shesalreadygone
Per aspera...ad astra
- Mar 23, 2026
- 16
Even while being slightly ready for what's about to happen, I still... am not quite feeling the warmth and peace I once felt when I tried it for the first time.
This will hopefully be my last vent I'll be doing here, and also a goodbye thread.
If you want to know more about me or... just want anything to read, here's the ones I've done before, in order
Part I - My first public vent, I mostly just get mad at the world and talk about everything that's been happening since my previous attempts.
Part II - Still mad about not having benzos, this one is more of a philosophical pondering about doing it without them.
Part III - Shorter one, where I just update on my situation, after gathering everything I need.
So... where do I even begin? I usually like to drink water or eat something light while writting anything... since it helps with words coming in easier... and to also calm me down. But like... can't really do that anymore right? Since I'm... fasting.
I feel like this links into me talking about which method I'm gonna use. My first two attempts were in late february, where I tried the inert gas method, using helium. Those were really prone to failure and, any cracks in the setup could really make a difference. I'm still not sure what caused me to fail twice back then but... that's past already. I then thought about moving on into hanging but... that one seemed way too physical and, scary for me. So I settled on doing it with SN this time. Will be using with it an anti-emetic, propanolol, benzos and ibuprofen.
With that out of the way, I wanted to talk about how it all just sucks. It sucks that I got to where I am, and that so many of us have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else... and I still think that helping someone recover is the right thing to do. Well, it's obviously the right thing to do. I think at some point in time, between february and today, I wanted myself to fully recover. I wanted for one of my friends, a prince, to just come in and say all the right things to help me keep moving, so that we could be together again.
But I still am so hard on myself. I'm still such a hard nut to crack. It's things like these that make people end this way. So I say this to you, who is reading this. If you even so slightly doubt that you should do it, if it is even a small thought, about wanting to stay, please, please hold on to that thought, and don't let it go. It's going to be the hardest grip test you've ever been put through, but if you make it, you get to keep breathing again.
I get that this may not be for everyone, including me who, already made up my mind. And that there is people on way worse situations than me, but, well, someone out there might've been really needing to hear that.
I still am thinking about everything that has happened and... somehow the bad thoughts aren't here this time. Is this peace?
During this whole time, I've been disturbed by some twisted thoughts, which these themselves brought all of this to happen, but now? It's rare when they show up. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism that my body is doing to keep me at peace or... whatever else is happening. But I do feel calm right now.
Of course, my heart is beating a bit fast, I'm still a little anxious... but... I still feel some kind of peace around me. Back in february, I think I was calmer and more resolved than here and now. I had just finished watching anime together with a really precious friend of mine, and the episode was really good. He told me his warm goodnights, and, I don't think it could've had better closure at that time. I putted on a shirt that someone gifted me, which I wore on some very special moments (they had one equal), had my last meal, which were some cookies I really liked, went for a really small walk outside, despite being 1:00AM. Grabbed some drawings that people gave me, grabbed my favorite plushie, put on some moody tunes and... after that...
All for nothing. But this time. SN just has a much bigger success rate than inert gases (at least for me who couldn't set them up properly), but I'm just... here now. On my pajamas, waiting. It's 4:52AM and the procedure begins at 7:00AM, an hour after my roomie leaves.
What to say on my final moments? What to say... what to say. For me I don't think I have anythiung to say. But for others...
Some of my online friends have been thinking (or at least assuming) I'm dead since february, because I didn't have the courage to log in on my older accounts, and see everything. And that mantains until today. I still think it would probably be the right thing to tell them that I'm still here but... can you even imagine? Dealing with grief only for that person to come back and... go away again. I can't do this to them.
But I gave in. I talked about her on Part I of my vents, and, after it all, she accepted my friend request. I was on an alt and... I guess I didn't want her to think it was me, who abandoned her. So I pretended to be someone completly different. And she's still so kind and... we managed to become friends again. Yes I did feel a lot more confortable talking to her but, she was still talking to a complete stranger. And yet, she was as kind and loveable as she always was.
But... everything has consequences. Now I have to leave her again... and she has to go through all of those feelings again. shit, I feel so bad about myself for doing this. But I still did it just to... be happy with her for a little longer. At least after all this she... might have something to confirm my death afterall. Of course I made her a letter apologizing properly and talking about it all and... After everything I'll be sending her the link to this post.
Well... if everything work out in a few more hours I won't be here anymore. I'll make a scheduled post that confirms it and... that should be the end of everything.
Scared... scared... scared of death. It's normal right? The uncertainty, the mystery, the unknown. It's totally normal being scared of that. We are always experiencing something, be it when we're awake, or dreaming... we still are experiencing. So how are we gonna experience the non-experience? It's really weird to thing about. But hey, I'm about to figure that one out!
What else is there to say...? I'm just sitting right now, looking at these words. What else is there to add? I mean, it's my final message to the world, I should be speaking endless words right now, right? But there's just isn't... much more... to say. Being it my third time... I think I may just be fed up with it. Love letters are... already written. And my main point is... already said.
That if you, even so slightly think you shouldn't be doing this, you shouldn't. Do not make decisions in the heat of the moment. Hug your loved ones, and be safe.
As for me... in conclusion... just hoping for me to finally be at peace. It's also a good thing that my final words on this world are... when I'm calmer. As compared to when I wrote that first vent. I didn't get like that since then. It's also... really rare for me to get like that. I really want to finish this post but... I still feel like there's so much more to be said... when in fact... there isn't? At least I think.
If I were to have a final word to say, before dying, (and without it being goodbye or similar), I think it would be "Love". Something I really like about loving. Just, having someone else with you, experiencing all those feelings, the joy, it really is great. It's a shame not everyone gets to experience it. Would you have a word to say?
Well now I'm just... dwelling on it. So let's just cut to the chase already, alright?
Thank you so much for reading, and again, for being an ear to me. I never usually vented in public before but, these 4 posts of mine were just... special in a way for me. So thank you so much if you've read them. Knowing that I'm being heard it... it really comforts me.
There should be a scheduled post to be released on saturday, if everything works out. So that should confirm if everything went okay. I'll get to writting that one right now, and it still is 5:30AM so, if anyone's gonna reply to this post in the next 1:30 hours, I'll still be here to hear you!
Once again, thanks, and, everyone be safe alright? Best wishes for you all, sayonara <3.
This will hopefully be my last vent I'll be doing here, and also a goodbye thread.
If you want to know more about me or... just want anything to read, here's the ones I've done before, in order
Part I - My first public vent, I mostly just get mad at the world and talk about everything that's been happening since my previous attempts.
Part II - Still mad about not having benzos, this one is more of a philosophical pondering about doing it without them.
Part III - Shorter one, where I just update on my situation, after gathering everything I need.
So... where do I even begin? I usually like to drink water or eat something light while writting anything... since it helps with words coming in easier... and to also calm me down. But like... can't really do that anymore right? Since I'm... fasting.
I feel like this links into me talking about which method I'm gonna use. My first two attempts were in late february, where I tried the inert gas method, using helium. Those were really prone to failure and, any cracks in the setup could really make a difference. I'm still not sure what caused me to fail twice back then but... that's past already. I then thought about moving on into hanging but... that one seemed way too physical and, scary for me. So I settled on doing it with SN this time. Will be using with it an anti-emetic, propanolol, benzos and ibuprofen.
With that out of the way, I wanted to talk about how it all just sucks. It sucks that I got to where I am, and that so many of us have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else... and I still think that helping someone recover is the right thing to do. Well, it's obviously the right thing to do. I think at some point in time, between february and today, I wanted myself to fully recover. I wanted for one of my friends, a prince, to just come in and say all the right things to help me keep moving, so that we could be together again.
But I still am so hard on myself. I'm still such a hard nut to crack. It's things like these that make people end this way. So I say this to you, who is reading this. If you even so slightly doubt that you should do it, if it is even a small thought, about wanting to stay, please, please hold on to that thought, and don't let it go. It's going to be the hardest grip test you've ever been put through, but if you make it, you get to keep breathing again.
I get that this may not be for everyone, including me who, already made up my mind. And that there is people on way worse situations than me, but, well, someone out there might've been really needing to hear that.
I still am thinking about everything that has happened and... somehow the bad thoughts aren't here this time. Is this peace?
During this whole time, I've been disturbed by some twisted thoughts, which these themselves brought all of this to happen, but now? It's rare when they show up. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism that my body is doing to keep me at peace or... whatever else is happening. But I do feel calm right now.
Of course, my heart is beating a bit fast, I'm still a little anxious... but... I still feel some kind of peace around me. Back in february, I think I was calmer and more resolved than here and now. I had just finished watching anime together with a really precious friend of mine, and the episode was really good. He told me his warm goodnights, and, I don't think it could've had better closure at that time. I putted on a shirt that someone gifted me, which I wore on some very special moments (they had one equal), had my last meal, which were some cookies I really liked, went for a really small walk outside, despite being 1:00AM. Grabbed some drawings that people gave me, grabbed my favorite plushie, put on some moody tunes and... after that...
All for nothing. But this time. SN just has a much bigger success rate than inert gases (at least for me who couldn't set them up properly), but I'm just... here now. On my pajamas, waiting. It's 4:52AM and the procedure begins at 7:00AM, an hour after my roomie leaves.
What to say on my final moments? What to say... what to say. For me I don't think I have anythiung to say. But for others...
Some of my online friends have been thinking (or at least assuming) I'm dead since february, because I didn't have the courage to log in on my older accounts, and see everything. And that mantains until today. I still think it would probably be the right thing to tell them that I'm still here but... can you even imagine? Dealing with grief only for that person to come back and... go away again. I can't do this to them.
But I gave in. I talked about her on Part I of my vents, and, after it all, she accepted my friend request. I was on an alt and... I guess I didn't want her to think it was me, who abandoned her. So I pretended to be someone completly different. And she's still so kind and... we managed to become friends again. Yes I did feel a lot more confortable talking to her but, she was still talking to a complete stranger. And yet, she was as kind and loveable as she always was.
But... everything has consequences. Now I have to leave her again... and she has to go through all of those feelings again. shit, I feel so bad about myself for doing this. But I still did it just to... be happy with her for a little longer. At least after all this she... might have something to confirm my death afterall. Of course I made her a letter apologizing properly and talking about it all and... After everything I'll be sending her the link to this post.
Well... if everything work out in a few more hours I won't be here anymore. I'll make a scheduled post that confirms it and... that should be the end of everything.
Scared... scared... scared of death. It's normal right? The uncertainty, the mystery, the unknown. It's totally normal being scared of that. We are always experiencing something, be it when we're awake, or dreaming... we still are experiencing. So how are we gonna experience the non-experience? It's really weird to thing about. But hey, I'm about to figure that one out!
What else is there to say...? I'm just sitting right now, looking at these words. What else is there to add? I mean, it's my final message to the world, I should be speaking endless words right now, right? But there's just isn't... much more... to say. Being it my third time... I think I may just be fed up with it. Love letters are... already written. And my main point is... already said.
That if you, even so slightly think you shouldn't be doing this, you shouldn't. Do not make decisions in the heat of the moment. Hug your loved ones, and be safe.
As for me... in conclusion... just hoping for me to finally be at peace. It's also a good thing that my final words on this world are... when I'm calmer. As compared to when I wrote that first vent. I didn't get like that since then. It's also... really rare for me to get like that. I really want to finish this post but... I still feel like there's so much more to be said... when in fact... there isn't? At least I think.
If I were to have a final word to say, before dying, (and without it being goodbye or similar), I think it would be "Love". Something I really like about loving. Just, having someone else with you, experiencing all those feelings, the joy, it really is great. It's a shame not everyone gets to experience it. Would you have a word to say?
Well now I'm just... dwelling on it. So let's just cut to the chase already, alright?
Thank you so much for reading, and again, for being an ear to me. I never usually vented in public before but, these 4 posts of mine were just... special in a way for me. So thank you so much if you've read them. Knowing that I'm being heard it... it really comforts me.
There should be a scheduled post to be released on saturday, if everything works out. So that should confirm if everything went okay. I'll get to writting that one right now, and it still is 5:30AM so, if anyone's gonna reply to this post in the next 1:30 hours, I'll still be here to hear you!
Once again, thanks, and, everyone be safe alright? Best wishes for you all, sayonara <3.
