Venting Hate the idea of living or dying

[HaibaneRakka]

Im still not over my current stuff and I feel that alot of my issues are really difficult to solve if they even are. I wish I had the structure of a school enviornment again, I wish anyone would let me volunteer, I wish there was a job I could happily do. I feel like in a way my time to fix things has passed and im sorta stuck where I am in life but I really wish I could move forward in some way that matters to me. Earlier this week I was really intent on planning a ctb attempt but I keep realizing I dont have it in me. Reasons for this are the fact Im too emotionally unstable to make such a extreme decision as well as I dont see any active threats other then just extreme depression and overal unhappyness with the way my life is the main thing to is my fiance is too caring to leave and in some ways I hate that? Like im weak to in the sence I find hurting myself really hard and its like I feel upset over this because the suicidal ideation wont go away and I dont feel I can live or die so instead it rots me from the inside. I also wish I could have close irl friends

 

[timf]

Thinking about suicide can become a reflex that interferes with other thoughts. For example, someone might find themselves in a situation where they need to experiment with different things to find some work or activity that is enjoyable or satisfying. However, thoughts of suicide can arise that in effect say, "Why bother". As a result one can find themselves left in a continuing state of dissatisfaction.

 

[NZkiwi]

Im still not over my current stuff and I feel that alot of my issues are really difficult to solve if they even are. I wish I had the structure of a school enviornment again, I wish anyone would let me volunteer, I wish there was a job I could happily do. I feel like in a way my time to fix things has passed and im sorta stuck where I am in life but I really wish I could move forward in some way that matters to me. Earlier this week I was really intent on planning a ctb attempt but I keep realizing I dont have it in me. Reasons for this are the fact Im too emotionally unstable to make such a extreme decision as well as I dont see any active threats other then just extreme depression and overal unhappyness with the way my life is the main thing to is my fiance is too caring to leave and in some ways I hate that? Like im weak to in the sence I find hurting myself really hard and its like I feel upset over this because the suicidal ideation wont go away and I dont feel I can live or die so instead it rots me from the inside. I also wish I could have close irl friends

yeah i get the part of when you have external structure e.g. school being stabilising. i truely hope you can find structure and routine that works for you

keep speaking up, your voice is being heard (or at least read) on this thread even if people are lurking lol

wishing you all the best