"If you love your abuser, its trauma bond"

[Water-Lily]

This is something that's been said to me so many times

It makes my feelings towards my mom feel invalid

For loving her, for holding places for the "good" memories alongside the bad ones

When I'm told my feelings are trauma bond, it makes me feel as if the things I'm feeling are "wrong" or invalid

 

[RedHates]

Its ok to keep the good memories sacred and I think its ok to love your mother even if she hurt you.

 

[Pluto]

A lot of people miss the nuance of the situation. Love between a child and parent is about as deep as it gets, yet Dark Triad personality traits are as dark as they get. The result is an emotionally charged mess of the highest order.

Our parents' mental illness was caused by circumstances they were born into. If we could meet them without their mental disabilities, it would be a very different world. Unfortunately, in our actual experience, the memories conflate love and abuse and can also have trauma bond elements. More serious is the risk of attracting new people whose love is also tainted.

Note: I'm guilty of making comments like 'narcissists never really love anyone'. I do so for a reason. In that context, the intention is to discourage people from endlessly giving Npeople more chances. Victims in the thick of it need to be pushed to escape the situation before they are completely ruined. Once safe from their clutches, we can safely acknowledge the complexity of the bond.