Well, it's my first post here... I'm not sure if the label is correct...
Anyway, I made a series of mistakes in my CTB today...
Today I was determined, I thought constantly: Whatever it takes!
I learned a lot, however...
Anyway, I made a series of mistakes in my CTB today...
I tried some times in 2024 to access my radial artery, and jump from the car. However, people arrived and then I was forced into treatment, in a way it worked for about 2 years, until a recent tragedy made me give up once and for all.
I tried again a few weeks ago to access my radial artery, however, even taking morphine and keeping the blade inside my arm to continuously break clots, while searching for the artery, I ended up fainting from hypovolemic shock after a while (It was a bit funny because just before fainting the bleeding stopped completely and I was confused, I cut my finger and no blood came out either, for 1 second I thought I had already died or was hallucinating...). Curiously, the pain from the cut isn't even the worst (Maybe because I took 80mg of morphine), the shortness of breath, neck stiffness, nausea, drowsiness, headache and uncontrollable thirst is what actually makes everything torturous. I imagine if I had managed to rupture the artery all this wouldn't be a problem...
Today I was determined, I thought constantly: Whatever it takes!
So i decided to change focus to hanging. I prepared the noose (Slip knot, they said, although I can't understand the difference between hangman's knot and slip knot for this), I sat on the stool whose height was almost enough to hang me. I theorized that if I waited to faint from morphine "semi-overdose" (100 mg) it would be enough. 30 minutes later and I was just groggy, but nothing about passing out.
So I went to plan B, tourniquet: without removing the noose from my neck, I tied a drawstring from my shorts around my neck and used a 50cm rod as a winch for the improvised tourniquet, the cord broke! I took another cord from another shorts, the cord broke! I tied the 2 broken cords to have 2 layers and... It broke again!
So I went to the drawer and took 2 shorts, with thick fabric cords, I tied both and put them on my neck. However, as I had already been frustrated so many times I hesitated for a few minutes... It's kind of tense when you prepare for death, go all in hoping it ends and fail 3 times in a row!
But even so I went, tightened it and immediately my legs became numb and loose and I passed out for 1 micro second (?), but I don't know why (Maybe the rope loosened?), I woke up. But it wasn't a simple waking up, when I passed out I think I hallucinated something about kitchen, so when I woke up I felt a desperation to go to the kitchen. When I finished removing the loop from my neck I no longer remembered the reason for the desperation. I was trying to understand the situation, but I think it must have been some brain/mind self-preservation mechanism that activated (?), I had never felt that before.
So I went to the drawer and took 2 shorts, with thick fabric cords, I tied both and put them on my neck. However, as I had already been frustrated so many times I hesitated for a few minutes... It's kind of tense when you prepare for death, go all in hoping it ends and fail 3 times in a row!
But even so I went, tightened it and immediately my legs became numb and loose and I passed out for 1 micro second (?), but I don't know why (Maybe the rope loosened?), I woke up. But it wasn't a simple waking up, when I passed out I think I hallucinated something about kitchen, so when I woke up I felt a desperation to go to the kitchen. When I finished removing the loop from my neck I no longer remembered the reason for the desperation. I was trying to understand the situation, but I think it must have been some brain/mind self-preservation mechanism that activated (?), I had never felt that before.
So I thought about plan B of plan B, I took another 40mg of diazepam, hoping their synergy would make me pass out.
Someone came home and knocked on my bedroom door, I had to hide everything in a hurry and say I was just lying down. Then came the disaster. When the person left, I only remember heading to my bed (I need to get to the bed to then sit on the stool), but when I was woken up by someone almost breaking down the door (FIVE hours later) I was in my bed, without noose, without tourniquet, without memory of lying in bed and without understanding what had happened... My theory is that when I sat on the bed to go to the stool I fainted, although I don't know what happened to the tourniquet... I'm sure no one entered there because the door was locked from the inside.
Someone came home and knocked on my bedroom door, I had to hide everything in a hurry and say I was just lying down. Then came the disaster. When the person left, I only remember heading to my bed (I need to get to the bed to then sit on the stool), but when I was woken up by someone almost breaking down the door (FIVE hours later) I was in my bed, without noose, without tourniquet, without memory of lying in bed and without understanding what had happened... My theory is that when I sat on the bed to go to the stool I fainted, although I don't know what happened to the tourniquet... I'm sure no one entered there because the door was locked from the inside.
I learned a lot, however...
