Venting It's so hard.

[Hearth_56]

Back and forth everyday. I know exactly how I'm going to do it and I know I will be capable of going through with it. I just can't escape the ambivalence. I want to fucking die and I feel no fear of death but the fear of failing is what keeps me in limbo. I'm terrified of failing and ending up disabled, or ending up fine but having to deal with the forced hospitalization and shame that accompanies a failed attempt. I just need to break out of this fucking cage like so many of my online peers have. I've talked to so many people who have actually done it and I'm envious of them. Completely free from this world and it's pointless concerns and stresses. The eternal impenetrable wall between them and everything else Is what I so desperately want to put up. I don't care for life really, and there's no point in trying to achieve anything in a world that i'm wholly indifferent towards.

Cowardice? haha no. The eternal state of rest that non-existence provides is comforting and kind to us, it's abstract concept in our minds a soothing tune played over the abject suffering of life. Only the strongest among us can shed their skin and cross over to the plane.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry your are going through all of this. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[adios]

Back and forth everyday. I know exactly how I'm going to do it and I know I will be capable of going through with it. I just can't escape the ambivalence. I want to fucking die and I feel no fear of death but the fear of failing is what keeps me in limbo. I'm terrified of failing and ending up disabled, or ending up fine but having to deal with the forced hospitalization and shame that accompanies a failed attempt. I just need to break out of this fucking cage like so many of my online peers have. I've talked to so many people who have actually done it and I'm envious of them. Completely free from this world and it's pointless concerns and stresses. The eternal impenetrable wall between them and everything else Is what I so desperately want to put up. I don't care for life really, and there's no point in trying to achieve anything in a world that i'm wholly indifferent towards.

Cowardice? haha no. The eternal state of rest that non-existence provides is comforting and kind to us, it's abstract concept in our minds a soothing tune played over the abject suffering of life. Only the strongest among us can shed their skin and cross over to the plane.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard and I totally understand your fears about failure. If you don't mind me asking, what's your method? Is it one that is over quickly or does it take a while? Is it possible to distance yourself from people so you aren't found?
Thinking of you...

 

[Hearth_56]

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard and I totally understand your fears about failure. If you don't mind me asking, what's your method? Is it one that is over quickly or does it take a while? Is it possible to distance yourself from people so you aren't found?
Thinking of you...

Full suspension hanging from a rafter. Can't really do it anywhere else since there's no where near me where I can ensure that:

1: It will be impossible for me to grab onto anything after I've kicked the chair
2: No one will find me for at least 20 minutes.

 

[faust]

If you fear something, it does not mean you are a coward. I would recommend you to do a little bit more research, knowledge is power if you know what you do.
Fear of failure is well-known to me, it ate so much nerves because I was worrying too much, it is normal. It would be a challenging thing to overcome, but if you do that towards CTB, you will make it in life as well.

 

[faust]

@Hearth_56 Then there is no need to rush. If you are currently on quarantine, then no need to risk like that. Let me be patient - that's what I often tell myself.