been over bearing, my father was the exact opposite, or at least started out like that. I remember once my father took my sibling and me out shopping I think and didn't get back till 2 am. There was school the next day. Eventually, my sibling started to refuse to come visit father. I for the most part kept coming but one time I refused and the police came. My mom said my father called the police and my father said the opposite. I remember being scared. The police asked me if I wanted to go with father to get ice cream and I said no. My mom then took me an River to one of her coorworker's houses where we stayed the night to hide. I heard my sibling curse for the first time that day. Both parents would try to get me on their side. I always being told contradicting things from either parents. I would often have to go to court as a little kid to represent myself for the custody battles and my mom would always tell me not to tell the court that things are "her fault" my mom has always feared about how others view her as a mother and loosing her kids. My father would bribe me into thinking that he is good and feed me lies about my mom to think that she is the bad guy. When my father got an apartment when I was in 5th grade I think, he would constantly come late to the meat-up spot to pick me up, sometimes we had to wait 2 hours. Sometimes he never showed up at all. At this time my sibling never came. At 5th grade, I also started outpatient therapy to try to mend my relationship with my father.
Concussion
One time in 5th grade, I was in my father's custody for the weekend and there was a bike. I never learned how to ride a bike, and I asked my father for a helmet, he said I dont need one and I demanded that I did need a helmet. After some back and forth, he convinced me to try to ride the bike without a helmet. I figured out how to move but not turn or stop, so I shakily road over a really big rock, practically a boulder, and fell on my back, my head slamming on the rock and the bike on top of me. It hurt a lot, and when I got up I couldn't walk straight and had an unbelievable headache. My father didn't do anything about it , not any medical attention or even pain medicine and i just watched A Silent Voice for the first time then went to bed. The next day, in the evening I think when I went back to my mom, my head was even worse and I really couldn't walk straight. When I talked I didn't make much sense. So Mom took me to the hospital and the hospital people asked me who my mom was and I could not answer. I also stumbled the opposite way that I was supposed to go. The doctors said I had a concussion and it took me somewhere between 2 weeks and a month to fully recover. I think my father not doing anything about my concussion that he caused by not letting me use a helmet was negligence.
First attempt
When I was in 6th grade, my mental health all of a sudden got really bad. I always would get upset easily, but at this time I was actively thinking about killing myself. My first attempt i was 11 in 6th grade. It was January and was 7 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I started my day waking up at midnight and watched anime for a few hours, I think it was season 2 of Tokyo Ghoul, I did that a lot back the. I waited until like 6am because my thought process was I didn't want to wake anyone and get caught. Leaving my house in the middle of the night would be strange but around 6am would be normal because I often took out my dog at that time. Well anyway, at around 6am, I snatched a bottle of my dog's pills and ran away. It was really cold, 7 degrees Fahrenheit, and all I had on was beige oversized sweatpants and a grey Whini the Poo sweater that said "99 acres left to go" I was outside in the cold for 2 hours, walking along the side of the road. At this time I was thinking I got far enough away from home to not be caught and was considering taking the pills hoping the overdose would kill me. I was also growing weak from the cold. Then a police car showed up and asked if Im me. I tried to run but didn't get very far. When I was put into the police car and the police lady was driving me home, she found out that I was planning to commit suicide. She was really nice and even game me a Stuffed animal rabbit that I still have all these years later. When I look at the rabbit now, I have mixed emotions. One, it was an act of kindness from a complete stranger at the time I needed it most. But it is also a reminder of one if the lowest points of my life. When I got home I was out in an ambulance and my mom asked who took me. She started crying when I said the truth. The ambulance said I had hiperthermia and took me to the hospital. If I would have ran away at midnight when I woke up, took the pills immediately, or ran off into the forest and not along the road, it is very likely that I would not be writing this, because I probably wouldn't have made it.
First hospital stay
The ambulance took me to the hospital and I was put in the psychiatric unit. My room was all grey with a concrete chair and a concrete bed frame with a thin stiff Matrass and one thin blanket. There was a TV on the wall that was behind dirty looking glass. I think it was bullet proof or something. Either Star wars or paw patrol was playing, I forget, but there was no sound. There was a nurse staring at me the whole time. They made me change into hospital scrubs but let me have my new rabbit stuffed animal. I had the stay in the bed the whole time. The food was cold and tastless. I was in there for a day or so. My family came to visit me. They were very sad and worried. My mom and grandma came and I was crying and grandma would wipe my tears. I dont renember if my father came. If he did it was briefly. After that day, they transferred me to the mental hospital. I was there for 8 days. I dont remember much from this stay, but I was in the 12 year old group and there was this kid that got put on cup restriction. When I got there they did a strip search immediately. I was in a room with 2 beds a chalk board, a long counter with open storage space and a tiny bathroom seperated by only a curtain. All I renember about this roommate is that her name started with a C and she had a lot of crayons. Most of the day was in whole group in this large room with heavy concrete chairs and tables. Girls were on one side and boys were on the other side of the room and the boys and girls weren't allowed to talk to each other. There was also a big room with pillars that we did stuff in. With nothing else to do, I learned origami. I was also obsessed with the anime Your Lie in April at the time and there was a music therapist with a keyboard so I learned piano and learned the first 2 or 4 measures to the opening song to your lie in April. And the beginning to a song from beatoven.
Aftermath
When I was reliesed form the hospital after 8 days, I returned to 6th grade. While I was away, news stories about covid vent viral, but covid at this time did not get to America. Even was asking me if I got covid and I had no idea what that even was. I said I was in the mental hospital. A bit after that, on March 13, 2020 covid happened and the world ended. It was a Friday. School closed and I got 2 weeks off I think. Then they made everyone do enjinuity which is online class. After 2 days of enjinuity mom had to go to the store, so she took me and my older sibling to price chopper but we were told to stay in the car so we wont get covid. I was had animal crossing New leaf on my DS, but I wasnt playing it. River asked me why am I not playing it, so i started playing it to not raise suspission Right after mom went into the store. I ran off. An alarm went off and River yelled my name. I ran down the road and someone asked if I was OK from their car. I didn't answer and kept running. I was going to go to one of those bridges with cars underneath and jump but I could not find it so I jumped off a tiny bridge over a creek instead and was completely fine . I was listening to music on my mp3 player and after I went in the creak, the music stopped working. Soon afterwards the police found me. This time it was 2 men and they were annoyed and not nice. When I was put in the ambulance, they had me change because my clothes were wet and I said I didn't want to change in front of men and they said that if I didn't comply they would use force. So I did as I was told and changed. At least they held up a towel to cover me. Oh, I just turned 12 at this time. Then I went to the psychiatric unit of the hospital again for a day or 2 and it was the same. Then I went to the mental hospital again but this time I was there for 2 months and 2 weeks.
Second hospital stay
This time, i was placed with the 7 to 10 year old group because the 11 to 14 i think group was too full because there was a staff shortage because of covid. So as a 12 year old, I was the eldest there. A lot of the little kids there had major behavioral problems and there was a fight at least every hour. I also didn't have any shoes, but we went outside often. The courtyards that we went outside to was a concrete floor surrounded by brick wall on all four sides. The only nature i could see was the blue sky and the occasional ant. To cope with the extreme things I was feeling, I began torturing the ants and other bugs. I dont know why I did it and deeply regret it. After a bit, the 12 year old group closed and merged into the 7 year old group. The girl that got on cup restriction last time was still there. I overheard the staff talking negatively about her and how she got worse. She i think used drugs and alcohol. I dont remember her name. I was only at the 7 year old group for a few days before they transferred me because of space. Now I was in the oldest age group. Besides 12 year old me, the youngest was my roommate, who ill call A who was 14. At one point there was a 19 year old. Either hear with the older teenagers, or my first hospitalization, I forget, at least half of the patients were LGBTQ and the staff was very homophobic and transphobic. One kid even had gender affirming surgery. I think he was 12 or 13. During my entire time here I had to go on the concrete with nothing on my feet. The entirety of the bottom of my feet blistered and all the skin peeled off. It hurt and nobody did anything about it. I didn't tell anyone either though. My roommate, A wanted me dead. She would tell me I should kill myself and even smuggled pills for me to take and overdose on. She tried to kill me. I think she ended up taking them and got caught, since the staff checks every 5 minutes and she was taken to the hospital and put on green which is a constant servalence. My room was then changed and from then on I freaked out whenever I saw A. For years, A's favorite song, Invincible, and her favorite movie, Pet Cemetery triggered me so much that I would have complete meltdowns whenever I even heard the names. I also would have meltdowns whenever I heard the name A. Shortly after the A incident, this 19 year old that ill call E came. She was only there for 5 days I think but she was very nice to me and I was always with her those 5 days. She said I was the coolest 12 year old ever. Her favorite candy was sour patch kids and she was going to a college to be a therapist but during her stay she decided she wanted to be a nurse instead. She said she wanted to help people like me. She was I think the only one there that was there voluntarily, she was having thoughts and needed a medication change. The day she left I made her an origami crane and she colored a picture for me that said "never give up". I have kept that coloring page to this day.
Actually, just before I started 12th grade, so when I was 17 5 years later, I was trying to email my case manager, Mr. M about a new coat policy and for some reason his email wouldn't show up. My school has its own Gmail extention and on the school email everyone on the district pops up. But for some reason none of the emails popped up and only two popped up but neither were from my school. One was from this boy that did a lot of bad stuff to me that I will get to later and the other was an AOL email that had E's first and last name. I was like... wait is that E from the mental hospital? So i emailed the address from my home account saying who i was and asking if she was the E I knew. I expected either no response or the person receiving it having no idea what I was talking about, but the next day I got a response. It was E. She remembered me and kept the crane I made her. She was also just talking about that 12 year old from the mental hospital. I got her number and she even showed me the crane she kept. I showed her the coloring page. Im still in contact with her.
Residential stay
For a week during the mental hospital stay, I was put on Green for self harm. For that week, adults were watching me the whole time, even when I would use the bathroom, change, or take a shower. And I had to take a shower during those weeks because they made me and said that if I didn't I would stay longer because I wouldn't be taking care of myself. I can't say how invalidated I felt, with adult strangers starting at me while I got dressed, even if they were female staff members and if it was for my safety. I think that this led to some trouble I got into later.
After 2 months and 2 weeks I was in the mental hospital, in which I missed my older sibling's birthday, I was transferred to a residential program that was owned by the same company. I was there for about 6 months It was an all girls' dorm and I had 3 roommates. One of them went to the same middle school as me, but I never saw her in high school so I don't know what happened to her.
The room was bigger, and there was 3 beds with damp wooden frames. 2 were on bunk beds. They was this wierd yellow stuff that kinda looked something like dry boogers all over the walls. There was a rewards system like PBIS where I got little rewards. One time one of my roommates, who was the youngest was put on green and everything was taken out of my room. Later, the bed frames were changed to plastic with concrete on the inside because the wooden bed frames were discussing.
Once, I had a clogged ear, and instead of going to a staff member, I rolled up a piece of tape and tried to use it as a Q-tip to get the ear wax out, but it got stuck. I got in really big trouble and was yelled at. I wasn't trying to get the tape stuck in my ear, my ear was just bothering me and I didn't know how else to get it to stop.
Another time, I was outside and on the bleachers was a weird looking bug, which I later foundout was a Milkweed assassin bug. I was going to rip it apart, which I deeply regret. I picked it up and it used a long red stinger on its mouth that looks like the thing butterflies use and bit me. It felt like my finger was being ripped off and was one of the most intense pain I felt, so I moved it to the other hand. Then it bit me on that hand and I yelped in pain and shaked it off crying. The staff took me to the nurse and I said I was bitten by a bug but had no idea what bug it was so the nurse gave me a crap ton of benadryl and used tweezers to remove the clear liquid the bug injected into my fingers. For the next day or 2 I was extremely tired and would fall asleep sitting up from all the benadryl. I was yelled at a lot again and not allowed outside.
There was 2 staff members who were nice one was young and vegan, dont remember anything else about her and the other was bigger and had a unique way of talking. She got a DVD of all the Ghibli movies for me and some other girls, although it was definitely pirated and not official, but I watched a lot of Ghibli movies there.
At one point towards the middle, I was pulled for a periodic meeting on my improvement and they just strait up said I had autism. I dont remember ever being tested though but it completely makes since because of my sensitivities to stimuli and my speech delay, along with other symptoms.
On the weekends, my parents would take turns visiting me for an hour or two and my father actually came at these times. I did a lot of playing Pokémon TCG with the visitors, and sometimes other card games like Uno. I also got a Sobble stuffed animal that I carried around everywhere.
I was discharged about 6 months after being admitted to the residential group home, just before 7th grade started. When I came home, I have accumulated over 200 self-inflicted cuts and scars, although most of them have faded by now. Almost all of them were never noticed by staff even though one was a foot long on my thigh and made my thigh completely covered in blood, and another, which I still have a noticeable scar from on my chest, would stain my bra and shirt with blood.
7th grade
I was discharged from the residential group home right before the start of 7th grade, and i was put into a partial hospitalization special education classroom. There was students from 4 seperate school districts in the classroom, but it was located in my middle school. I never interacted with or even saw any regular ed students that year though. There was also everyone from 6th to 8th grade and of all different levels so I learned absolutely nothing. The class mainly focused on mental health. I remember a lot of naming our feelings and rating the day and playing Protagy and being read Harry Potter to. I also remember there was 4 adults and about 8 or so kids. The teacher was old and one of the aids was homophobic, which was bad and around half of the class was LGBTQ. Mr. S left in the middle of the year, and the mainly bald guy was the one that read Harry Potter. I remember one of my pears would tell me to kill myself. It was during an event outside.
At this time my home life was also wierd. I was in my father's care for every other week and the other weeks I was with my mom. The custody was split 50/50. Since my father convinced me that all of my problems were from my mom by lying and manipulating me, so I would have a meltdown whenever I went to my mom's place. One time i was upset coming back to my father's place because someone in my class called me the R word, and he said that's because I am the R word. Towards the middle of the year my father was yelling at me for sitting on a chair wrong and that made me upset. He said that I'm becoming like my sibling like it was a bad thing. But I looked up to my sibling so that made me more upset. After I returned to my mom's care, 2 days later my father messaged my mom saying that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and that he got someone to replace me. I felt abandoned and now my father isn't legally allowed to see me anymore.
My mom was able to get me out of the special education and into regular education for my 8th grade year, bit I was placed in the lowest class.
Evil boy
In 8th grade, I met this boy I'll call C, and immediately became friends with him. I remember around Christmas time he would shower me with gifts, which i later reliesed was love bombing. I thought him to be a really nice guy and developed feelings for him. I confessed 2 days before winter break. Right after our first date, which was to a restaurant, he took me to his room and locked the door. I awkwardly sat at the corner of the bed and he told me to lay down, so I did. He then pinned me down and kissed me quite forcefully. He also had me take off my shirt.
He also looked up to his older half brother who was jailed at least 3 times. When I was in 9th grade, his brother He looked up to was jailed as suspect for attempted murder. When knowing him he would also make fun of my sibling's pronouns and tried to seperate me from my mom. He also would talk about about a future with me saying he wanted me to be a housewife and wanted full guardianship of me saying that I wasn't capable of making any decisions for myself because I had disabilities (autism and severe depression)
During the summer between 8th and 9th grade, for about 3 weeks, I was at C's house. One time he had to do the dishes and I wanted to help so he repetitively smacked me with a pillow. It didn't hurt and it was only a pillow but it was not playful. When I was sick with covid for a week and could not come. C said it was my mom's fault. When I was at his house in the beginning, he took me to his room and had me take off my clothes. I have never said no to him so I did it. He then took off his clothes and said he wanted to have set. I said no to him for the first time and gave the excuse that I didn't want a teenage pregnancy at 14, but I really didn't want to. He begged and got really close but didn't fully penetrate. The next day I came and he bought condoms and my excuse was void. I didn't want to the first time and was corosed. It might have been rape, I'm not sure. The 7 times after that I was still corosed but I ended up liking it, but looking back on it it disgusts me. In 9th grade, he would touch my chest area during class which made me uncomfortable and I didn't like.
Towards the summer between 9th and 10th grade, C texted me saying he wants to break up and that it is my mom's fault. Then he emailed me apologizing and begging me not to go, and i responded saying that I was feeling hurt, so he texts my mom threatening to kill me. I was very traumatized from that threat and hav still never gotten over it.
Misalanious stuff and stuff i forgot to add
During some time in high-school, I forget which grade, my mom got a notification from the school saying that I was to be pulled out of the district because I "lived in other town" and my mom would be fined $100 for each day I was "in the district illegally" I infact do not live in other town so my mom looked into it and found that it was my lame excuse for a father's address, and that my father somehow managed to change my address when he wasn't supposed to. Thankfully my mom changed it and i was not kicked out of the school or fined.
In 7th grade, when I was in my father's care, he lied to the doctors saying I had tics, when it was stimming because of my autism. So I was put on a medication for tics, but after only being put on it for a day, I suddenly started to gasp for breath. It felt like my throat was closing up and started coughing wierd. So I was taken to the hospital and was taken off the medication. They gave me oxygen and said that it was a reaction to the medication. It was probably because I didn't need the medication.
Throughout my life, I have never had many friends. In kindergarten through 3rd grade, I blindly followed the first girl that I met on this intro to kindergarten day, ill call J. In 4th grade, these 2 boys, L and D befriended me and I stopped following J. 4th and 5th grades were probably some of the best of my life considering everything. L, D and me were always together those two years. Im still in contact with D but he goes to the north high school in my district and I go to the south one.
For most of my life, I have experienced bullying. In elementary school, most of the girls would talk behind my back, and middle school there was incidents at different placements I wrote about before. In high school, spasifically 10th and 11th grade, people would bully me for having a fragrance allergy, they would say "spritz spritz" like the sound of a spray bottle and do the hand motion you do when you are spraying something around me. One girl even directly spayed perfume in my face in 10th grade. People in high school would also make fun of my autism and noise sensitivities, yelling or barking really loud in my ear in the hallway. One time, someone yelled in my ear in the hallway and I freaked out and fell down the stairs and got my leg caught between the stairs and the wall.
12 grade, I haven't experienced any bullying, or I just don't let it bother me. I even made some friends in the second semester. A, who is have known since 5th grade but was not that close before, and a new guy.
In most ways, my life has gotten better, my self-esteem has improved, I no longer think im a bad person, I have new friends, I haven't run into that guy from 8th grade at all this semester, I'm more confident, and I have a clear goal for the future, i want to teach English in japan as an ALT. drowning in my depression. I fear regressing. I have bad thoughts, they never went away,even after 7 years. but I'm afraid to tell anyone because I fear going back to the mental hospital. But I also feel like no mater what I do, no matter what improvements I make, the thoughts won't go away. It's not like I don't feel happy though, I feel happy often.
But i want to die. I know I'd be throwing away my future but I can't keep living. I'm planning on killing myself on August 31, 2026. either by drowning or hanging, not sure yet.
