I've struggled with BPD most of my life. And recently, things have gotten so much worse than before. I don't even know where to start. Let's get the basics out of the way, I am failure. At least, I've always felt so. My parents weren't in my life much at all (bio mom and dad) and I was adopted by my great grandparents. I pretty much kicked it off not being wanted by anyone, so that's pretty dope I guess. For years I've struggled and attempted many times to CTB. I've failed a few, others I couldn't do it. I'm scared of the pain I will cause others... I don't care about myself really, I never have, I also don't like sitting here feeling sorry for myself. But anyways... I recently moved to another state on a whim with my Uncle. I've been at home doing nothing for the past year since I graduated school, I haven't really had any options, and finding a job where I lived was very difficult since everyone is hiring but nobody is accepting lol. So- what was supposed to be a visit to see family and what not, turned into me and my Uncle ending up homeless as his life seemingly unravelled under what feels like is my fault (at least for the extra added stress). Since I've gotten here it's been nothing but problems, honestly... I considered myself relatively stable, I stopped cutting myself and other forms of SH I would do such as burning myself January with the help of my girlfriend- whom I will talk about later soon. But... Everything has fallen apart, and I've got everyone telling me different things, I found out my "extended" family (being I've been gone since 2018, we used to all be so close, now that's far fetched) really doesn't give two fucks about me, which I've always figured but now I know the extent of it. Me and my Uncle have been ostracized from the family pretty much... I'm lost, I don't know what to do anymore, I am tired, this isn't even 1% of it... If I sat here and truly wrote everything I'd never be able to finish. But me and my girlfriend have been having issues recently... For months and months all I have done is forgave her and asked her to communicate things with me, the consesus now is that is too far fetched because she swears up and down she tries and I'm tired of it. I feel like a second option sometimes, and when I talk to her about my problems she just shuts down and stops talking to and then says she doesn't know how to help me- but... I'm not ASKING her to help me, I just want someone to be there... Yet sometimes when I feel bad and I go to her she gives the usual script of oh I hope you feel better, maybe a few frowns :( while I type out shit and then she fucks off and goes to VC or do her own thing- like cool... But my issue is 90% of the time she doesn't communicate things with me. Last night, she was afraid if she left I'd feel bad or we'd argue- like... ???? She wanted to do her own thing, she could have just said so... And she told me something that honestly broke my heart, she felt scared to leave... Like... Come on... Sometimes I do get mad at her- but she does the same shit over and over no matter how many times I tell her. I just give up, I always try my best to be there for her, even when I'm at my worst I would do ANYTHING for her.... But telling me something I've asked her many times to tell me is crossing the line. Now back to life- things are all over the place, I am practically homeless right now, my suicidal thoughts that used to be priodic over the last few months has pretty much been and everyday thing and I ended up relapsing about two weeks ago (I didn't do much, I felt horrible, I felt so fucking guilty...), I haven't done anything since but everyday it's a constant battle with myself, I don't know how to describe the damn pain I feel... I feel like I can't explain myself well and it just leads to issues, like with my Uncle we have an issue everyday it feels like, to be fair he used to do drugs like PCP and he's always had very bad anger problems, but I'll do the smallest mistake and he'll blow it up it feels like I am forced to be the perfect human or else I get chewed out. Example: I got paid (I got a job doing programming for his ex-father in law that was impressed upon meeting me and offered me a job at 20/hr as an Intern for him), and he handed me an amount and said 470. So I figured he wanted me to take out 470 from my check (Which BTW, I was OKAY with, as we are trying to help each other and he was going to buy some green (if you get my jist) to flip) - I did that, I apologized for taking so long as I had to do two transactions (ATM limit of $400 per transaction, it was at Wawa) - Then he goes bro, I told you to count that and bring it up to 470... So great, I fucked up, took out $470, then I got chewed out and when I tried to defend myself and say like hey, you just said 470 he popped off on me about how blah blah blah that I said this and that- ALL he told me was $470... I even repeated it back to him, "Take out $470" "Yes" 
So yeah... I don't know what to do anymore, I've been overwhelmed at 1000% for the past two months as it's been about two months since I've left. Sometimes I think to myself I want to go back but I am scared to fuck my Uncle over, especially seeing that a few days ago he ended up cutting mom off (my great grandma whom is his mom) - Which I realized makes him my great uncle- but I am too lazy so I just say Uncle/Tio. But yeah... Idk what to do, the thoughts have been bad... I don't even know how to describe it honestly... It's like I think about cutting myself, and I can feel it, I can feel the cold metal on my skin, I can feel my warm blood dripping... Just thinking about it. I want to so fucking badly, honestly, I just want to kill myself. I'm scared of the pain I'll cause others... I'm so tired though... I don't know how much longer I can truly go.
Oh btw, over that $470 thing, he was so pissed and angry at me, when we drove over a bridge he talked about how I made him want to jump off of it, etc. Then, our Cousin called and he's talking to him and he's like, "Yeah X accidentally took out $470 so we're just gonna get more bud" - Like... Cool...
So yeah... I don't know what to do anymore, I've been overwhelmed at 1000% for the past two months as it's been about two months since I've left. Sometimes I think to myself I want to go back but I am scared to fuck my Uncle over, especially seeing that a few days ago he ended up cutting mom off (my great grandma whom is his mom) - Which I realized makes him my great uncle- but I am too lazy so I just say Uncle/Tio. But yeah... Idk what to do, the thoughts have been bad... I don't even know how to describe it honestly... It's like I think about cutting myself, and I can feel it, I can feel the cold metal on my skin, I can feel my warm blood dripping... Just thinking about it. I want to so fucking badly, honestly, I just want to kill myself. I'm scared of the pain I'll cause others... I'm so tired though... I don't know how much longer I can truly go.Oh btw, over that $470 thing, he was so pissed and angry at me, when we drove over a bridge he talked about how I made him want to jump off of it, etc. Then, our Cousin called and he's talking to him and he's like, "Yeah X accidentally took out $470 so we're just gonna get more bud" - Like... Cool...
