evrlastingsea
Member
- Aug 2, 2026
- 31
I already have almost everything ready. I have SN and other essentials ready in my room, just a few meters a way from me. my desired end is always so close.. i don't think i'll have that much to regret if i were to do it right now. i already had a week in mind, by the end of the year, so people can leave me in this year.
but i have this fear. what if there really is an afterlife?
i grew up religious. i went to islamic school for 12 years. and of course, some religion always talks about afterlife and the fact that we have to pay for what we've done in the mortal life. how our mortal is not the true "life". how the purpose of living is just for us to save up good merits for the afterlife.
i really hated that idea. why would i want another life when everything i desire is to stop living?
but of course, it's permanently stuck in my head. i'm not even religious anymore, but i have failed 3 attempts from that sudden fear of the unknown. what if there *is* something after this? i tried to rationalize myself, why do i have to trust something like that? but the fear is always there.
even if there's a god, i don't know why it'll be a huge sin to end it, if it's not because of me 'wasting' the life that god has given me. even in my second failed attempt, i had my nurses talk about afterlife while scolding me. it ended up being the biggest thing that holds me back from another attempt. but then, living with this constant fear also hurts so bad.
do i have to keep living with constant pain and fear? do i really have to be grateful of this shitty life that has been given to me, and not end it all?
but i have this fear. what if there really is an afterlife?
i grew up religious. i went to islamic school for 12 years. and of course, some religion always talks about afterlife and the fact that we have to pay for what we've done in the mortal life. how our mortal is not the true "life". how the purpose of living is just for us to save up good merits for the afterlife.
i really hated that idea. why would i want another life when everything i desire is to stop living?
but of course, it's permanently stuck in my head. i'm not even religious anymore, but i have failed 3 attempts from that sudden fear of the unknown. what if there *is* something after this? i tried to rationalize myself, why do i have to trust something like that? but the fear is always there.
even if there's a god, i don't know why it'll be a huge sin to end it, if it's not because of me 'wasting' the life that god has given me. even in my second failed attempt, i had my nurses talk about afterlife while scolding me. it ended up being the biggest thing that holds me back from another attempt. but then, living with this constant fear also hurts so bad.
do i have to keep living with constant pain and fear? do i really have to be grateful of this shitty life that has been given to me, and not end it all?
