Gaga786
The Odds Are Never In My favour
- May 3, 2020
- 470
I was conceived by a set of parents whose IQ was subpar. My mother suffered from an inferiority complex due to her failing all her classes as compared to her peers. As a result, she internalised quite a lot of her resentment and feelings to herself, and she would express it onto me and my siblings. I recall and often ruminate of the vivid images of my mother hitting herself, banging her head onto walls, screaming, and crying. I often contemplated myself to be the issue that accompanied my mother; I thought at a very young age that its best if I die, so my mother doesn't feel that way or express that behaviour
My father was only accustomed to work - given that his own father passed away early- and neglected me, in particular,. I don't remember much of my father acknowledging my mother or me, he was too immersed and engrossed in the whole idea of working hard for the family. Upon closer inspection, I believe he didn't provide me any sort of affection. He was just showcasing his presence financially. However, the same family that he was providing for (including my uncle and my aunts) applied intense pressure onto my mother which impelled her to express her frustration onto me and my siblings. My uncle didn't work that intensely and was present for his family– catering to their needs– whilst my own father was delved in work: living abroad most of the time. In retrospect, I believe I was neglected and my father's side of the family leached of his hardwork while he never cared for us with the exception of finance. Throughout of my life, he has victim blamed, immediately support the other person when they wronged my mother and would never validate our feelings.
Furthermore, my school life was excruciatingly painful. My mother wanted to help another child and his mother, a teacher in the same school, by allowing her to drop of him at our house so he can go to school with me. He started bullying me right away and would spread rumours about me in school.For instance, he promulgated the idea that im pathetic, and this caused everyone else in my class to further exacerbate the scenario. I would inform my mother about the boy's antics yet she didn't do anything. He would come to our house and expose me to porn when I was in grade 4. He sexually assaulted me ( which I later suppressed) that developed into a far intense issue.
The teachers were obdurate pertaining to his behaviour, and the other students joined in as well. I also didn't do well in school because of the neglect– I had no-one to help me with my homework. I was placed into tuition periodically whilst none of my parents even bothered to check my assignments or my marks. They simply didn't care. I was bullied by my peers to the point that I had very few friends and I began to seek comfort being alone. Break was a nightmare for me, since I would be alone or be chased around by others. One incident that caused me extreme anguish was when my bullies took a took a sharp object and groped me with it. I was disgusted and felt violated. The teacher didn't care and her response was " bullying takes place In every school". I was dubbed to be the school's failure due to my egregious grades. I admit that I might have done some things which would have made others uncomfortable, but I was just a child as were my peers. I don't hold much resentment towards them, but its just the trauma that seeps through and triggers me.
Summary:
Feeling subdued, being the loser and a punching bag for everyone else in my life. I really want the pain to cease. Theres not one skill or task that im adroit in; I just can't function anymore.
My self esteem is inferior
I have a stutter
my confidence is mediocre
My IQ is low
Im gay in a muslim society where there is sheer exceptions of males
I can't marry or have children
Victim blaming
My parents never wished to stand up for me. Their response was to be simply "ignore"
The list continues
At the end of the day, I have to concede that I should be grateful for my life and that other people's scenarios are much worse than mine; however, no matter how many times I reiterate that to myself, it doesn't ease my suffering
My father was only accustomed to work - given that his own father passed away early- and neglected me, in particular,. I don't remember much of my father acknowledging my mother or me, he was too immersed and engrossed in the whole idea of working hard for the family. Upon closer inspection, I believe he didn't provide me any sort of affection. He was just showcasing his presence financially. However, the same family that he was providing for (including my uncle and my aunts) applied intense pressure onto my mother which impelled her to express her frustration onto me and my siblings. My uncle didn't work that intensely and was present for his family– catering to their needs– whilst my own father was delved in work: living abroad most of the time. In retrospect, I believe I was neglected and my father's side of the family leached of his hardwork while he never cared for us with the exception of finance. Throughout of my life, he has victim blamed, immediately support the other person when they wronged my mother and would never validate our feelings.
Furthermore, my school life was excruciatingly painful. My mother wanted to help another child and his mother, a teacher in the same school, by allowing her to drop of him at our house so he can go to school with me. He started bullying me right away and would spread rumours about me in school.For instance, he promulgated the idea that im pathetic, and this caused everyone else in my class to further exacerbate the scenario. I would inform my mother about the boy's antics yet she didn't do anything. He would come to our house and expose me to porn when I was in grade 4. He sexually assaulted me ( which I later suppressed) that developed into a far intense issue.
The teachers were obdurate pertaining to his behaviour, and the other students joined in as well. I also didn't do well in school because of the neglect– I had no-one to help me with my homework. I was placed into tuition periodically whilst none of my parents even bothered to check my assignments or my marks. They simply didn't care. I was bullied by my peers to the point that I had very few friends and I began to seek comfort being alone. Break was a nightmare for me, since I would be alone or be chased around by others. One incident that caused me extreme anguish was when my bullies took a took a sharp object and groped me with it. I was disgusted and felt violated. The teacher didn't care and her response was " bullying takes place In every school". I was dubbed to be the school's failure due to my egregious grades. I admit that I might have done some things which would have made others uncomfortable, but I was just a child as were my peers. I don't hold much resentment towards them, but its just the trauma that seeps through and triggers me.
Summary:
Feeling subdued, being the loser and a punching bag for everyone else in my life. I really want the pain to cease. Theres not one skill or task that im adroit in; I just can't function anymore.
My self esteem is inferior
I have a stutter
my confidence is mediocre
My IQ is low
Im gay in a muslim society where there is sheer exceptions of males
I can't marry or have children
Victim blaming
My parents never wished to stand up for me. Their response was to be simply "ignore"
The list continues
At the end of the day, I have to concede that I should be grateful for my life and that other people's scenarios are much worse than mine; however, no matter how many times I reiterate that to myself, it doesn't ease my suffering
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