heavygloom
New Member
- Nov 9, 2021
- 2
Long post...sorry.
I'm 26. my parents have always been controlling. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I made some poor interpersonal decisions that caused my parents lots of grief. I've never done anything like drugs or drinking but I guess I was just kind of all over the place. I'm 26 now and have been really stable and successful for the past 3-4 years. I do still live at home but am slowly gaining independence, hoping to start driving soon. In other words, I'm more independent mentally than executively. I just graduated with my bachelor's degree after doing a huge thesis.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We met by accident online and have video chatted every day for hours since then. He lives at home in New Zealand with his family and is my age. His family used to host international students and I've met them all. I know everything about him (really). Very genuine. He invited me to visit his home in New Zealand this fall--amazing opportunity, and I love to travel. I'd be able to pay for the whole thing with my own money that I've earned through work/awards/etc (currently job searching). I knew from the start my parents would flip. I scheduled a family therapy session with my therapist for this weekend to talk about it, but when I told my parents the meeting was scheduled, my mom became suspicious and coerced me into telling her what it was going to be about (my mom has known about my boyfriend).
I told her, and she flipped. Raised her voice for almost an hour, told me I was losing my mind, that I wasn't thinking clearly, asked me if I knew what simple words meant. She says I do not know these people, which I figured she'd say and didn't think much of it--then she went on: "They could molest you. Kill you. Torture you at knifepoint." Sounds funny, but it was terrifying; she can be terrifying. Nothing I say can get through to her. She is notoriously difficult, erratic, angry, verbally aggressive unless I am doing everything she asks. I fear that if I go, which is what I want for myself (and only for 30-90 days, which she FLIPPED out about when I said that) I'd have to work for another 4 years to rebuild my relationship with my parents until I'm 35. She basically let me know that we can have the family therapy meeting this weekend, but that it'll do nothing, and she'll give my therapist "the full story" (i.e., telling her about my executive dysfunction and insanity, as if my own therapist doesn't already know about my executive dysfunction, lmfao).
I have no idea how my stepdad will react--he's more reserved, but can just become cold and uncaring. But my mom--my mom has seen her own therapist for years and nothing has changed. She's barely spoken to me today. I graduated with a perfect GPA and an independent 230-page academic thesis and none of what went into that matters to her remotely. If my boyfriend and I break up because of this I'll resent her for the rest of my life, because she's caused problems in my other relationships too. I hate this. I feel like I'm stuck in hell with no way out.
Basically I thought this kind of thing would be over by now, after all these years (and they've been so nice during these recent years because I've been complacent). If this is going to last into my 30s, I see no point in continuing my life. I attempted suicide some years back, in and out of mental hospitals, but there's absolutely no way I can do this. I love my parents...when they act the way they do when I'm being "good". I can't cut them off. I don't see many other options. I'm in America, so a firearm is likely. Not right this second, but eventually.
I'm 26. my parents have always been controlling. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I made some poor interpersonal decisions that caused my parents lots of grief. I've never done anything like drugs or drinking but I guess I was just kind of all over the place. I'm 26 now and have been really stable and successful for the past 3-4 years. I do still live at home but am slowly gaining independence, hoping to start driving soon. In other words, I'm more independent mentally than executively. I just graduated with my bachelor's degree after doing a huge thesis.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We met by accident online and have video chatted every day for hours since then. He lives at home in New Zealand with his family and is my age. His family used to host international students and I've met them all. I know everything about him (really). Very genuine. He invited me to visit his home in New Zealand this fall--amazing opportunity, and I love to travel. I'd be able to pay for the whole thing with my own money that I've earned through work/awards/etc (currently job searching). I knew from the start my parents would flip. I scheduled a family therapy session with my therapist for this weekend to talk about it, but when I told my parents the meeting was scheduled, my mom became suspicious and coerced me into telling her what it was going to be about (my mom has known about my boyfriend).
I told her, and she flipped. Raised her voice for almost an hour, told me I was losing my mind, that I wasn't thinking clearly, asked me if I knew what simple words meant. She says I do not know these people, which I figured she'd say and didn't think much of it--then she went on: "They could molest you. Kill you. Torture you at knifepoint." Sounds funny, but it was terrifying; she can be terrifying. Nothing I say can get through to her. She is notoriously difficult, erratic, angry, verbally aggressive unless I am doing everything she asks. I fear that if I go, which is what I want for myself (and only for 30-90 days, which she FLIPPED out about when I said that) I'd have to work for another 4 years to rebuild my relationship with my parents until I'm 35. She basically let me know that we can have the family therapy meeting this weekend, but that it'll do nothing, and she'll give my therapist "the full story" (i.e., telling her about my executive dysfunction and insanity, as if my own therapist doesn't already know about my executive dysfunction, lmfao).
I have no idea how my stepdad will react--he's more reserved, but can just become cold and uncaring. But my mom--my mom has seen her own therapist for years and nothing has changed. She's barely spoken to me today. I graduated with a perfect GPA and an independent 230-page academic thesis and none of what went into that matters to her remotely. If my boyfriend and I break up because of this I'll resent her for the rest of my life, because she's caused problems in my other relationships too. I hate this. I feel like I'm stuck in hell with no way out.
Basically I thought this kind of thing would be over by now, after all these years (and they've been so nice during these recent years because I've been complacent). If this is going to last into my 30s, I see no point in continuing my life. I attempted suicide some years back, in and out of mental hospitals, but there's absolutely no way I can do this. I love my parents...when they act the way they do when I'm being "good". I can't cut them off. I don't see many other options. I'm in America, so a firearm is likely. Not right this second, but eventually.
