Introduce yourself

[DannyDuarco]

Hey y'all. My name is Dan, I'm 40-something. I live in a major west coast American city. Just killing time until I walk out of this existence. On the surface, my life looks OK; wife, teen daughter, decent work (ER nurse).
But my whole existence is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it's getting old. Stuck paying rent in a failing capitalistic hellscape of a "democracy," bearing witness to evil and institutional apathy writ large on a daily basis. Waiting to succumb to the inevitable decrepitude of old age. I get my thrills off other people's literal trauma at work, and bring myself down with weed, booze and the occasional bike ride. Absent those coping mechanisms, I am a ball of rage, shame and self-hate. The weed usually helps.

Lately I've been getting palpitations when I ride and I hope it's an impending massive coronary.

I hide these feelings well, though my wife has suspicions. I'm always the jokester at work, happy face, supportive. I've gotten so used to the mask that it feels effortless.

Probably going to wait until my parents are gone and daughter old enough to cope ( and make use of my retirement savings ) before I go out into the woods and put a .357 to the spot just behind the ear.

 

[whywere]

I am flying without feeling, so I am just floating.

Walter

 

[sunbleachedfliess]

hi!! i'm a non binary lesbian in my 20s, have been severely chronically ill for 2 years and my hope of ever getting better is fading. i have had mental health struggles my whole life but i was doing so well before i got sick but now i don't see a future where i can be happy given how sick i am. before i got sick i loved going to raves, dancing, playing video games, going for long walks and exploring my city, but now i'm mostly bedbound, housebound on good days. i still love literature and movies and music and i'm glad i found this community

 

[deaddog]

Hi I don't want to use my name on here, do you can just call me deaddog. I'm 29, in the USA, and am miserable. My dog is my whole world and when he closes his eyes for the last time so will I.

 

[whywere]

hi!! i'm a non binary lesbian in my 20s, have been severely chronically ill for 2 years and my hope of ever getting better is fading. i have had mental health struggles my whole life but i was doing so well before i got sick but now i don't see a future where i can be happy given how sick i am. before i got sick i loved going to raves, dancing, playing video games, going for long walks and exploring my city, but now i'm mostly bedbound, housebound on good days. i still love literature and movies and music and i'm glad i found this community

WELCOME and so nice having you here.

I hope that you find all the love and caring that this place has to offer.

Lots of well wishes and caring thoughts always.

Walter

 

[D'Amboise]

23, guy, you can call me Ambosie. I don't know why I picked that profile name, it's just the first thing that came to me. I'm regretting picking it. From the United States, east coast. Currently reside in the southwest.

I write, essays to poetry to fiction. Maybe I'll post some if I can get over cringing at everything I write.

I read a lot, and I will read anything out of curiosity. I wish I could say I had unique tastes in authors, but I don't. My current favorites are Cormac McCarthy, David Foster Wallace (even though he was a massive dick and has a annoying fanbase), Dostoevsky, and Sylvia Plath.

I really enjoy movies, mostly old and foreign ones. I honestly like any genre of movies. My controversial cinema opinion is that Tarantino is technically competent but his movies suck. Inglorious Bastards was ok at least.

Honestly I like anything esoteric, obscure and bizarre (not gore or anything like that though) i like going on old websites and looking at how internet culture has evolved and shaped us.

My cringiest interest is definitely video games, some anime and manga. I'm very picky about what manga I like, I mostly enjoy short, one short manga. I don't like manga or shows that go on forever unless they clearly have a reason too. I play a wide variety of stuff, I like multiplayer games where you can just bullshit with people. I don't like most shooters.

Im definitely forgetting stuff but this is already way to long.

I have had multiple incidents in my life that probably contributed to me wanted to kill myself.

But the truth is I wanted to kill myself before before anything bad even happened in my life. I first tried in 4th grade, there was no reason, I just felt like life was pointless. I felt nothing from life, the little nihilistic shit I was. I don't think I'm even nihilistic, i think life is great and worth it for other people, just not for me.

Nothing came of it and decided to live out life to see if it gets any better. To see if I would feel different. I never did. Everything just feels the same, it all feels endless, like I've been living the same day forever, never changing.

Almost a decade ago I picked twenty-five to be the age I decide to finish what I started.

 

[Done_with_the_world]

Hello, you can call me done if you want, I don't really care.

I'm a female that has lived with chronic ptsd, depression, and borderline with psychotic symptoms for 13 years. I guess I'm here because this is a pretty relatable site. And because I don't know if my therapy will work. I have no direction in life, and didn't think I would live past 17, but here I am I guess.

 

[SPiriTX]

Hi,

I am a simple guy who doesn't enjoy and excpect anything from life anymore. As someone who is completely decided to CTB but still looking for the best available option, i therefore consider this site as an absolute gold mine.

 

[Tuonetar_]

I'm 25F, in the USA. I named my account after Tuonetar, the goddes of the underworld in Finnish mythology. My profile picture is a close up of The Lovers by Finnish artist Akseli Gallen-Kallela. My signature is a reference to The Underking in The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall.

I stumbled upon this site on accident, but it's been a relief to find a place like this. I don't have anyone to talk to regularly so it's nice to have a space where I can be honest. I haven't ironed out all my plans yet, so I'm mostly here to mutter into the void until then.

 

[folly_]

hi all, i just go by folly on here, im a young adult from the US
i like making art and electronic music (vocaloid anyone? lol), started art school but ended up dropping out. i found this site through that tantacrul video but i used to have an old account that i can't remember the name of unfortunately! feel free to talk to me im your friendly neighborhood autistic trans nerd (´ρ`)

 

[graveface]

I'm graveface. I have bipolar disorder. I put on a happy, sparkly face and sometimes it's even real, but am depressed enough to have found this site. I can't tell people how bad the suicidal ideation gets because I don't want to bother them, or because they'd flip out and try to hospitalize me. The honesty here is refreshing.

I'm an omnivorous reader, I write fiction even though it's a waste of time for me to do so, and am an amateur contortionist.

 

[pukiechan]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

haii im pukiechan or pukie real names are for real friends im 22 girl out of convenience but they/them is fine.
im a depressive suicidal schizo retard and i love cute things of all kinds as well as loud hard fast music (emo rock, nu metal, black/death metal, jrock, breakcore, hardcore, hyperpop, nightcore, lolicore, vocaloid)
currently pc isnt fully setup in new place but i also like video games, i briefly got to try the mh wilds beta on my bf's pc and im hyped. otherwise once i have my pc ill get back to mh iceborne, bg3, dos2, sdv, maybe ffxiv or bdo, league if i hate myself.
i like anime too, especially cute anime girls.
im a socially inept brainlet but i crave human connection so dont be a stranger. (especially if youre a girltard like me)

 

[lost_one]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hi, I am 26 woman from Brazil.

Deeply depressed...
Hate Myself Deeply...

I have a really hard time enjoying things, as I don't think I deserve to enjoy them. Idk. I want to be happy, and loved, but I don't think either will ever come to pass. Don't have anyone, so I am very lonely.

 

[merryberry]

Hi, I'm a 20 yo girl who wants to be a paramedic. I'm into women but I'm too depressed for a relationship anymore. I own a cute cat with my roommate. I love making flower origamis, painting, reading chinese poems, divination, learning mandarin and zen buddhism. I also am really into touhou. I've struggled with isolation and mental health my entire life and have seen death in my family as a kid

 

[Omnia131]

Yo.
I'm a 26 failure to thrive who should have hopped off this planet a decade ago.
Have a terrible sleep schedule, caffeine addiction and depression.

 

[crowghost]

hey, i'm jay, 31/nb. not really sure what to say here but i'm new and want to introduce myself if that's alright. i'm here because i've lost everything in the past couple years, including any hope for things to get better for me, and i found this forum and like what it seems to stand for. thinking about trying to ctb in the next few months but i've been really isolated for a long time and it sounds nice to talk to some people who really understand first and learn more reliable relatively peaceful methods too because i've attempted before and failed and don't want to go through that again. i'm disabled, live alone with my cat, and get through my days mostly with substances, music, and video games tbh, it's a boring life but i'm down to chat with anyone that can relate or just wants to say hi. nice to meet you all, i hope every one of you finds peace in some way or another.

 

[supergold#2]

hi y'all, i'm autumn, late-20s/f, sapphic. been a looong time off and on user of the site, coming back after several months away.
i play guitar (plus a lil piano), played in a few emo and hardcore bands over the years, but really just like sad stuff the most these days
(current favs: julien baker, frightened rabbit, frail body, oathbreaker)
i also love cooking, despite that i haven't been doing it very actively recently. was in the industry nearly 14 years, spent time as a sous chef in high end at one point, but generally just have always been fascinated by food.
diagnosed basically the full alphabet, though most notably bpd, ptsd, and bipolar 1 are the reason i'm here.
been in active psychosis (where i just constantly hear my "old upstairs neighbors" from my last apartment constantly narrate/critisize me) which hasn't been fun, but neither are the meds i've been on (just started thorazine and vraylar, been on seroquel, cymbalta, focalin and depakote for a while now, plus other hormonal stuff), and basically the whole thing I've learned from years and years of clinical/hospital settings is that nothing feels good or probably ever will again (thanks 17-19yo me, for all the molly you took that most likely caused this lmao), and my body really likes giving me akathesia any chance it can get.

planning to ctb sometime soon-ish, though idk when, but been ready to go and made my peace for close to 2 years now.
i've never been one for well laid out plans, i just kinda go with the flow. like, could be tonight i ctb, could be next year, or even next decade, but idk, all i know is im gonna use ol' reliable (fent + barbituates), bc last time i tried with a similar combo, and it was incredibly gentle.

anyways, just here to hang out in the meantime, i tend to word vomit, and don't have any actual irl friends, but i promise im nice!

 

[RiverOfLife]

Hi, I'm RiverOfLife. Anybody who follows the Marvel TV shows can guess why. I am almost 60 but due to severe failure to launch will need to keep working for many years if not the rest of my life.
I have major issues with executive function which have made it impossible for me to plan ahead and try to get them treated.
I would be able to keep working (probably) but recent political developments have put my job at risk. I'm too old to get new work, too depressed to learn anything new, and I feel useless.
I'm glad I found this forum so I can talk about my feelings without getting the usual BS - "permanent solution to a temporary problem " type slogans . But also you have recovery resources and it seems like folks here are genuinely happy when people decide living is the right choice for them.

 

[wdiwu]

I made my about me on my profile quite good so I'll just copy paste it here

I've been wanting to die for a very long time. Can't stop thinking about it. But I'm afraid of the pain and the domino / butterfly effect on the people around me. I don't have the money for assisted suicide, supplies, or bribes. I may forever be stuck wishing for something bad to happen to me, praying to higher powers for help in dying, and being a coward staring up at tall buildings not able to take the leap of faith. Maybe this is my hell. My punishment for taking the spot of someone more deserving of this life than me.

I pray for a higher power to take pity on us all and set us free from our shared waking nightmare.

 

[never_take_my_heart]

Hey, I'm new here. :)

My main thing is that I'm resigned more than anything.

No more long term goals.

My remaining objective is to spend each day while experiencing as little pain as possible.
Keeping low profile.
Waiting for the opportunity to flee as peacefully as possible.

 

[victor_frankenstein]

Hello, I've been lurking for a while. I'm a woman, 19, Canadian.

I love gothic literature, hence my username. Initially, I wanted to name myself after the creature, but he was nameless so I decided to go with Victor, who was also 19. I've been disillusioned and fixated on death for as long as I can remember. I suffer from extreme anhedonia, been through trauma, CPTSD, social ineptitude, basically standard issue horrors that would lead someone here, dealt a comically bad hand. I've been on countless SSRIs, SNRIs, attempted therapy, etc.

I used to love art and was considered a blossoming gifted child. Besides that, I like to cope with life through music, reading, comedy, and whatever internet distractions produce the most dopamine. I don't see myself living past 25.

 

[binnychn]

Hi! I go by binny or bin. I used to be on here but forgot my password. I'm currently 19, diagnosed with bpd, major depression, and adhd.
I like to draw, watch anime, and smoke weed. My favorite color is white, I love bunnies, and I dunno.
I'm pretty goofy and very talkative so add me on discord or twt!
- Binnychn
(my art)

 

[CemeterySleeper]

Hello everyone, figured introducing myself is a good place to start. I've lurked on this site for awhile and decided to make an account. For anyone wondering about my name (might seem a little too on point, then again so are half the users here) it is actually referring to one of my favourite activities, hanging out in the local cemetery at night. I have a tree I like to sit under, my PFP is a picture I took while at my tree. It also refers to the fact that I decided if I do CTB I would like to do it at my tree. I have not made that decision yet but it is getting more and more appealing, and if I had easy access to a peaceful method might not be far away. Anyway I am up later than I wanted, unable to sleep, and was doing some research which compelled me to make an account, but I should probably try to sleep again so I will leave it at that for now.

 

[mangotango0249]

hi yall, I'm not sure if i got a lot to say. I've been lurking this site for years but now in mid 20s, i realize that all the intense abuse and mistreatments i went through in my childhood really just messed me up bad. i have no social life no family no friends etc you know what im saying. I have always felt some sort of an odd comfort while browsing this site before. I'm sorry that the world is so cruel and unloving to many of you and me. Thank you.

 

[LostLily]

Hello everyone
Sorry that you also here. I just turned 33 a few weeks ago and I'm surprised I made it that long. Thought I would be gone by 20 and then 30. I was a member of the Ash forum before it got shut down and I strangely miss the comradery and understanding people there.I hav been depressed for as long as I a remember and spent thousands trying to fix it but nothing works.

 

[TheNatureOfDying]

hi everyone.
i'm a 19 year old lesbian who is very depressed. i have thought about committing suicide many times over the years, but have never made a full plan to do so. i used to enjoy playing video games and watching anime, but now that i'm in university i find it hard to make time to do those things. music has always been a place of comfort to me no matter how i'm feeling.

thank u

 

[cctrjj]

Hi everyone! I'm 20 years old and I'm trying my best to carry on. I love my family, I love what life can be when I'm not so stuck on comparing myself to others and wishing I was neurotypical. But when I don't do that, I'm enjoying life for what it is and being grateful. The only reason I am here is because I'm suffering with mental illnesses that keep dragging me back down and I can appreciate how raw and real everyone is on this site. I don't like to be negative person and let negative thoughts overcome me, but sometimes you have to learn when to quit. I am doing this all for my family right now, shout out to them and shout out to me for being forgiving, lmao. JJ out!

 

[WeepingDragon]

Hi,
I'm an italian transgender guy in my twenties, and I'm here mostly to see if I can find a bit of solace in knowing I'm not the only one considering such an extreme action as suicide. Despite trying, and actually managing to appreciate life, I still can't find even the tiniest crumb of will to live. I just... don't want it. I mostly kept myself safe to not hurt others, but if it happens that I choose death, I'd want to be able to feel understood. And vent a bit, haha, dying is scary.
Whatever I end up deciding though, given the occasion, I'd also want to sometimes share some random trivia about space, mushrooms, music, animal caretaking, whatever! I can be a little weird alien sometimes

After almost a year since registration I'm finally writing a presentation lol, I'm an anxious mess haha

 

[Proxar]

Hi, im from Chile, in my 20s (South America), who has been sad and feeling lonely since i can remember. This years has been a very rough ones but i keep going becouse i love so much my family, but that doesnt mean i like to live, i hardly find anything that keep me going, i dont have anyone to talk about this feelings and makes me so anxious some days. I dont fear death, i dont have any problems, and the few times i tried, i almost do it, every single time, but the memories of my family always come out and stop me right there. I love playing games, watching animes, and series overall, i also love weed, but from recent illnesses i cant even do that anymore. I feel comfortable to find people who talk about this and dont make it into a weird taboo, that no one wants to talk about. Good luck yall, stay strong.

 

[witchcraft]

I don't really know where to begin.

I've given my life a deadline of no later than the end of next year. I don't know what to set for my profile picture, so I will be changing it a lot until I decide on something...

I am in my mid-twenties, with a degree in education that I am not going to use. Evidently I have no useful skills, not worth giving a chance, nothing of value to contribute... I can't find a job that's not a dead-end waste of time.

Life is just not at all what I wanted it to be. Childhood set me up for this immense disappointment with the real world, seeing behind the curtains and discovering how fake everyone and everything really is. Including me, to be fair.

My parents, dwindling number of family and friends, don't understand how I feel at all. So I guess it's time to be a statistic.

I wouldn't say my life is bad by most metrics. I am hesitant to join spaces like this because so many people have suffered much worse. But, I'm the one who has to wake up every day and live this life, in this mind and body. And I don't want to anymore. I've been abused enough.

I can imagine what a better life would look like, but it's impossible to attain, so what good does it do to torment myself with the forever out-of-reach.

I'm tired of being strung along with a carrot, getting my hopes up just to have them crushed over and over again. Like finding decent jobs to apply to, but never getting them, and now I have been out of work for a year. Or finding someone to date, only for me to eventually relapse into being a piece of shit and ruining things with that person.

I am glad to have found this place, because I can't find any other place where I can actually get information about how to end my life. I would have done it already, but I am scared I am going to mess up and go back to a mental hospital, be forced to take drugs that don't change my life or solve my problems, be turned into a zombie. That's society's idea of "help" for people like me, I guess.

I understand that literal assistance with a plan isn't allowed. That's fine with me. I just hope to meet a few nice people, fellow strugglers on this mental illness journey, in an online space that doesn't demonize or patronize suicide.

I enjoy writing fiction. I like a good story. I love anime, sex, drugs (nicotine, coke, alcohol). I used to enjoy sports but physically I don't feel able to play soccer anymore, even though I'm not that old. So now I watch sports on TV, including baseball and football.

I also love playing video games; some of my recent favorites are Persona 5 Royal, Persona 3 Reload, Ghost of Tsushima, and Tears of the Kingdom.

I would like to think I am pretty smart, at least average looking for a guy, and I am too considerate, but it's like none of my interests, positive attributes, or personal achievements matter. Life just continues to slowly, steadily go downhill. And not just in spite of how hard I try, but more like a Chinese finger trap. Meaning, the harder I try to do something positive or improve myself, the worse my life gets.

I haven't killed myself yet because I am afraid of what comes after.