Venting It won’t stop

[wealllovesodium]

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself, I can have the best day ever, I can hang out with my boyfriend, I can go on a walk and enjoy the pretty scenery, I can hang out with my group of friends. But no matter what I do it's always in my mind and I want it stop, I want it all to stop. I don't understand why healing my way of thinking isn't faster, I've stopped cutting, I've started eating more, I'm on anti depressants, I go to therapy every other week. I don't get it anymore, why can't I just feel good without wanting to die, what makes us as humans want to die, what drive this urge to not exist anymore. It's so fucking tiring to the point. I've noticed how it affects other people but why can't I notice how it affects me. I want to wrap my car around a tree constantly, the only reason I refuse to let my mom in the car when I drive is so I don't get impulsive and kill her with me. Why can't I just get better.

 

[2messdup]

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself, I can have the best day ever, I can hang out with my boyfriend, I can go on a walk and enjoy the pretty scenery, I can hang out with my group of friends. But no matter what I do it's always in my mind and I want it stop, I want it all to stop. I don't understand why healing my way of thinking isn't faster, I've stopped cutting, I've started eating more, I'm on anti depressants, I go to therapy every other week. I don't get it anymore, why can't I just feel good without wanting to die, what makes us as humans want to die, what drive this urge to not exist anymore. It's so fucking tiring to the point. I've noticed how it affects other people but why can't I notice how it affects me. I want to wrap my car around a tree constantly, the only reason I refuse to let my mom in the car when I drive is so I don't get impulsive and kill her with me. Why can't I just get better.

I think it's the last thing to disappear when you're recovering, because it's harder than hell for your head to close that escape route. I think it happens slowly for many people. A very brief moment once that maybe ctb can wait or isnt necessary. Then gradually you get more of those moments and/or for longer. But while you're still recovering maybe your head needs that knowledge of a way out if you need it. From what you've said, you're doing so incredibly well, it's awesome and I truly wish you all the best
Edit: do you journal? I find it helps cos I can look back and see differences,even if they're small.

 

[river_birch]

I'm sorry you feel bad.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself, I can have the best day ever, I can hang out with my boyfriend, I can go on a walk and enjoy the pretty scenery, I can hang out with my group of friends. But no matter what I do it's always in my mind and I want it stop, I want it all to stop. I don't understand why healing my way of thinking isn't faster, I've stopped cutting, I've started eating more, I'm on anti depressants, I go to therapy every other week. I don't get it anymore, why can't I just feel good without wanting to die, what makes us as humans want to die, what drive this urge to not exist anymore. It's so fucking tiring to the point. I've noticed how it affects other people but why can't I notice how it affects me. I want to wrap my car around a tree constantly, the only reason I refuse to let my mom in the car when I drive is so I don't get impulsive and kill her with me. Why can't I just get better.

A healing process of any kind is slow and takes time. What was the trigger that made you initially suicidal? Imo there is not that one exact point in our lives when we became suicidal - that is process of constant problems (health, misery, bad conditions , conditions we don't like and many more) Have these conditions and circumstances changed completely or is it juts coping with what surrounds you and still triggers you?

It's really highly complex and not that easy to heal.

You can get better mentally but a major point if not the major point is to know what makes you mentally ill at first.

It's not like a broken leg - there was an accident -> leg broken - surgery/gypsum and wait for a few weeks, physiotherapy -> walk again. Mental issues are far more complex!

 

[vitbar]

For me it was a combination of finding the right medications, and putting the things I learned in therapy to work over a long time.

The thoughts become well worn and habitual. It takes work to redirect your mind, and time for those redirected streams to form new paths that hold. I still get the ideation at times, but it isn't as heavy, and is far less often.