Love triggers me and I don’t know what to do about it

[cptsdfugue]

Anyone else have love as a trigger? Or feel like they don't know if they can even love given their past? I find that when I see people displaying public affection or seeming very close or even hearing about people in relationships heavily triggers me and makes me really suicidal (though I do have BPD so this might just be me). I'm lesbian (and non binary) and I've associated relationships with pain (especially lesbian ones). TLDR for what happened to me: I was crushing on my best friend who was my favorite person but she found someone better than me and my BPD shaped heart was broken. Then we have this girl who got diagnosed with far more things than me and got help earlier for her less severe depression, she somehow got a girlfriend and was comfy in her identity while I wasn't able to get a girlfriend and affirm my identity. Oh also my best friend had like 10 people (no seriously) crush on her while I've had one I don't believe in lmfao. Just thinking about my friends being queer, even outside of my best friend, makes me feel sick because I feel like a fraud in that I've never had a girlfriend so I can't "prove" I'm lesbian, nor can I prove my actual feelings because I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling love given my trauma. I'm sick of it, really, seeing people know that they're in love and able to get something I don't have. I feel somewhat guilty since whenever anyone brings up love or any part of their sexuality I get really triggered and suicidal because it's something I'm not capable of understanding for myself. Anyone else feel similarly? Want to know that it's not just me who feels triggered about love, because everyone and their dog around me has had a relationship or something adjacent, and I just… haven't. If you know someone or've felt something similar, how do you guys cope with this? I feel like I spiral and go berserk the more I think about it

If you want to know my background, I've made 3 posts here so far, I'm Asian non-binary and 18, about to be a sophomore in college

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Anyone else have love as a trigger? Or feel like they don't know if they can even love given their past? I find that when I see people displaying public affection or seeming very close or even hearing about people in relationships heavily triggers me and makes me really suicidal (though I do have BPD so this might just be me). I'm lesbian (and non binary) and I've associated relationships with pain (especially lesbian ones). TLDR for what happened to me: I was crushing on my best friend who was my favorite person but she found someone better than me and my BPD shaped heart was broken. Then we have this girl who got diagnosed with far more things than me and got help earlier for her less severe depression, she somehow got a girlfriend and was comfy in her identity while I wasn't able to get a girlfriend and affirm my identity. Oh also my best friend had like 10 people (no seriously) crush on her while I've had one I don't believe in lmfao. Just thinking about my friends being queer, even outside of my best friend, makes me feel sick because I feel like a fraud in that I've never had a girlfriend so I can't "prove" I'm lesbian, nor can I prove my actual feelings because I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling love given my trauma. I'm sick of it, really, seeing people know that they're in love and able to get something I don't have. I feel somewhat guilty since whenever anyone brings up love or any part of their sexuality I get really triggered and suicidal because it's something I'm not capable of understanding for myself. Anyone else feel similarly? Want to know that it's not just me who feels triggered about love, because everyone and their dog around me has had a relationship or something adjacent, and I just… haven't. If you know someone or've felt something similar, how do you guys cope with this? I feel like I spiral and go berserk the more I think about it

If you want to know my background, I've made 3 posts here so far, I'm Asian non-binary and 18, about to be a sophomore in college

Perhaps it means you're not quite ready for a relationship. Trauma related to love can really mess you up. It sounds to me like you attach your worth to other people, or compare it to them. I know what it's like to feel inadequate after heart break and I honestly haven't found a way to cope with it. I too hate seeing happy couples, it feels humiliating even if they have nothing to do with me. Only thing I can think about is, don't try to seek validation through casual sexual interactions, at least in my experience it messed up my view on love.

 

[yume_]

Can't give you any advice sorry... Hope you can find love :)

For me, I relate a lot. I never had a relationship and I think I've been fed way too much romanticized media so love has always been a trigger. It has come to a point that whenever I see a person I am attracted to I immediately start having self depreciating / suicidal thoughts. The closest thing I got was the talking stage wth a girl, but she was too good for me lol.

Tho it's probably different for me since i am not pursuing love so whenever I see that girl or someone attractive I just remember myself the reasons I have for giving up on love •_•