Venting intellect insecurity

[secondfox2003]

i think of all my biggest problems and things i hate about myself are my intellect. i am constantly plagued with the knowledge that i'm not an intelligent person, that i'm not as smart as everyone throughout my childhood had made me out to be, and that i'm not fit for an academic career, which was supposed to be the one singular prospect in life i could've had

every single thing makes me feel stupid, even the tiniest thing like not solving a puzzle or taking too long to beat a game. and i know that it sounds like something everyone experiences, we all feel dumb for this and that but i am caused genuine distress by this every day and it severely affects my value of myself as a person.

i keep trying to somehow find ways to prove to myself and others that i'm smart but i can't. i want to learn more, read more, but it feels physically impossible to do; if it's not the executive function digging me in then it's the fact that the process of reading is really difficult to me, idk if it's an eye problem, functional illiteracy, my adhd or whatever the fuck else. whatever it is, it's a major roadblock that i have no idea how to cross, and "just keep practicing" feels impossible when i give everything up at the first sign of failure. i can't properly speak my native language because i've lived half my life abroad and it makes any conversation with me or any paper i submit sound like the ramblings of a 5 year old. i can't properly put my thoughts into words or paraphrase and convert texts into my own work or be original, i just parrot facts.

i probably am just unintelligent and maybe i'm struggling to find a way to cope with that fact. it's hard but i may have to accept that the one supposed talent i'm meant to have just isn't there, or i didn't realize my potential because i felt too confident and got lazy. it makes me feel like my life is over because honestly if you have no skills, aren't fit, and have no degree then realistically what can you do besides wageslave away. every "you can do this and that" feels pointless when you're scraping by to even get the shittiest job because of the current market, and everyone is breathing down your neck for it as if you can magically conjure employment.

 

[Set Real Goul]

I really understand that feeling. For me, it was tied to authority figures—people I wanted to live up to. It mostly happened with philosophy and cultural works. The more I learned about those subjects myself, the more disappointed I became in those people and in how much they actually knew. Eventually, it just stopped bothering me.

What does being "smart" mean to you, though? It's such a vague concept.

As for reading, I have SADHD (self-diagnosed—where I live, adults generally aren't diagnosed with it, and the medications that help aren't available anyway). I don't know what kinds of books you're into, but if a book feels impossible to get through, I just pick another one on the same topic, or even a third, until my brain eventually gives in and lets me read. I can end up reading five to ten books at the same time. It's a bit crazy and chaotic, but it works for me. The problem is that a book that was very easy to read yesterday can feel completely impossible today, so I end up constantly switching between them. You could give it a try.

 

[secondfox2003]

I really understand that feeling. For me, it was tied to authority figures—people I wanted to live up to. It mostly happened with philosophy and cultural works. The more I learned about those subjects myself, the more disappointed I became in those people and in how much they actually knew. Eventually, it just stopped bothering me.

What does being "smart" mean to you, though? It's such a vague concept.

As for reading, I have SADHD (self-diagnosed—where I live, adults generally aren't diagnosed with it, and the medications that help aren't available anyway). I don't know what kinds of books you're into, but if a book feels impossible to get through, I just pick another one on the same topic, or even a third, until my brain eventually gives in and lets me read. I can end up reading five to ten books at the same time. It's a bit crazy and chaotic, but it works for me. The problem is that a book that was very easy to read yesterday can feel completely impossible today, so I end up constantly switching between them. You could give it a try.

i agree that i'm running with a vague definition of what it means to be smart, i guess i mean the conventionally accepted form of being "bright". quick thinking, good at problem solving, well informed, so on.

i've got 0 of those traits, at least i don't feel like i do, i feel like if someone beats me to solving something or manages to do a better job intellectually (whether it's having a better solution, conclusion or opinion), then i automatically feel inferior. honestly at this point i feel like i'm fishing for evidence that i truly am incapable just to find peace with that reality, rather than working to try and improve myself.

i'll never be equal to anyone in my environment and i feel sick whenever anyone claims otherwise with no evidence, maybe it's being entitled but i can't just accept statements about myself as fact if someone can't even tell me why they believe them

 

[Set Real Goul]

Oh, I understand that too, but what helped my confidence was that I prepared and managed to solve all the tasks myself. I passed all my exams in mathematical analysis and other advanced mathematics courses on my own—the only person in my entire group who did so. Most people just bought completed solutions or copied from those who had bought them. It made me feel a strong advantage over the quickly thinking people.

As they say in my country, maybe you are a person who is "smart on the staircase" (someone who only comes up with the right answer after the moment has passed). I just want to say that you shouldn't overthink this too much. But if the problem is literally that you don't have a house, then buy a house.

 

[RawRX3]

I used to feel pretty similar, it was very frustrating for me

I think what changed for me was that I stopped trying to be smart and instead put all my skill points into being curious. I'm naturally curious and so it was a matter of me not putting emphasis in what I accomplished and more on the fact that I was seeking to understand things. Because in the end people we think are intelligent tend to be the ones that seem like they know a lot or can solve things quickly but often times you can achieve that just by being curious. You start to learn puzzle dynamics better, you begin broadening your understanding as you chase the things that pique your interests, and eventually the world map of things fills in much more richly!

Eventually I stopped caring whether I was intelligent because I was too busy being interested in everything. And people tend to think of you more so when they see you searching instead of performing, at least from what I've seen. Meeting smart people is well and good but the people that are most fun are the curious ones, doesn't matter how smart or not so they appear to be ^^

Idk if my experience could work for you but questioning why you feel like you do is definitely the right direction! I hope you can make it past your struggle soon <3

 

[Flymiamibro22]

i think of all my biggest problems and things i hate about myself are my intellect. i am constantly plagued with the knowledge that i'm not an intelligent person, that i'm not as smart as everyone throughout my childhood had made me out to be, and that i'm not fit for an academic career, which was supposed to be the one singular prospect in life i could've had

every single thing makes me feel stupid, even the tiniest thing like not solving a puzzle or taking too long to beat a game. and i know that it sounds like something everyone experiences, we all feel dumb for this and that but i am caused genuine distress by this every day and it severely affects my value of myself as a person.

i keep trying to somehow find ways to prove to myself and others that i'm smart but i can't. i want to learn more, read more, but it feels physically impossible to do; if it's not the executive function digging me in then it's the fact that the process of reading is really difficult to me, idk if it's an eye problem, functional illiteracy, my adhd or whatever the fuck else. whatever it is, it's a major roadblock that i have no idea how to cross, and "just keep practicing" feels impossible when i give everything up at the first sign of failure. i can't properly speak my native language because i've lived half my life abroad and it makes any conversation with me or any paper i submit sound like the ramblings of a 5 year old. i can't properly put my thoughts into words or paraphrase and convert texts into my own work or be original, i just parrot facts.

i probably am just unintelligent and maybe i'm struggling to find a way to cope with that fact. it's hard but i may have to accept that the one supposed talent i'm meant to have just isn't there, or i didn't realize my potential because i felt too confident and got lazy. it makes me feel like my life is over because honestly if you have no skills, aren't fit, and have no degree then realistically what can you do besides wageslave away. every "you can do this and that" feels pointless when you're scraping by to even get the shittiest job because of the current market, and everyone is breathing down your neck for it as if you can magically conjure employment.

I relate to this so much :( It's made me so insecure and hopeless at this point

 

[Ganymede]

I used to feel pretty similar, it was very frustrating for me

I think what changed for me was that I stopped trying to be smart and instead put all my skill points into being curious. I'm naturally curious and so it was a matter of me not putting emphasis in what I accomplished and more on the fact that I was seeking to understand things. Because in the end people we think are intelligent tend to be the ones that seem like they know a lot or can solve things quickly but often times you can achieve that just by being curious. You start to learn puzzle dynamics better, you begin broadening your understanding as you chase the things that pique your interests, and eventually the world map of things fills in much more richly!

Eventually I stopped caring whether I was intelligent because I was too busy being interested in everything. And people tend to think of you more so when they see you searching instead of performing, at least from what I've seen. Meeting smart people is well and good but the people that are most fun are the curious ones, doesn't matter how smart or not so they appear to be ^^

Idk if my experience could work for you but questioning why you feel like you do is definitely the right direction! I hope you can make it past your struggle soon <3

this is helpful. I've been around a lot of smart people and I feel like most of them don't do much with their intelligence.

Like for example I knew this one kid that used to be really good at math (like world championships level), but then got into a bad crowd and started valuing different things. After that he kinda lost his spark for knowledge. Other people who kept trying their best got past him academically as time went by.

So what I'm trying to say is that intelligence isn't really about innate talent, but more so about following your passion and being a bit better than the day before. Because more often than not the person that knows the most about a certain topic is the one that's been interested in it for the longest.

 

[meowpuppy]

i think of all my biggest problems and things i hate about myself are my intellect. i am constantly plagued with the knowledge that i'm not an intelligent person, that i'm not as smart as everyone throughout my childhood had made me out to be, and that i'm not fit for an academic career, which was supposed to be the one singular prospect in life i could've had

every single thing makes me feel stupid, even the tiniest thing like not solving a puzzle or taking too long to beat a game. and i know that it sounds like something everyone experiences, we all feel dumb for this and that but i am caused genuine distress by this every day and it severely affects my value of myself as a person.

i keep trying to somehow find ways to prove to myself and others that i'm smart but i can't. i want to learn more, read more, but it feels physically impossible to do; if it's not the executive function digging me in then it's the fact that the process of reading is really difficult to me, idk if it's an eye problem, functional illiteracy, my adhd or whatever the fuck else. whatever it is, it's a major roadblock that i have no idea how to cross, and "just keep practicing" feels impossible when i give everything up at the first sign of failure. i can't properly speak my native language because i've lived half my life abroad and it makes any conversation with me or any paper i submit sound like the ramblings of a 5 year old. i can't properly put my thoughts into words or paraphrase and convert texts into my own work or be original, i just parrot facts.

i probably am just unintelligent and maybe i'm struggling to find a way to cope with that fact. it's hard but i may have to accept that the one supposed talent i'm meant to have just isn't there, or i didn't realize my potential because i felt too confident and got lazy. it makes me feel like my life is over because honestly if you have no skills, aren't fit, and have no degree then realistically what can you do besides wageslave away. every "you can do this and that" feels pointless when you're scraping by to even get the shittiest job because of the current market, and everyone is breathing down your neck for it as if you can magically conjure employment.

this is so relatable, but i've gotten out of it, for the most part. i tried to be smart because it was the easiest way to gain affection and love from my parents because there was no other thing that made them love me, but then i realized that they actually never loved me at all, so i stopped..

 

[secondfox2003]

I used to feel pretty similar, it was very frustrating for me

I think what changed for me was that I stopped trying to be smart and instead put all my skill points into being curious. I'm naturally curious and so it was a matter of me not putting emphasis in what I accomplished and more on the fact that I was seeking to understand things. Because in the end people we think are intelligent tend to be the ones that seem like they know a lot or can solve things quickly but often times you can achieve that just by being curious. You start to learn puzzle dynamics better, you begin broadening your understanding as you chase the things that pique your interests, and eventually the world map of things fills in much more richly!

Eventually I stopped caring whether I was intelligent because I was too busy being interested in everything. And people tend to think of you more so when they see you searching instead of performing, at least from what I've seen. Meeting smart people is well and good but the people that are most fun are the curious ones, doesn't matter how smart or not so they appear to be ^^

Idk if my experience could work for you but questioning why you feel like you do is definitely the right direction! I hope you can make it past your struggle soon <3

this is helpful. I've been around a lot of smart people and I feel like most of them don't do much with their intelligence.

Like for example I knew this one kid that used to be really good at math (like world championships level), but then got into a bad crowd and started valuing different things. After that he kinda lost his spark for knowledge. Other people who kept trying their best got past him academically as time went by.

So what I'm trying to say is that intelligence isn't really about innate talent, but more so about following your passion and being a bit better than the day before. Because more often than not the person that knows the most about a certain topic is the one that's been interested in it for the longest.

i agree with both of those heavily, i feel like due to depression, adhd, and overall insecurity my intelligence and curiosity have atrophied turning me into a lazy overperformer and wasted potential

i feel like there was something inside here for me but it's gone now and i don't really feel passionate about anything anymore, only desperate to prove i'm capable