Minjas
Member
- Oct 5, 2025
- 34
Going in and out of treatment from the age of 12 to 18 has left a huge impact on my overall life, especially my education.
I have, more or less, thought about suicide throughout my teenage years, going from "maybe one day" to an actual attempt, 4 of them more precisely.
While I didn't plan on living very long, I still had good days on which I made goals for the near future, one of them was a good education.
I was rejected from medical high school and got into a gymnasium instead (idk about the study program in the rest of the world but in my country it's 8 year of elementary school and 4 years of high school, after which comes university, usually at age 19).
During the first year of high school I made another attempt due to a severe depressive episode, after which I was locked up in jail aka the psych ward like a criminal for 9 very miserable months.
I didn't have contact with my family and I was underage so my whole fate was controlled by the system. I asked to finish my year while in hospital but got a stupid nonsense response.
After I got back to my hometown (31st November 2022) my generation was already a year ahead of me while I was trying to get accepted in the second semester of a medical and economic school, both were rejected without any further response.
I asked the social workers to apply a request to the country's capital for them to give me a special approval or whatever, they said they are in contact with my psychiatrist and "working on a solution".
Long story short it took them almost half a year to type a document reading "education of a child with special needs" which I received with the instruction to go with it to the country's capital. I threw it in the bin and attempted suicide again, ending up in the ward for the millionth time.
I lost my education, something that is the most important thing for most young people, therefore I lost my future. At my age I should've already been second year of university, yet I work as a domestic worker trying to earn for my living all alone at age 20, watching people my age graduate and complain about how "life is hard" all because they have the privilege to study in a university, which I would kill to have.
I cut off a friend who was complaining about her medical studies, how she will "kill herself if she fails this exam" after which I came home and threw a tantrum out of hatred and jealousy towards that bitch. I don't care if she meant it to piss me off or not, I'd rather sit with my worst enemy than to sit with her at the same table again.
She hurt me with a few words more than anyone else.
I am in first year of high school at age 20, learning online. But nothing will be able to replace the 6 years I lost and I am well behind everyone in my generation and death is easier for me than being asked the question "what did/do you study, what do you do for a living?"
I don't want to continue this anymore, I can't. I can't imagine a life without my dream career which was taken from me by my severe depressive episodes and the system. I can't imagine going on like this for 4 years until I might have a chance at university. Even then, I will never be able to work in a medical field due to my fucked up mental health and constant on-and-off (now more on) wish to die.
I am a person without future, without potential, without a chance, without worth, without support. All I know in life is this endless psychological torment and lost hopes. I don't know what I am even waiting for to ctb because I have every damn reason to do so.
I have, more or less, thought about suicide throughout my teenage years, going from "maybe one day" to an actual attempt, 4 of them more precisely.
While I didn't plan on living very long, I still had good days on which I made goals for the near future, one of them was a good education.
I was rejected from medical high school and got into a gymnasium instead (idk about the study program in the rest of the world but in my country it's 8 year of elementary school and 4 years of high school, after which comes university, usually at age 19).
During the first year of high school I made another attempt due to a severe depressive episode, after which I was locked up in jail aka the psych ward like a criminal for 9 very miserable months.
I didn't have contact with my family and I was underage so my whole fate was controlled by the system. I asked to finish my year while in hospital but got a stupid nonsense response.
After I got back to my hometown (31st November 2022) my generation was already a year ahead of me while I was trying to get accepted in the second semester of a medical and economic school, both were rejected without any further response.
I asked the social workers to apply a request to the country's capital for them to give me a special approval or whatever, they said they are in contact with my psychiatrist and "working on a solution".
Long story short it took them almost half a year to type a document reading "education of a child with special needs" which I received with the instruction to go with it to the country's capital. I threw it in the bin and attempted suicide again, ending up in the ward for the millionth time.
I lost my education, something that is the most important thing for most young people, therefore I lost my future. At my age I should've already been second year of university, yet I work as a domestic worker trying to earn for my living all alone at age 20, watching people my age graduate and complain about how "life is hard" all because they have the privilege to study in a university, which I would kill to have.
I cut off a friend who was complaining about her medical studies, how she will "kill herself if she fails this exam" after which I came home and threw a tantrum out of hatred and jealousy towards that bitch. I don't care if she meant it to piss me off or not, I'd rather sit with my worst enemy than to sit with her at the same table again.
She hurt me with a few words more than anyone else.
I am in first year of high school at age 20, learning online. But nothing will be able to replace the 6 years I lost and I am well behind everyone in my generation and death is easier for me than being asked the question "what did/do you study, what do you do for a living?"
I don't want to continue this anymore, I can't. I can't imagine a life without my dream career which was taken from me by my severe depressive episodes and the system. I can't imagine going on like this for 4 years until I might have a chance at university. Even then, I will never be able to work in a medical field due to my fucked up mental health and constant on-and-off (now more on) wish to die.
I am a person without future, without potential, without a chance, without worth, without support. All I know in life is this endless psychological torment and lost hopes. I don't know what I am even waiting for to ctb because I have every damn reason to do so.
