I’m a disgusting person. Crashing out

[burninghill]

There is no other way to describe myself. I've never hated anyone more than how much I hate myself right now.

You can't work up the energy to shower, you can't work up the energy to walk 10 doors down to the store, you can't work up the energy to make lunch, why are you even fucking alive? What's even the point? If a dog couldn't make it to its bowl they'd kill it.

I wish God didn't make me such a fucking coward. Why put me on this earth to die and not give me the will to do it? I feel like I'm being mocked every single day. I think about killing myself every second of every day, I think about doing it in public, in private, by myself or around my friends and yet I just can't do it. The body is a cruel machine and God is an evil thing.

I know he laughs at me every single fucking time I plan a date and don't go through with it, I know he laughs when I cry at night because all I want is to not be a coward for once in my life. He's just gonna keep beating me fucking down until I can't anymore. He won't let me die when I'm actually fucking the least bit stable, when I at least have some sense of self left. He's going to beat me and beat me and beat me until I'm desperate to die, until I'm on my knees begging for it because there's no other choice. Please let me have control.

I wish I could talk to him. Ask him what the fuck he wants me to do? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he make me feel this way and leave me all on my own?

I wrote a suicide note today and I feel like a dumb little girl. I feel like that stupid 14 year old girl who'd walk past that tree every day and think about hanging herself on it, knowing she couldn't because she didn't feel like she had the agency yet.

I can't do this anymore, just let me fucking go

 

[The Disqualified]

I hear you.

I just want to make it clear that I don't laugh at you or your posts, and I don't think people who comment here do either. This community is pretty good in my opinion overall. You can share what you want here and people will listen.
But I also feel stupid at times. So I get what you mean.

Sending virtual hugs. I hope you feel better now at least.

 

[burninghill]

I hear you.

I just want to make it clear that I don't laugh at you or your posts, and I don't think people who comment here do either. This community is pretty good in my opinion overall. You can share what you want here and people will listen.
But I also feel stupid at times. So I get what you mean.

Sending virtual hugs. I hope you feel better now at least.

I'm more stable now, kind of embarassed when I make posts like this but it's important to me that I keep them all up. This account is a diary of my experiences. I just saw something that really triggered me last night and I cried for the first time in a while.

Thank you. I hope you're okay too.

 

[annointed_towers]

I'm more stable now, kind of embarassed when I make posts like this but it's important to me that I keep them all up. This account is a diary of my experiences. I just saw something that really triggered me last night and I cried for the first time in a while.

Thank you. I hope you're okay too.

Thanks for keeping this post up.

I relate to it so much.

I'm disabled and don't have caretaker, just my mom. She's obviously important but she can't be my nurse or caregiver. She's old.

I can't even walk really, except hobble around the house. My body reverts to pain posture upon getting up, and it's so hard to get up, to lift my body.

I have only a few moments to throw food together. I sit down while microwaving for a few minutes.

Two nights ago, after she had gone to sleep, I finally got the strength to microwave some canned pasta.

I had been so excited. She asked if I wanted anything from the store, and I missed pasta, warm, comforting. I can't stand over the stove anymore and boil noodles, make a meal.

So when I had strength to make it to the kitchen, I was excited to see it on the counter.

I did a little happy shimmy and felt happy and excited for the only time that day, maybe in a while.

When I pulled it out of the microwave, I dropped the bowl. My grip is bad. My strength to lift even a bowl.

It fell, the bowl broke in half, and the ravioli went everywhere, the sauce made a big mess.

I had to pick up the ravioli by hand and wipe down the sauce and clean the tile as my body was crumpling in pain, trying to stay upright.

I felt so humiliated.

It's a small thing but after years of this, I'm just tired. I'm tired of having no help, having to get up and make everything.

If you're dying in hospice you have a nurse, someone to feed you, help you drink.

I spill tea all over myself, get it all over my bed and shirt. Struggle to make even easy convenience food. Get excited over food that is equivalent to donated charity food.

I eat it, and most meals, totally alone.

I wish I could stop believing in God. But it's something that will provably always be with me. I just don't think God is good like everyone else. Could be any God or god or creator or consciousness, but I just doubt very seriously there's not something out there, up there, watching. Laughing. Who knew this would be the story all along.

Who knows how it ends, and is waiting for me to run out of strength.

I already have, really. I just don't have a method, and that's why I'm still here.

 

[auld_fool]

As Gooseworx says, there is value to be found in a stagnant life.
I know it hurts, isolation is the droning tone of my life. But you still have a brilliant value that will be a huge loss to the world when you're gone.
That... makes me a hypocrite, sure. I just want you to know that if you keep going, it will be a bumpy roller-coaster of ups and downs.
Are the rises worth the falls? In my experience I don't think so, but life is never as it seems... This question is impossible to answer because life is a lottery that we constantly play just by staying alive.

You're not alone in feeling alone, and you've got people here wishing you the best.