Is it weird that I want to be depressed?

[StarsAbove]

I am still depressed but not enough to try anything. I almost want to be more depressed so I could go through with it because it has always been a thought at the back of my mind. Instead right now im in a moderately depressed state and I feel like I have to press on because of it. I wish I were severely depressed so that I could take the easy way. Living is really tough and I know that if I continue to choose to live, its going to be a tremendous amount of work. Im willing to do it if would be worth it, but I am so worried that its not. I have gone through periods of my life where ive done a tremendous amount of self reflection and personal transformation and I guess I can be proud for trying and healing a few things, but It hasnt taken away the deep hatred I have for myself or my inability to connect deeply with others. I really hoped things would get better by now but I just turned 38 and its kind of hard to hold onto hope at this point. Im going to keep trying but im not excited about it.

 

[maryn]

i have these exact same feelings. anytime i my life gets better, or i feel comfortable, i feel sad that i am not struggling for something. my best guess would be that i want people to feel pity for me? or at least sadness towards me, those are better feelings to face that any other ones. i guess it is also because being depressed is the "normal" way your body feels, after being it for so long, and it feels very odd to be out of your comfort zone, distressing, even.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

I think we as humans are hard wired to seek extremes in general. Total love, or no love at all. Nobody wants to be just somebody. I think it's the same with mental health, and valid so. There's nothing worse than to suffer terribly, yet not have the strength to end it, one way or another.
After a long time depressed also, to be sad and miserable is where your comfort zone lies, and it's always difficult to change.
Shit just sucks man

 

[StarsAbove]

@maryn
I think you are right, it is comfort zone. I hear what you are saying. It sounds like you want your pain to be acknowledged, for others to empathize with what you are going through and show that they care.
@PugnaEnjoyer2137
Yes, I do tend to be a black and white thinker and seek extremes. It is really hard to get out of the depression! Its almost like physics. When your body and mind have reached a standstill, its a lot harder to develop forward momentum again, but so much easier to keep going when you are already keeping your life in motion.

 

[nayomi]

that kinda the part of living, no matters how much good you can give to yourself you have to be acceptance of pain at some point

 

[NZkiwi]

I am still depressed but not enough to try anything. I almost want to be more depressed so I could go through with it because it has always been a thought at the back of my mind. Instead right now im in a moderately depressed state and I feel like I have to press on because of it. I wish I were severely depressed so that I could take the easy way. Living is really tough and I know that if I continue to choose to live, its going to be a tremendous amount of work. Im willing to do it if would be worth it, but I am so worried that its not. I have gone through periods of my life where ive done a tremendous amount of self reflection and personal transformation and I guess I can be proud for trying and healing a few things, but It hasnt taken away the deep hatred I have for myself or my inability to connect deeply with others. I really hoped things would get better by now but I just turned 38 and its kind of hard to hold onto hope at this point. Im going to keep trying but im not excited about it.

its more common than you think.

maybe its less want to be depresses and possibly more seeking comfort in familiar thoughts and feelings - in this case depressive thoughts. Humans are creatures of habit.

I am also proud of you for trying and healing

keep on going

//