I'll an hero (in ten years)

[nibba]

Just wondering if anyone can relate to wanting to ctb but due to responsibility simply can't.
I don't know whether to post this in recovery or here but I need to talk to people that feel this way. Since I was 11 I've had suicidal thoughts for various reasons but over the years and into my late 20s the problem is growing worse. However I feel that I still have a bit of living to do. All I want to do before I ctb at 40 is get ripped, read, get laid a bit, shitpost, play guitar (and not suck at it) and do art or some shit. I want to be mega comfy and let go of living a complicated life. I wanted an "exciting" life but I don't think that'll happen and that was fueled by bipolar disorder (unrealistic "exciting" if that makes sense.) I'm treating this as a mental hospice for myself. The only reason why I don't an hero now is my father who I love dearly but he's old now. My mother passed away a few years ago and ctbing would destroy him. I simply can't do that to my old man which is why I need to "live" for a bit. Might get a cat too. I'm just in so much mental pain and failure after failure in life makes me want to blow my brains out. But I have to fight another day for the sake of my father. I nearly did a few months ago at work with a nail gun but that'd be incredibly cruel to my coworkers. I don't want my career as a sparky apprentice, too much pressure. I want to work in a quiet place like a library. I'm hungover so I can't go into more detail right now. Oh yeah and I want to quit drinking.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

well, from my own experience, you gotta spare "at least" one year of your life to study the guitar techniques in order to be able to play decently, you know... and this is just the beginning. It takes time, but it totally worth the trouble.

 

[nibba]

well, from my own experience, you gotta spare "at least" one year of your life to study the guitar techniques in order to be able to play decently, you know... and this is just the beginning. It takes time, but it totally worth the trouble.

I have fun playing it. I feel sorry for people here that can't extract any joy from anything. I just hope I don't lose it too...

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

Yeah, its rewarding being able to play along my heroes's backing tracks, indeed I have fun while doing this too. And yes, I hope I don't lose the connection I have with one of the fewer things that still brings me some joy...
When you said that you have to fight another day for the sake of your father, that really touched me, since I would never do such thing to my drunk and irresponsible father. You are the best.
Take care

 

[nibba]

Yeah, its rewarding being able to play along my heroes's backing tracks, indeed I have fun while doing this too. And yes, I hope I don't lose the connection I have with one of the fewer things that still brings me some joy...
When you said that you have to fight another day for the sake of your father, that really touched me, since I would never do such thing to my drunk and irresponsible father. You are the best.
Take care

Thank you. One blessing I've had is that I'm close with both parents and I've been able to explain and vent to both despite their lack of understanding and knowledge about how to help. I'm still tired as fuck and I'd love to explain more about where shit went wrong in a little bit. What type of music do you like to play?

 

[CogitoMori]

I've delayed my own date temporarily due to personal responsibilities. I still plan to, but I just have to put it off for now.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

Mainly rock

Thank you. One blessing I've had is that I'm close with both parents and I've been able to explain and vent to both despite their lack of understanding and knowledge about how to help. I'm still tired as fuck and I'd love to explain more about where shit went wrong in a little bit. What type of music do you like to play?

Just random stuff, mainly pop songs, but I try to play it the best way I can.
Feel free to share whener you want to
Cheers

 

[nibba]

Time to share. I was going to write a wall of text but I can't be fucked, this is only a summary so excuse me if it's a bit sparse. As I've previously stated I have bipolar 1, but with OCD and autism thrown into the mix. I have horrible intrusive thoughts combined with mood swings (more like energy swings which affect mood if that makes sense) that give me a feeling of "dirty" energy almost like doing amphetamine. I was heavily bullied as a kid, one tried to kill me. Drug problems starting from eighth grade (speed, codeine) and completely fucked up school but got into a alternative program at uni but dropped out. Mental state rapidly declined, manic states believing all kinds of whacky shit. Mum died, horrible breakup with ex and breakdown of most of my friendships right before covid completely psychologically broke me and I have become hyper aggressive and super paranoid ever since (to myself mainly I try my very best to not get angry at others in front of them, so that's not the problem.) The breakup wasn't the problem, it was that this woman relished in mocking me for grieving over my mother. That completely destroyed me and I have difficulty in moving on despite it being six years ago. Developed a bigger opioid problem but quit. I did have a moment of respite two years ago and got fit, but last year I fucked it up like I do with everything. My concentration is nil. My dad is in his mid 70s and dementia is probably on the way. My world is changing too quickly and I can't keep up. There's more, lots more, but I'm not comfortable explaining it. It wasn't all bad growing up but unfortunately I fucked it up for the most part and I feel like I'll never recover combined with being so fucked in the head. Christ if only you knew what was going on up there and I can't escape it. It makes me want to ctb right now but fuck it lmao I want to get laid again. If I give myself ten years, everything feels less painful. That my suffering will be over soon, I just have to trek it out. Still feel incredibly suicidal but the thought of hurting my dad like that is too painful to even think about. I just want to see Mum again and for this to all be over. But if I'm going out I might as well comfymaxx and have as much fun as I can.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

Hi, thanks for sharing all that. It sounds like you've been carrying a massive load, and I can't imagine how heavy all of that must feel. Life's thrown a lot your way, but it also sounds like you're still fighting in your own way, even when it feels impossible.
You've been through hell and back, and yet you're still here, cracking jokes and trying to make the best of things. That's something, even if it doesn't feel like much. Giving yourself ten years, finding those little pockets of fun, and holding on for your dad—those are huge acts of strength, even if they don't feel like it. You're allowed to feel all of this, and you're allowed to want better too.
I would just point out, if you allow me, to be careful about the "have as much fun as I can" part though.

 

[nibba]

I would just point out, if you allow me, to be careful about the "have as much fun as I can" part though

Yes of course, I'm not saying become a total drug addict or do anything dangerous I mean within reason. I want to be in good health and help others. Thank you for your concern.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

and yeah, after reading what I replied I came to the conclusion that it seems more like I was responding you like a 'help line' than a fellow SS friend...
So, take your time, do whatever you want that makes you feel good, even if its for a little while... you are the best, man, really don't deserve the shit that life brought to you, asking you - not gently - to deal with it.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

and yeah, after reading what I replied I came to the conclusion that it seems more like I was responding you like a 'help line' than a fellow SS friend...
So, take your time, do whatever you want that makes you feel good, even if its for a little while... you are the best, man. And you really don't deserve the shit that life brought to you, asking you - not gently - to deal with it.