birdie8
sorting through my thoughts
- Jun 7, 2025
- 27
For my (F24) entire life I've struggled with my mental health - I have bipolar, OCD, and severe PTSD. This is not the first time I've had suicidal intentions nor the first time I've expressed this to my family and friends. Yes, I am taking several medications for my mental health.
The past 5 years things have been going great with no suicidal ideation or depression, and everyone has been really happy for me. I thought I finally found a place where I could be myself, despite what obstacles I have had to overcome. I managed to stay consistent and graduate with my bachelor's, land my dream job, adopted a cat who is my child, build an amazing group of friends and meet the love of my life. I thought things were going pretty good, then my mom died two years ago throwing me into a deep depression. The stress of that caused (what felt like) an overnight rapid development of symptoms related to an autoimmune disease.
The person I am today is a shell of who I was a year ago. I've lost all sense of who I am as a person, and who I want to become. I am in immense physical pain everyday to the point where I need a mobility aid to move, and I deeply mourn the loss of my mother (though we had a very complicated relationship). But in all honestly, as silly as it sounds, what's killed me is my hair. In the past two years I've lost almost all the hair on my head. Yes, I'm aware of how vain this is. Yes, I have gone to doctors. No it is not reversible, they have done biopsies and have told me it is scarring. No, am not looking for advice on this - I have researched and tried everything that has been recommended to me by doctors and online forums.
It has wrecked me. This has worsened my depression and sunken me to such a deep place, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I've lost my mom, and I've lost myself. It's mentally agonizing to see myself in the mirror. To have to sweep up my hair that falls like rain. To shower, run my hands through my hair and have strands of it stick to my hands. To endure comments from family members. To have people at work, behind my back, joke about it. To look in the mirror and see my scalp, gaps in the crown and hairline. To look back on old photos and mourn how it used to look. To be embarrassed to step foot on public, so deeply unconfident in myself.
Maybe to most it's silly to have something so unimportant and vain be a breaking point, but this has truly robbed me of what little I had keeping me together. I'm so depressed over this, I want out. I certainly don't want to be in physical pain anymore, but I don't want to mentally suffer anymore either. I'm disgusting looking. Im depressed. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on a realistic wig, I want ME back. I see no future in which I'm happy with this. I want to crawl into a hole. I hate myself so deeply I want to die. This plus my mom's death has destroyed my progress in regard to my mental health. My fiancé has reassured me he still finds me beautiful, my friends try to cheer me up and distract me, and my parents do everything in their power to comfort me. But no one will swoop in and save me from this. This is permanent and I have obsessed over this.
I do not have the willpower to make any effort to change my life or improve my life in any aspect anymore, I don't even see how I could improve this situation anyways. I've spent countless nights trying, grasping at straws to find a solution or a path forward from these health problems, but looking forward I see nothing for myself. I'm fucking disgusting. I look awful and sickly. I have not tried to hide how I feel AT ALL, I've bluntly expressed my suicidal thoughts to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. That I am having intense, reoccurring thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation. No one is taking me serious when I tell them I have intentions on taking my life due to the nature of my concerns, they think I'm being dramatic and erratic. It always comes back to 'Are you taking your medication?' or 'Don't think so negatively about myself.' or 'It's just hair.' I understand everyone has their own lives, it's no one's job to take care of me but my own. I just wish someone would understand how devastating this is to me.
I'm going to take my life. My family owns firearms, I stole some ammunition from my father. Sometimes he leaves his pistol out on the counter or on his dresser. I live with my parents, every week on Thursday my family, fiancé and I go out to dinner 30 minutes away. I'm taking the next few weeks to get my ducks in a row and prepare for my passing. When I'm ready, I'm going to wait until Thursday, stay home from dinner, go into the backyard and do it. I don't care about the consequences or what comes after my death, I won't be around to deal with it. I am selfish, I am vain and I want relief. Sue me.
The past 5 years things have been going great with no suicidal ideation or depression, and everyone has been really happy for me. I thought I finally found a place where I could be myself, despite what obstacles I have had to overcome. I managed to stay consistent and graduate with my bachelor's, land my dream job, adopted a cat who is my child, build an amazing group of friends and meet the love of my life. I thought things were going pretty good, then my mom died two years ago throwing me into a deep depression. The stress of that caused (what felt like) an overnight rapid development of symptoms related to an autoimmune disease.
The person I am today is a shell of who I was a year ago. I've lost all sense of who I am as a person, and who I want to become. I am in immense physical pain everyday to the point where I need a mobility aid to move, and I deeply mourn the loss of my mother (though we had a very complicated relationship). But in all honestly, as silly as it sounds, what's killed me is my hair. In the past two years I've lost almost all the hair on my head. Yes, I'm aware of how vain this is. Yes, I have gone to doctors. No it is not reversible, they have done biopsies and have told me it is scarring. No, am not looking for advice on this - I have researched and tried everything that has been recommended to me by doctors and online forums.
It has wrecked me. This has worsened my depression and sunken me to such a deep place, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I've lost my mom, and I've lost myself. It's mentally agonizing to see myself in the mirror. To have to sweep up my hair that falls like rain. To shower, run my hands through my hair and have strands of it stick to my hands. To endure comments from family members. To have people at work, behind my back, joke about it. To look in the mirror and see my scalp, gaps in the crown and hairline. To look back on old photos and mourn how it used to look. To be embarrassed to step foot on public, so deeply unconfident in myself.
Maybe to most it's silly to have something so unimportant and vain be a breaking point, but this has truly robbed me of what little I had keeping me together. I'm so depressed over this, I want out. I certainly don't want to be in physical pain anymore, but I don't want to mentally suffer anymore either. I'm disgusting looking. Im depressed. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on a realistic wig, I want ME back. I see no future in which I'm happy with this. I want to crawl into a hole. I hate myself so deeply I want to die. This plus my mom's death has destroyed my progress in regard to my mental health. My fiancé has reassured me he still finds me beautiful, my friends try to cheer me up and distract me, and my parents do everything in their power to comfort me. But no one will swoop in and save me from this. This is permanent and I have obsessed over this.
I do not have the willpower to make any effort to change my life or improve my life in any aspect anymore, I don't even see how I could improve this situation anyways. I've spent countless nights trying, grasping at straws to find a solution or a path forward from these health problems, but looking forward I see nothing for myself. I'm fucking disgusting. I look awful and sickly. I have not tried to hide how I feel AT ALL, I've bluntly expressed my suicidal thoughts to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. That I am having intense, reoccurring thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation. No one is taking me serious when I tell them I have intentions on taking my life due to the nature of my concerns, they think I'm being dramatic and erratic. It always comes back to 'Are you taking your medication?' or 'Don't think so negatively about myself.' or 'It's just hair.' I understand everyone has their own lives, it's no one's job to take care of me but my own. I just wish someone would understand how devastating this is to me.
I'm going to take my life. My family owns firearms, I stole some ammunition from my father. Sometimes he leaves his pistol out on the counter or on his dresser. I live with my parents, every week on Thursday my family, fiancé and I go out to dinner 30 minutes away. I'm taking the next few weeks to get my ducks in a row and prepare for my passing. When I'm ready, I'm going to wait until Thursday, stay home from dinner, go into the backyard and do it. I don't care about the consequences or what comes after my death, I won't be around to deal with it. I am selfish, I am vain and I want relief. Sue me.
i totally agree, men fall into despair all the time for losing hair. My brother did also, before going to Turkey to get a transplant, and now he's reasonably happy. But for women it can be worse and it probably is worse. I wonder if the transplant option could be viable. Im a lazy ass person and struggle enough with mental health to really consider it though. All i can say is that hopefully the love of others reach out to you and that you - and me - can feel at peace with our changed self. It's always traumatic but people go on while being disfigured by their loved ones or with terrible physical conditions that happen suddenly... i try to get inspiration from them. There's just so much we can do, eh. Anyways, i hope you'll find a community here who can cheer you and make you feel welcome:) if you ever wanna talk, you can dm me.
