When I was around 14, I'd been bullied in school for a few years and during that time I got depressed as fuck. I was thinking about death every day, hated myself because I thought everything my bullies were saying is true. Before bullying I was very anxious, and when it all started I got so anxious to the point when I was afraid of opening my mouth to say a word, I tried be as quiet as possible so they won't touch me. Also want to mention that my best friend at that time got friends with my bully and when he was seeing how my bully was humiliating me he was just laughing with him. But when the bully wasn't around he was acting like everything is okay and nothing happened. I was scared to tell my parents because I didn't feel safe and respected enough in this family so I just bottled everything up and kept on living in this hell, during that time I became emotionally numb and lost ability to feel something other than sadness.
Eventually we became friends with the bully and had a great time together in high school so I stopped feeling depressed during that time. High school was probably the most fun and memorable period of my life.
Then when I graduated high school and went to college. It was lonely as hell because school was the only thing holding us together.
When I started in college, I discovered self improvement and got obsessed with it, I started working out more, gratitude journal and all that shit. In 2025 I started to care less about working out and slowly started to lose motivation, but because I was obsessed with David Goggins (and I still admire him) I tried to not give a shit and just "grind". In september 2025 I got my first ever job, it is blue collar and I love it because I get to talk people other than my family. It's hard working 12 hour shifts but still I didn't give up and was making plans for future, had plans to keep on learning programming to eventually become a programmer, had all these big plans to become better and improve my life. I wasn't happy during that time but I didn't want to give up.
Now I want to talk about my family. I hate my dad and his family and love my mom a little bit. I hate my dad because of the way he treats my mom and all of us, he never wants to talk and spend time with us, he'd rather sit alone and watch youtube or whatever he is doing there. And I hate dad's parents because they raised this monster, and because his mom tries to ruin our family by blaming my mom for everything and treating her like shit when no one is watching. So I never considered my parents as parents but rather some people I have to live with. I don't feel any love and any other feeling to them. They always made me do chores like go shopping, go help your grandma, go do this and that, and they didn't care whether I wanted it or not, it's probably one of the reasons I couldn't spend time with friends because I always had some work to do at home. Also I have a little brother so I had to babysit him most of the day because dad didn't give a shit and mom was too busy working at home. Mom's always complaining about my dad, how she regrets she married him and how he ruined her life, and she has nowhere to go so she has to stay here, always stressing because nobody doesn't help her at home, even myself. I see my poor mom dealing with all of this and I just don't feel empathy for her, I'm basically like my dad, and even though I understand this is bad it feels like I can't change myself so I also treat her poorly. I don't know why I can't change this behavior, I understand this is bad but I can't change for some reason.
So when 2026 started I started to care less for myself, I stopped brusing teeth, I slowly started losing interest in everything and was thinking more about my past and having suicidal thougs a couple times a week. I didn't notice anything wrong so I kept living. And slowly everything was getting worse and worse until I started having suicidal thoughts everyday and couldn't stop thinking about how bad my life is. I stopped caring for myself at all, I stopped brushing teeth, even when I was playing videogames I couldn't stop thinking about suicide and all my problems. I lost all my energy to do anything, I don't care about myself, I hate interacting with my family, I don't even enjoy music anymore because I when I listen to it I still can't stop thinking about my problems. The only time I can stop these thoughts to go in my head is when I'm interacting with my coworkers, we laugh together and I smile but I know that after all I'll be alone with my thoughts. I'd prefer to bedrot all day but I sit at my computer pretending everything's fine because I don't want my parents to notice something is wrong with me.
I'm just tired of living, and I don't think it'll get better, relationships between my parents will be getting worse and my mom will be getting more unhappy which makes sad. I have no friends, no skills, no social life. I considered moving out because I thought it'd help me to spend time in isolation and I'd be focused more on my life than family's problems. But now I understand that even if I move out, I won't stop thinking how my mom will be more sad because I help her a lot by taking my brother to school, helping my grandma who can't leave her house and lots of other stuff, I help her to not go insane completely by doing some of the work at home. So these thoughts how she'll have do everything all by herself and how hard it'll be for her that she won't be able to handle everything alone and these thoughts would eat me alive.
Now I keep living, I think about suicide all day, I tried partial hanging but got scared when felt pressure on my neck and I was in neutral mood during the attempt. I think about my problems every second of the day, every time I go to bed I want to die while I'll be sleeping. I'll try hanging tomorrow because I'll be home alone, but I'm not sure if I'll want to die tomorrow, it'll be more of a practice.
Eventually we became friends with the bully and had a great time together in high school so I stopped feeling depressed during that time. High school was probably the most fun and memorable period of my life.
Then when I graduated high school and went to college. It was lonely as hell because school was the only thing holding us together.
When I started in college, I discovered self improvement and got obsessed with it, I started working out more, gratitude journal and all that shit. In 2025 I started to care less about working out and slowly started to lose motivation, but because I was obsessed with David Goggins (and I still admire him) I tried to not give a shit and just "grind". In september 2025 I got my first ever job, it is blue collar and I love it because I get to talk people other than my family. It's hard working 12 hour shifts but still I didn't give up and was making plans for future, had plans to keep on learning programming to eventually become a programmer, had all these big plans to become better and improve my life. I wasn't happy during that time but I didn't want to give up.
Now I want to talk about my family. I hate my dad and his family and love my mom a little bit. I hate my dad because of the way he treats my mom and all of us, he never wants to talk and spend time with us, he'd rather sit alone and watch youtube or whatever he is doing there. And I hate dad's parents because they raised this monster, and because his mom tries to ruin our family by blaming my mom for everything and treating her like shit when no one is watching. So I never considered my parents as parents but rather some people I have to live with. I don't feel any love and any other feeling to them. They always made me do chores like go shopping, go help your grandma, go do this and that, and they didn't care whether I wanted it or not, it's probably one of the reasons I couldn't spend time with friends because I always had some work to do at home. Also I have a little brother so I had to babysit him most of the day because dad didn't give a shit and mom was too busy working at home. Mom's always complaining about my dad, how she regrets she married him and how he ruined her life, and she has nowhere to go so she has to stay here, always stressing because nobody doesn't help her at home, even myself. I see my poor mom dealing with all of this and I just don't feel empathy for her, I'm basically like my dad, and even though I understand this is bad it feels like I can't change myself so I also treat her poorly. I don't know why I can't change this behavior, I understand this is bad but I can't change for some reason.
So when 2026 started I started to care less for myself, I stopped brusing teeth, I slowly started losing interest in everything and was thinking more about my past and having suicidal thougs a couple times a week. I didn't notice anything wrong so I kept living. And slowly everything was getting worse and worse until I started having suicidal thoughts everyday and couldn't stop thinking about how bad my life is. I stopped caring for myself at all, I stopped brushing teeth, even when I was playing videogames I couldn't stop thinking about suicide and all my problems. I lost all my energy to do anything, I don't care about myself, I hate interacting with my family, I don't even enjoy music anymore because I when I listen to it I still can't stop thinking about my problems. The only time I can stop these thoughts to go in my head is when I'm interacting with my coworkers, we laugh together and I smile but I know that after all I'll be alone with my thoughts. I'd prefer to bedrot all day but I sit at my computer pretending everything's fine because I don't want my parents to notice something is wrong with me.
I'm just tired of living, and I don't think it'll get better, relationships between my parents will be getting worse and my mom will be getting more unhappy which makes sad. I have no friends, no skills, no social life. I considered moving out because I thought it'd help me to spend time in isolation and I'd be focused more on my life than family's problems. But now I understand that even if I move out, I won't stop thinking how my mom will be more sad because I help her a lot by taking my brother to school, helping my grandma who can't leave her house and lots of other stuff, I help her to not go insane completely by doing some of the work at home. So these thoughts how she'll have do everything all by herself and how hard it'll be for her that she won't be able to handle everything alone and these thoughts would eat me alive.
Now I keep living, I think about suicide all day, I tried partial hanging but got scared when felt pressure on my neck and I was in neutral mood during the attempt. I think about my problems every second of the day, every time I go to bed I want to die while I'll be sleeping. I'll try hanging tomorrow because I'll be home alone, but I'm not sure if I'll want to die tomorrow, it'll be more of a practice.
