jellyduck
New Member
- Jun 24, 2025
- 2
im just ranting because i so badly need to get it off my chest but i just havent been able to. not my girlfriend, not my psychologist, no one. i am 18 living in a care home and i have had no form of education for god knows how long but its because i literally cant. no birth certificate, no form of id, im just stuck and everyday the thought to just end it gets worse. living with bpd and other chronic mental illnesses is horrible too. im splitting on everyone i know and its gotten to the point i dont care about anything anymore. i feel sick about the world and everything in it, theres nothing worth doing here and theres no point. i cant get medicated either because the doctor i have refuses to treat my mental state and wont do anything. i wanted help for so long but i never got it and now im just giving up again. i dont even lie with my parents anymore why do i still feel like this. i wanna relapse js to feel something, anything. ive been smoking way too much pot then im meant to but god its the only thing that keeps me sane. my head never ever ever shuts up though no matter what drugs im on or how i feel. if im in a good mood its still there. im scared for my sister because she still lives wth my parents but she doesnt want to leave because she "loves them" ive been though it with my parents before . they just guilt trip you into staying as long as you can. my father does anyway. i dont know how to feel about my mum, yes she abused me but in a way i dont blame her completely?? i guess i just feel bad for her and the circumstances she was in but i need to remember that it effected me too, probably alot more then it did them. i cant forgive her but i cant apologise to her so ive js been kind of ignoring any form of contact she has with me. i mean its not really like it matters anyway, she should never have been able to contact me at all after i was taken away. im also really disappointed in child safety for not getting me or my sister out of the god damn house sooner, it was so obvious we werent healthy. the house was hoarder central and it smelt. we smelt. we didnt have any fucking soap so we js had to sit in our own retched smell, and child safety thought its fine, theyre just being dramatic. we werent, turns out my dad had been raping me in my sleep for years and no one knew because of my memory gaps and dissociation. jeez i shouldve realised something was wrong with me then. my dads still not in jail btw !! he still lives with my sister and my mum, i am unhappy and i want to go and kill him and then myself. if i am going to kill myself im taking him with me, he doesnt deserve the freedom of live (although hes barely alive hes on so many support machines its not funny LOL)
i know my sister wouldnt be happy with me about it but id be saving her, and i want to save my girlfriend from myself. im a horrible person. im so snappy all the time and it seems like i dont care about her. i care, i care so much and i love her so much but im damaging her. everyday she spends with me she gets worse but she threatens to ctb if i leave her so i dont know what to do, do i just end it atp? idk im ranting too much sorry gang
i know my sister wouldnt be happy with me about it but id be saving her, and i want to save my girlfriend from myself. im a horrible person. im so snappy all the time and it seems like i dont care about her. i care, i care so much and i love her so much but im damaging her. everyday she spends with me she gets worse but she threatens to ctb if i leave her so i dont know what to do, do i just end it atp? idk im ranting too much sorry gang
