I’m so alone in everything

[burninghill]

Cornball title aside, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Part of it is my fault, part of it isn't. I just can't connect with anyone, there's so many people around me and I'm noones favourite. I just want to mean the world to somebody, I want to be somebodies BEST friend.

I want to play games with my friends, but if their other friends ask afterwards then I don't stand a chance. I want to hang out with them but they're too busy hanging out without me, with other people.

I lost all my friends when I attempted suicide in November and things haven't been the same since, I already had problems opening up and now they're so much worse. Those were the people who I thought had my back through anything.

I'm just a mess, I just want friends, I just want people around me to love me so I can finally learn to stop hating myself so much. I just want to know that people really hear me and that all my effort isn't for nothing, because right now it really feels that way.

My parents have put so much effort into making me into a good person, I've put so much effort into studying and being a painter just to be a suicidal pile of bullshit that nobody really cares about. People will say they do, but they don't when it really matters. When your neck is on the railway they'll ask you why you didn't text them back.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry to hear, and I hear you, it seems a lot of people are going through things like this now.

My first question is about therapy & meds. If you haven't tried, I'd try them. If you have, I'd try again. Next I'll ask about these friends. How did you meet, and what is it that makes you friends? What do you have in common? Do you have shared values, beliefs or interests? Maybe they aren't really "your people". Maybe you just haven't found your people yet.

Another question: have you ever taken the Meyer's Briggs test? You could go take it "for real" but I'm sure there are online versions you could take. I have a lot in common with other people who share my MBTI type, and if I didn't have other reasons why I need to CTB, I'd be looking to meet new people based on that & of the interests people with my type share. There are online groups based by type, if you learned yours you could join them & they might feel much more like your tribe than other people do. Or you could try to meet more people based on interests. How many of these friends of yours are also painters or creative in other ways? It's just a guess but maybe your friends just don't get you.

Painting sounds like it could be a great outlet for how you're feeling. Maybe you could connect with other artists who use their art to express their suicidal or otherwise dark/intense feelings.
I wish you all the luck in the world in getting to a better place & finding your people, because I think they're out there.

 

[burninghill]

Next I'll ask about these friends. How did you meet, and what is it that makes you friends? What do you have in common? Do you have shared values, beliefs or interests? Maybe they aren't really "your people". Maybe you just haven't found your people yet.

I have tried therapy but not meds, I'm not open to trying/ retrying either honestly. I can't be bothered, I don't want to live, I just want to have a bearable life while I'm still here.

The friends I had, which I lost after my attempt, were friends of mine for 8 years. We met in secondary school and sort of just became friends because we were all outcasted. The new people I've met I have a lot more in common with, we're all artists with similar political beliefs. They're all people I look up to. I do think that 'my people' are these friends, I just don't think that I'm capable of maintaining a friendship.

I genuinely do think the problem is me in terms of relationships, not to sound pitiful. They're all caring and haven't really done anything wrong, I just don't care for them. I'm not sure if I'll ever find my people because of this, I'm just wired incorrectly and I don't have the energy to fix it.

I primarily painted to outlet my feelings, but I had to stop for this reason. Like my self-harm, it just started to become a cry for help and attention rather than something with purpose or value. I went from writing characters and novels to just painting myself dead, it helped but to see a switch like that made me more depressed than anything and nobody cared about my 'venting' regardless, so there was no point.

 

[caotic_realm]

I don't mean this as a reproach, but in a way, I am lonelier, since I have no friends; in fact, I recently had to seek out "one"—though I don't know if I could consider him a friend, because I'm no longer sure whether *I* have to be the friend or if the *other person* has to be the friend.

On the other hand, I realize that loneliness isn't about whether or not you have people around you telling you they love you; it's about truly feeling that it's real—that it actually reaches you and makes you happy. I don't know if this applies to you, but in my case, sometimes that feeling of love just doesn't get through to me anymore. My father might tell me he loves me—he might even be willing to die to prove it—but I find myself wondering: *Does it have to be that way?* Even though I understand that he loves me, I can't seem to receive the feeling—as if the "love receiver" inside me had broken down.

I believe loneliness is inherent to the human condition, for our individuality acts as a barrier preventing us from truly becoming "one" with another. Consequently, sexuality today is a merely selfish and hedonistic act—as it has always been—rather than an attempt to emulate a state of being that seeks to diminish individuality and, by extension, that loneliness inherent to existence.

These days, I am not worried about loneliness, but rather the realization that I can no longer bear either solitude or company; my life hurts, and existence weighs too heavily on me.