Venting Just another vent

[Gsvko]

I'm sorry, all I do on this forum is vent and complain, but there is nobody I can talk to, I don't trust anyone, I don't think I'm helpable and I don't care if anyone reads, I just have to say it.

I have so many opportunities coming my way, and so many people who care about me that have no idea about the shit I'm in.

Today I got a casual job offer from a very reputable place, a man from the same town who's seen me as a child, knows my reputation and what I'm normally capable of. I haven't seen him in years, but he knows my father and I know his son. I never really talked to him a lot, but I've helped him with some things and I always felt like he's jealous of my father for having me as a daughter, he'd complain about his son all the time and him and his wife would send me gifts which was a bit creepy, but rich people.

I feel like such a damn failure. I'm so far from the person I once was. So many people thought I'd become someone. It'll be such a shock when I kms. I hate it. I hate that anyone has to know about my suicide. I wish I could just erase myself completely, I wish I never existed. I wish I wasn't this ashamed. If only things were different, I would take that job and it would be wonderful, a dream come true. But I just can't. I can't. I want to die

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering, I wish that I could just disappear as well. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are struggling, this life is so tiring and depressing. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I wanted to reply sooner, you remind me vaguely of someone and then I can also relate to a lot. What's the job like? Also it's absolutely okay to vent or complain, especially if it helps even just a tiny bit.

I feel like such a damn failure. I'm so far from the person I once was. So many people thought I'd become someone. It'll be such a shock when I kms. I hate it. I hate that anyone has to know about my suicide. I wish I could just erase myself completely, I wish I never existed. I wish I wasn't this ashamed. If only things were different, I would take that job and it would be wonderful, a dream come true. But I just can't. I can't. I want to die

I can relate with all of this. I look back and I honestly miss who I was. I still wanted to die back then, but I sometimes tried to be a better person than I am and I actually had interests and hobbies. Now I'm just a dull existence that brings suffering to others. Even doing things I still feel I'm failing. It's so draining to live like this and never get a break from ourselves. I don't know your story but perhaps you could learn about the job. Maybe it'd be worth a shot. If nothing else if you're stuck here a while it could fill the time. If not, that's fine as well, just thoughts from a random internet person. I too wish I could just erase myself, I don't want to cause anyone harm and I hate that by doing what I desire and what I think is best for myself, it invariably will hurt others. Why are you ashamed and what things would have to be different? Just curious, I apologize I don't think I've seen you post before so I don't know your story so to speak. You don't have to answer if you don't wish to.

In my current job it's like someone else's dream job, and I hate how I can't enjoy it or make the most of it. I'm sure someone else could. It comes back to what you said - I can't and I just want to die. I have no idea how to properly "live" like this. Such a confusing, painful existence. I'm sorry you're suffering so much as well.

 

[Gsvko]

I wanted to reply sooner, you remind me vaguely of someone and then I can also relate to a lot. What's the job like? Also it's absolutely okay to vent or complain, especially if it helps even just a tiny bit.


I can relate with all of this. I look back and I honestly miss who I was. I still wanted to die back then, but I sometimes tried to be a better person than I am and I actually had interests and hobbies. Now I'm just a dull existence that brings suffering to others. Even doing things I still feel I'm failing. It's so draining to live like this and never get a break from ourselves. I don't know your story but perhaps you could learn about the job. Maybe it'd be worth a shot. If nothing else if you're stuck here a while it could fill the time. If not, that's fine as well, just thoughts from a random internet person. I too wish I could just erase myself, I don't want to cause anyone harm and I hate that by doing what I desire and what I think is best for myself, it invariably will hurt others. Why are you ashamed and what things would have to be different? Just curious, I apologize I don't think I've seen you post before so I don't know your story so to speak. You don't have to answer if you don't wish to.

In my current job it's like someone else's dream job, and I hate how I can't enjoy it or make the most of it. I'm sure someone else could. It comes back to what you said - I can't and I just want to die. I have no idea how to properly "live" like this. Such a confusing, painful existence. I'm sorry you're suffering so much as well.

It's comforting to know that someone can relate.

Job is great: paycheck, environment, dynamics. But I'm a corpse. I was mostly touched by how he remembered me, it triggered memories of what I was and thoughts of what could have been in an alternative scenario.

I can relate to what you're saying as well.
Also thought about suicide since forever, but before because life felt empty, like a boring game, in my case due to not being able to emotionally connect, out of fear. Now it's opposite, overwhelmed by emotional pain. A wreck with no tools. I find it embarassing.
Turning point for me was opening up to wrong people, against my instincts. Too much therapy influence I'd say.

Yeah, I hate how impossible it is to explain to someone, I wish I could not hurt anyone, I feel like there will be so much speculation and false conclusions.

I'm also sorry. Sorry you feel stuck as well.
Confusing, painful - agree with those words. I wish I could say something useful.
I don't know your story either btw.

Ty