Venting Is this guilt?

[unkempt2]

I've been planning-location, obtaining resources etc...but then this sense of-something- I don't want to use the word guilt but this thought pops into my head about my kids. I don't feel bad, I feel annoyed.
I'm not special- neither are they...millions of people grow up without their mothers-right?
I have my letters written and a clear understanding what sort of impact ctb will be on them they are all under age 10.

I shared with my spouse once and he just looked at me bewildered. He still can't understand how I can think like this. It seems so dramatic and overproduced (life) I just don't want to participate any longer.

 

[jackodonnell]

When you're suicidal nothing matters to you. For months my friends and family have meant nothing to me. They could live forever or die tomorrow and I wouldn't care. My aunt said there was a time when she felt nothing for her children. It's natural. At least they'll still have a father. It's not like they'll be orphans.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that non suicidal people will never be able to understand as they are not suicidal themselves. I also want nothing to do with life and I have never wanted to be alive in the first place. To me, life just seems so pointless and unnecessary. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry you feel that way. It must be hard being a mother of several kids. You considered taking a break, some time for yourself like a vacation or visiting someone. That might take some steam off. Is there something in your life missing or some sense of unfulfillment? Or maybe pain, depression... Maybe this state can improve. Your family would miss you dearly. Ever tried communicating your feelings better with your husband, at least tried to get yourself back together.

 

[unkempt2]

Sorry you feel that way. It must be hard being a mother of several kids. You considered taking a break, some time for yourself like a vacation or visiting someone. That might take some steam off. Is there something in your life missing or some sense of unfulfillment? Or maybe pain, depression... Maybe this state can improve. Your family would miss you dearly. Ever tried communicating your feelings better with your husband, at least tried to get yourself back together.

I have. I struggled with mental illness for a while. I used to cut when I was younger. Still do from time to time to relieve some of the physical aspects I feel. I've failed ctb once in my 20s I tried to hang myself and was locked up for 3 years. Been feeling the same since but deathly afraid to speak the words. A looooong fight in the mental health department.
I am hopeful because never have had someone say "oh yeah I feel like that too." without trying to shove meds down my throat that turn me into a zombie or lock me away.
I truly am grateful for this community.