I ruined my life. Hope I will end it soon

[StuckLikeARat]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

 

[witchcraft]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

"I ruined my life."

Maybe I'm wrong here, but you didn't choose your depression in childhood, or the unresolved mental issues, addictions and traumas of your parents / the rest of your family. When examining all this through the lens of cause-and-effect, I have a hard time concluding that you caused any of that.

I doubt you hoped and actively plotted to be misunderstood, lonely, and sad ever since you were little. To not know what love is.

It's fine to recognize that the decisions you made as a result of such an upbringing during those formative years further sabotaged yourself, but I just thought it might be a... worthwhile experiment to reframe things a bit. I don't think anybody wants to end up in our positions, let alone our younger selves.

Of course, I don't mean to gaslight you or presume I know your life and personal experience better than you do. This is just my view from the outside.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, obviously I would do things very differently. I think that's the case for most people here. Only the people who manage to make it out the other side of this Hell can say shit like "I wouldn't change a thing, it all made me who I am today." But when you don't get that Hollywood redemption arc, the comeback opportunity / underdog moment, going back in time and doing things differently feels like the only way out. So in other words, there is no way out, because going back in time isn't possible and going forward in time will change nothing for the better.

 

[StuckLikeARat]

"I ruined my life."

Maybe I'm wrong here, but you didn't choose your depression in childhood, or the unresolved mental issues, addictions and traumas of your parents / the rest of your family. When examining all this through the lens of cause-and-effect, I have a hard time concluding that you caused any of that.

I doubt you hoped and actively plotted to be misunderstood, lonely, and sad ever since you were little. To not know what love is.

It's fine to recognize that the decisions you made as a result of such an upbringing during those formative years further sabotaged yourself, but I just thought it might be a... worthwhile experiment to reframe things a bit. I don't think anybody wants to end up in our positions, let alone our younger selves.

Of course, I don't mean to gaslight you or presume I know your life and personal experience better than you do. This is just my view from the outside.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, obviously I would do things very differently. I think that's the case for most people.

Thanks for your message.

That is the deterministic (yet realistic) view I take regarding others, but one I struggle to apply to myself—at least not fully.

I could have simply hurt myself—or perhaps indirectly harmed others—but no, I made a conscious choice to manipulate and use people, right from childhood.

I inflicted trauma on people who had done nothing to deserve it.

I wish I had seen life differently, but deep down, I knew the harm I was causing.

 

[witchcraft]

Thanks for your message.

That is the deterministic (yet realistic) view I take regarding others, but one I struggle to apply to myself—at least not fully.

I could have simply hurt myself—or perhaps indirectly harmed others—but no, I made a conscious choice to manipulate and use people, right from childhood.

I inflicted trauma on people who had done nothing to deserve it.

I wish I had seen life differently, but deep down, I knew the harm I was causing.

In a general sense, I suppose that I can relate.

And actually I think the majority of people with moderate self-awareness can as well. The difference is usually in how hard one is on themselves, I have found.

I don't know if selfishness can be escaped, technically / pedantically speaking. But not all selfishness is equal. Paying someone to get what you want from them (their time, their labor, their knowledge, their abilities, their resources) isn't the same as enslaving them and beating them until they give it to you. There came a time when I realized that I needed to temper my own selfishness to make room for the selfishness of others and be selfish together. I've found that one's self-interest can often be aligned with the self-interest of somebody else. Things aren't always so neat-and-tidy but that's the basic idea at least.

 

[fadedghost]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

have you considered www.na.org?

 

[StuckLikeARat]

have you considered www.na.org?

I don't take drugs anymore so no